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Getting lost, being found: the joy of being seen
Lately, I can’t seem to get off the topic of visibility. A few weeks ago, I wrote about the problem of invisible work—that is, the work that we do that is not readily apparent to other people, and the pleasure of having that work acknowledged. I’ve also talked about people whose appetites for being seen sometimes get the best of them, to the point of damaging their relationships with others. Today I’m trying something different. If you’ve been following this blog for the past year, you’ll find it’s a departure from what I usually do. I would especially love to hear your feedback in the comments this week, if you have a minute. So bear with me. To talk about...
Read MoreAre you a guilt-grabber?
Some people live buried under heaps of guilty feelings. Are you one of them? Guilt is a bit like pepper—small amounts can sharpen the flavors of your life experiences. But, a stomach full of nothing but pepper won’t give you anything but an ulcer. Out of control guilt damages our self-esteem while removing any of the feeling’s useful functions. So, while we may not like it at all, occasional feelings of guilt are a healthy and appropriate part of our emotional palette. In fact, healthy guilt has an important job, showing when we’ve done something wrong or acted badly. It helps us to keep our conduct in line with our self-perception—helps us know that we are a...
Read More“Everything’s fine, really!”– denial and its uses
It’s not just a river in Egypt—and it’s not always a bad thing! Here are a few tips for understanding one of our most common coping strategies and some signs about when it’s helpful and when it is harmful. What’s denial? Denial is a way of holding a problem outside of conscious awareness. It’s a bit different from minimization, which downplays the impact of feelings and events, but it has a similar headline: “I’ve got it under control. Everything’s fine.” It’s a way of keeping our head on straight in dire times. Sadly, I think denial gets a bad rap a lot of the time. People equate denial with being deluded, lazy, or cowardly. They...
Read MoreInvisible work
How many times have you fought with a partner over childcare or household work? Or been told once you’ve had a meltdown that you just needed to ask for help? The forever unfolding to-do list that most women carry in their heads is a major cause of women’s depression, anxiety, and eventual burn out. It is driven by cultural bias. It is called invisible work. What is invisible work? Invisible work includes tasks or obligations that others take for granted or fail to understand. Here are some common examples: –childcare (a mother is “looking after” her children; a father is “babysitting”– mother is considered the default...
Read MoreWake up! It’s (spring)time
Something wakes you. It’s a little nagging sort of thing, nearly imperceptible, but annoying enough to get your attention: a cat scratching at the door, disarranged covers that let in the cold. Maybe it’s just a worrisome thought. But, now you can’t return to sleep. It has taken hold, and you have to do something about it. There’s a sigh, the covers are tossed back, and your feet touch the ground by your bed, a hand sheltering your eyes from the morning light. You are up. I’m sure you’ve had a Saturday morning like this—shaken out of a peaceful slumber by something unexpected. It’s a nuisance, surely, but nothing much bigger than that. So, what...
Read MorePerfectionism characteristics, causes & cures
Perfectionism. As a culture, we seem to have a love/hate relationship with this concept. After all, we offer accolades to perfectionists for their achievements. I’m sure you’ve heard it, or perhaps even said it yourself: “I feel brittle and exhausted, but you should just see the number of articles I published/cakes I baked/hours I billed last week/month/year. It was brutal, but I did it! And, now I have to keep going, because everyone expects this standard of me!!” (But I’m so tired…) There’s sense of beleaguered pride, living under the sharp and unrelenting tyranny of perfectionism. It’s like you’ve won a prickly sort of prize—a fleeting...
Read MoreThree ruinous ways to grieve
There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t been scalded by grief at one time or another. Here are three ways to turn a natural, healthy process into a grueling, painful chore. 1.) Judge yourself, judge your feelings. Nothing helps a wounded heart like a helping of judgment and condemnation. If you can’t muster contempt for your feelings, consider surrounding yourself with people who minimize your experience in ways both large and small. Better tactic: Things are hard enough as it is. To whatever extent you are able, remain open to your feelings as they emerge. Don’t abandon yourself to judgments about whether or not you are entitled to feeling a...
