I know that taking good care of yourself is going to make the list for lots of bloggers this week, what with Valentine’s Day and all.  I’m glad to be in such good company.  It’s a good message.

And so, I was wondering this morning how I could put a new spin on this favorite message of mine.  Here’s what I came up with:

In honor of this very special holiday, I’d like you to arrange for a very brief check-in with yourself.  Don’t worry, I’m talking 700 words or less brief.  Just a few minutes of your time.

I want you to really think on this question:  “Am I showing up for myself?”

What do I mean?

Showing up for yourself means making choices that honor who you are and what you want.

It means speaking up about and acting on your wishes and dreams.

It means making you a priority in your life, rather than just being the runner-up to someone else’s needs or desires.

“Well, who would do that anyway, Ann?  I’m quite sure no one would barter away their power and influence like that.”

Well, you’re wrong.  People do this.  All the time.

Sacrificed on the altar of obligation

Lots of people struggle to show up for themselves in their daily lives.  This is especially true of many caregivers, sensitive and empathic folks, and people-pleasers. If you have a well-intentioned but overinflated sense of responsibility, your own life can get choked pretty quickly by obligations.

People have day planners full of commitments made to others, with none for themselves.  They opt out of elective self-care and even cut corners on the biological fundamentals that keep a body going, like regular sleep, healthy meals, and exercise.  They talk badly about themselves in conversation with others, and they talk badly to themselves when they are alone.  Nothing is ever good enough.  Someone else needs it more.  They get the leavings and remnants of their own time and energy.  They are the runner-up in their own lives.

Why don’t we show up?

Our culture also does not teach us very healthy or reasonable lessons about self-care.  It more encourages an unfriendly binge/purge cycle of over-indulgence, followed by a rapid, guilt-laden process of undoing.  Measured, thoughtful, persistent care is hard to come by these days.

People who struggle with burn out, people-pleasing, or setting boundaries especially struggle to show up.

Here are a few more causes for this sort of existential absenteeism:

-poor self-esteem (“I don’t get to have nice things.  My needs don’t matter.”)

-distorted priorities (“I am less important than this job/person/responsibility/errand.”)

-upbringing (“I don’t want to be selfish, spoiled, or high-maintenance.”)

-out of touch with needs/wants (“I’ve taken care of others so long, I don’t know what I want.”)

-feeling unworthy (“I’m not entitled to my own time.  Other stuff is more important.”)

-caring too deeply about others/martyrdom (“Someone else needs it more than I do.”)

Consequences

If you stop showing up for yourself, bad things happen.

Creativity, excitement, and spontaneity fade.  Relationships suffer.

People are hollowed out to make room for ghosts.  They house the spirits of others people’s ambitions, hopes and needs while abandoning their own.

In more practical language, people end up burned out, blunted, exhausted and sometimes angry.  They retreat, they cut ties—anything to abandon the duties and people to which they have oversubscribed themselves.

So, ask yourself again.  Are you showing up for yourself?

It’s Valentine’s Day.  Love yourself just a little bit, and pull yourself out from under the list of priorities.  Put yourself atop that list.

Doesn’t that feel better?

Sometimes the battle is bigger than a 700 word blog post.  If you need some extra help, I’m here.  I’m passionate about helping people coming in first place in their lives, instead of feeling like an afterthought.  Come in for a free consultation and let’s talk about it.