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 Are you supposed to be having the time of your life, and it’s been anything but?  Here we unpack some of the most common myths about a few of life’s biggest milestones.

I read a blog post recently that really got me thinking.  In it, the author talked about the not-so-subtle pressure she was getting as a mom of young children to carpe diem, to soak up every happy moment as a parent.  I highly recommend reading it, whether or not you’re a mom or dad.

What I loved best about the post was that it tapped into something important about milestones and expectations in our culture.  I want to talk more about that today.

Going against the grain

There are some rituals and practices designed to usher us from one phase of life to the next.  But, these rituals don’t offer much comfort if we choose a path that falls outside the norm.

So, what happens when life falls short? What happens when we go off the beaten path, or things didn’t happen the way we had hoped?

Whether they are graduating high school, getting married, buying a house, or having a child, folks usually receive lots of accolades and congratulations, and a boatload of unsolicited advice.  Steady help and a sympathetic ear to hold one’s misgivings can be harder to come by, especially if one’s own experiences are at odds with what’s typical.  Stories or choices that deviate from the norm are often met with awkward silence or probing questions, enhancing a sense of isolation and a need to defend one’s choices or position to those nearest and dearest to you.

No surprise, then, that people often feel like they have to “fake good”– meaning they have to act like everything’s okay, or that they have no doubts, even when maybe sometimes they do.  It can be a scary little precipice to sit atop all by one’s lonesome, when life is awash with change.

So, let’s dismantle some of the “these are the best times of your life” mythologies that our culture has about various milestones.  We will look at messages about what is expected, and contrast that with some common realities.

Graduating high school/going to college

How it’s “supposed” to be:

It was so exciting leaving home for the first time.  You don’t struggle balancing being a full-time student with the pressure of obtaining and developing totally new “real world” skill sets, like cooking, cleaning, good time management, self-care, and possibly a part-time job or two.

Of course, you keep a full social calendar in spite of a modest budget.  You don’t struggle with making friends, acclimating to a new campus or city, or deciding what major to marry.  (Don’t worry, it’s just what you’re going to do with the rest of your life.)  You find groups and clubs on campus that dovetail with your interests, and it is easy to participate and feel a sense of belonging.

Also, you don’t ever feel homesick or overwhelmed.  It’s all party, all the time, except when you’re acing your exams and assignments.  The academic workload has nothing on you.  Expository writing?  You’ve got it covered.  Calculus?  No problem.

Oh, and you’re an 18-year-old freshman—because that’s when all people go to college.  Wait, you’re not 18?  Wait.  You didn’t go to college?

If it didn’t go that way for you:

College isn’t an elective anymore—it’s more and more a part of the mainstream timeline.  If you don’t go to college, or you go and don’t finish your degree, you may find yourself justifying your choice to others or fielding some uncomfortable questions.

For most folks, college is the first opportunity to experiment with independent living.  There is less structure, a greater number of expectations, and a huge amount of distraction and opportunities.  Those are some pretty big changes, and having someone in your corner on campus can make a big difference.

Going to college can be scary.  People don’t tend to talk about that part very much.  But, lots of folks struggle with the challenges of college life.

Getting married/being newlyweds

How it’s “supposed” to be:

Ladies, if you are getting married, your wedding day is the most important day of your life.  You don’t quarrel with your partner about bouquets or venues.  You show up and look fabulous at your drama-free wedding.  Everything runs smoothly on the big day.  You will not have second thoughts or doubts about marrying, not even for a moment.  There’s no grief about saying goodbye to the freedoms of single life.  Your friends are all understanding and supportive of your choice, especially the ones who are single.

Your family loves your fiancé, and your families blend beautifully together.  Your in-laws are very sweet and supportive during the wedding planning process.  Everyone gets along well, shares common interests, maybe even plans shared family vacations.  No one fights about money.

If you are a newlywed, people will assume you are having great sex with your spouse.  This will be true.  Consequently, you will feel blissed out all the time.  You don’t ever feel bored with your partner, or ambivalent about the match, or worried about the future.

If it didn’t go that way for you:

It is normal to have some doubts prior to getting married.  It’s not a terribly “romantic” thing to talk about, but it happens.  Newlyweds also fight about finances, household chores, and sex.  It’s not every day you merge households with someone, whether you do it before the wedding or after.  Not everyone has a honeymoon period after marriage.

Make room in your heart for these adjustments—it’s not a sign of disaster if life-after-wedding is a little rough around the edges.  The magazines don’t really advertise that part, but it happens more often than you’d think.

Not everyone wants to be married—more and more people are delaying marriage or are living in domestic partnerships.  This is a newer development, so the frontrunners of this trend get quite a bit of flack and bias about it, from both friends and family members.  But, marriage isn’t a possibility or even a desired option for everyone.

Getting pregnant/having children

How it’s “supposed” to be:

You got pregnant quickly and easily.  You glowed all the time when you were pregnant.  You don’t feel any grief or regrets about the sacrifices you’ve made with your body, time, money, energy and sleep to bring a new person into the world.  Your pregnancy and delivery were by the book and as you planned.  You never, ever wonder about what life would be like if you didn’t have children.  You don’t miss freely sleeping in or going out, as you used to do without a babysitter or a second thought.

Did your child just stuff raisins up his nose?  No worries—that’s a magical “teachable” moment.  You and your partner (yes, your partner is in the picture, of course) share views on parenting, and responsibilities are divided evenly and fairly, without conflict.  Also, your sex life and your body image hasn’t suffered at all since your pregnancy.

As a new parent, you feel confident and sure of yourself.  Any unsolicited advice coming from friends, family, or strangers, is accepted easily and with grace.  The career/mom dilemma has nothing on you.  You have a family and work setting that uplifts and supports you in this chapter of your life, offering good maternity leave benefits and practical help when you need it.  You firmly believe that sleep deprivation builds character or you have a child that sleeps through the night, no problem.  You have a calm, well-behaved, attractive child with an easy temperament and no health problems.

Wait, you do have children, right?

If it didn’t go that way for you:

It’s okay to acknowledge what you’ve sacrificed.  In fact, it’s important to be in touch with your frustrations and sacrifices.  Sacrifices that are unacknowledged and unspoken are apt to grow resentment over time.  Try to give yourself credit for all that you have done.  Perhaps there were developments that caught you by surprise.  Let yourself feel grief and uncertainty about those.  Find other parents who are supportive and real.  Trade favors, stories, and nights out.  Ask for help.  It’s a big job, and it’s a bit crazy to think you’re supposed to have it all covered all the time.

It’s okay if you’re not sure right away whether or not you want to be a mom or dad.  Some people seem to grow up knowing that, but there are quite a lot of people who feel ambivalent or are unsure.  It is also okay if you choose not to have children.

A few final thoughts

There are dozens of other transitions and life changes I could have included here— starting a business, surviving one’s 20s, retiring, buying a house, and more.  We receive messages all our lives about these happy occasions, but sometimes life forecasts wrong, or we think we should feel one way when we actually feel another.

If you have mixed feelings about an upcoming transition in your life, welcome to the human race.  Most of us are going through the same stuff, we’re just not talking openly about it.

And if you had the good fortune to have a series of peaceful and easy transitions in your own life, more power to you!  I only ask that you please have patience and understanding for the folks who didn’t.