Perfectionism.  As a culture, we seem to have a love/hate relationship with this concept.

After all, we offer accolades to perfectionists for their achievements.

I’m sure you’ve heard it, or perhaps even said it yourself:

“I feel brittle and exhausted, but you should just see the number of articles I published/cakes I baked/hours I billed last week/month/year. 

It was brutal, but I did it!  And, now I have to keep going, because everyone expects this standard of me!!”  (But I’m so tired…)

There’s sense of beleaguered pride, living under the sharp and unrelenting tyranny of perfectionism.

It’s like you’ve won a prickly sort of prize—a fleeting admiration and recognition from others that is quickly traded for a special, lingering sort of depletion and emptiness.  Well, I did it.  Now what?  I guess I have to do it again… but I don’t really want to. 

Perfectionism is a special kind of poison. It gambles away your self-esteem by irretrievably tying your worth to your output, damning you to perpetually produce or fail.  It may be a fine principle for automatons, but it is generally a poor governing principle for human beings.

In fact, these standards can be so “costly” to maintain that there are counselors offering therapy for perfectionism to target this very issue.  (I’m one of them, in fact, and offer therapy for perfectionism in Austin, Texas.)

Read on to learn more about common perfectionism characteristics.

Perfectionism characteristics

Lots of people say they’re perfectionists, but what does it actually mean?  Here are some common perfectionism characteristics:

Highly competitive.  By its very nature, perfectionism demands the best, most perfect outcome.

So, it’s no surprise that perfectionists are highly competitive individuals, refusing to accept anything other than the very best.

Fault-finding.  High standards for self and others means that you often evaluate and find fault with others’ ways of doing things.

Relationships often suffer under the burden of this omnipresent, uncompromising scrutiny.

Polish.  Perfectionism often involves rituals of endless check and revision.  Everything is fiercely polished to a blinding shine.

Hours upon hours are disappeared into this “polish” – without substantive changes occurring to the actual content of the project.

Fragile self-esteem.  If your sense of self-worth is tethered to your performance, it’s no wonder that receiving constructive criticism is not your strong suit.

It also means that when your performance does not measure up to your standards, you are in for a world of emotional pain—a mental barrage of insults, criticism, replays, and what-ifs that can last for weeks, months, and years after the originating event has ended.

Paralysis and procrastination.  Perfectionists are trapped by their own standards.

Laboring under the expectation of perfectionism leads people to procrastinate, to develop elaborate plans that are never executed, or to miss deadlines while applying the last eight coats of mental polish and revision on a perfectly good product.

Creatures of habit.  A fear of mistakes keeps perfectionists true to old methods of doing things that may no longer serve them.

This stifles their creative spirit and can also get them stuck in routines and practices that they do not like.

For a more in-depth treatment of signs and features of perfectionism, go here.

What causes perfectionism characteristics?

Many of the factors that cultivate perfectionism are maintained alongside it in an interesting cause/effect web.

Here are a few common factors that contribute to developing perfectionistic tendencies:

Control.  Because a perfectionist’s motives are tied up in high stakes (i.e., proving worth), perennially crafting excellent outcomes helps them have a sense of control in a world that may feel capricious or punishing.

Specialness.  Praise safeguards a perfectionist from unhappy inner feelings of contempt, emptiness, or shame.  If someone was not raised to have a healthy sense of self-worth, they may be prone to seeking a sense of specialness through chronic perfectionism.

Conditions of worth.  Conditions of worth refer to the belief that one is loveable or worthy only when expressing certain desirable behaviors.  (“Push parenting” is a good example of these kinds of conditions.)  If we are taught that we must be perfect in order to secure love, we will do so.

Shame drives perfectionism most of the time– the sense of not being good enough and having to overcompensate through — you guessed it — perfection.

Consequences of perfectionism

People think that perfectionism produces excellence.

This can be true, but only for the short term.

It’s like sacrificing the life of a plant for a good harvest—you may have a good yield that year, but eventually, you’ll have nothing left.

Having such perpetually elevated standards will eventually blunt both your performance and your feelings and land you in the thick of a bad case of burn out.

As a perfectionist, your minor errors balloon into major transgressions.  So, you are more prone to suffer from symptoms of depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive traits.  You may struggle with procrastination and complete projects late or rarely, daunted by the spectre of perfect expectations.

And, perfectionism is often tied with ritual and rigidity—it has a thorny choke-hold on creativity and innovation.  After all, perfectionists fear failure, so they are loathe to try new things.  New=risky.

Many great ideas die on the vine because you fear failure—and success.  You may feel paralyzed by your own exacting standards, wary and weary at the prospect of proceeding but fearful that if you ease up you will lose your excellence.

And, at the end of a completed project, you’ll often find some aspect of the whole that is dissatisfying.  There is rarely, if ever, a time to celebrate or reward yourself for a job well-done.  I’ll celebrate once I get the next thing done.  It’s like chasing rainbows—the promise of a destination at which you never arrive.  Rather, you’ll find yourself sprinting towards another task, eager for another chance to prove yourself to a world that isn’t watching.

The promise of perfect

This is what it looks like when you’re lost in the promise of perfect.

Left unchecked, perfectionism characteristics will rob you of your happiness.

Meaning and validation is derived externally, from the judgments and evaluations of others, rather than internally, from the process of the work and from one’s own satisfaction in doing it.

Contrast this with high-achieving individuals who happily lose themselves in the process of a project, who are able to disentangle their worth from the outcome, who are able to receive feedback and even failure with relative equanimity.

These people commonly achieve a great deal, but not at the cost of their own selves.

By contrast, a person struggling with perfectionism characteristics has tied their identity and their worth up in what they do, not who they are.

The good news?  Perfectionism can be changed.

Cures for perfectionism

Healing perfectionism is not an overnight fix.

As I’ve already pointed out, we get reinforced quite a bit for being perfectionists. 

In fact, if you decide you’d like to make some changes, you’ll probably meet some resistance from those who’ve come to expect unending excellence from you.

At the root of most perfectionism is a sense of shame and unworthiness.

So, if you want to quit the perfectionism, you have to address the root of the problem.

Deep feelings of shame are often linked to early experiences and trauma that echo in our heads as inner critics.

Once you’ve really tackled this painful inner monologue about your awfulness, you’re most of the way there.  But, having an intellectual understanding of your inner goodness is not enough —  you really have to get a deep sense of worthiness in your own heart for the changes to stick.

There aren’t shortcuts with this kind of personal work.  This is one of the reasons that therapy can really help with perfectionism– it’s not easy to change, but it can be done.

In order to cure your perfectionism, you may have to take a hard look at your work and your relationships.  You may have surrounded yourself with people who love you more for what you do rather than who you are, or those who have come to expect that you’ll sacrifice your wellbeing for critical deadlines.

Turning your back on a fat paycheck or lots of accolades may feel a bit like death– but it may be another step on the journey to kicking the habit of perfectionism.

Perfectionism therapy in Austin, Texas

Perfectionism can be a hard habit to break, but it is not an impossible task.  If you’re looking for therapy for perfectionism in Austin, touch base to schedule your free, half hour consultation– I’d like to help!