Read MoreHow to handle the hungry ones
Drama queens, narcissists, naysayers, and critics. Sometimes life has occasion to bring people into it that stand in our way, making things onerous and trying. Here’s how you can cope effectively with one such kind of person. The hungry ones This sort of person is always hungry—for your time, your attention, and your admiration. A hungry one is often talking or acting in a way that commands attention. They’re not simply a big personality, though. They seem to suffer when others have the floor, checking out or losing interest, waiting impatiently for their turn. They’re not particularly good listeners. Hungry ones rarely tire of talking. They use people like...
Read MoreWorn thin? The perils of living in a make do/can do culture
We live in a bootstrap society. We are constantly consuming messages about how we improve ourselves, do more with less. You may be familiar with the adage “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” It’s a saying that dovetails nicely with our make do/can do culture. There’s a firm practicality in that principle, a sort of ironclad forging ahead. I can see the merit in it. Sometimes you need to rally in spite of having flagging spirits. Sometimes you just have to push ahead, no matter what. Work hard, and you’ll be rewarded. Self-sufficiency is key. This saying has a shadow side, though. It suggests that it is better not to ask for help, that...
Read MoreDon’t be the runner up
I know that taking good care of yourself is going to make the list for lots of bloggers this week, what with Valentine’s Day and all. I’m glad to be in such good company. It’s a good message. And so, I was wondering this morning how I could put a new spin on this favorite message of mine. Here’s what I came up with: In honor of this very special holiday, I’d like you to arrange for a very brief check-in with yourself. Don’t worry, I’m talking 700 words or less brief. Just a few minutes of your time. I want you to really think on this question: “Am I showing up for myself?” What do I mean? Showing up for yourself means making choices that...
Read MoreIt’s the best time of your life***!!!!!
***Individual mileage may vary. Void where prohibited. Are you supposed to be having the time of your life, and it’s been anything but? Here we unpack some of the most common myths about a few of life’s biggest milestones. I read a blog post recently that really got me thinking. In it, the author talked about the not-so-subtle pressure she was getting as a mom of young children to carpe diem, to soak up every happy moment as a parent. I highly recommend reading it, whether or not you’re a mom or dad. What I loved best about the post was that it tapped into something important about milestones and expectations in our culture. I want to talk more about...
Read MoreThe life you’re supposed to have
Every day, we are offered a glossy brochure about what our life is supposed to look like. We may see it in the lives of our peers and friends, in questions asked and assumptions made about our choices, among admired colleagues and mentors, and amidst the media-thick diet that we consume daily. Even if you’re living on a commune somewhere and feel free of the influences of popular culture, you probably decided to become a vegan goat-herder because there were some things that you wanted to avoid. What do those brochures tell us about life and success for young people? In our 20s, it is a picture of a young professional in a sharply tailored suit, living in a nice...
Read MoreSeven quick ways to ruin your day
Strapped for time and wondering how you can make this day an absolute bust? Here are seven fail-safe methods that’ll have you sobbing or screaming by bedtime. Start tired. A bad day starts off with a good helping of sleep deprivation. Get fewer than eight hours of sleep the night previous. Procrastinate by watching bad TV episodes, the endings of which you won’t remember in a day’s time. If you need more ideas, go here, and do the opposite of everything listed. You’ll be off to a great start in no time! Overschedule yourself. This might be four consecutive meetings, or working more than eight hours a day. I don’t know what overfull looks...
Read MoreDark places
We all have dark places. Whether it’s the pull of an addiction that wants feeding, a mind that endlessly frets and worries, or the chasm of a deep depression, we each have places we’ve journeyed to in this life that we never wish to see again. Yet, life has a way sometimes of leading us by the hand and taking us back to these places at unexpected times. Anything could spur it, putting those places on the map again: the stress of unemployment, the strain of an unhappy marriage or a bad break up, a meandering life that feels empty or has scarce purpose. When we find ourselves back in that familiar terrain, that dark place, it’s hard not to feel badly about it. We...
Read MoreWhat do people talk about in therapy?
I’ll go ahead and admit up front that today’s post involves recycling some content from my website. There, I said it. Hopefully you’re not judging me right now. The truth is, I’m in the process of restructuring my site, and I’m loathe to part with portions that I worked so hard on just a few months ago. My “therapy topics” page was one such page. But, as I was preparing to take it off of the site, I realized that there was a blog post in there somewhere that could be useful. Many folks want to know what people talk about in therapy. This is especially true of folks who haven’t been in therapy before, though many avid therapy-goers are also...
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