Three ruinous ways to grieve

There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t been scalded by grief at one time or another.  Here are three ways to turn a natural, healthy process into a grueling, painful chore.

1.)    Judge yourself, judge your feelings.  Nothing helps a wounded heart like a helping of judgment and condemnation.  If you can’t muster contempt for your feelings, consider surrounding yourself with people who minimize your experience in ways both large and small.

Better tactic:  Things are hard enough as it is.  To whatever extent you are able, remain open to your feelings as they emerge.  Don’t abandon yourself to judgments about whether or not you are entitled to feeling a certain way.  Feeling states are like colors—they are not right or wrong, they simply are.

Rather than trying to reason with, suppress, or disappear them, just notice these feelings.  Seek comfort.  Be kind.

2.)    Adopt damaging coping methods.  Give yourself permission to take up bad habits.  Tell yourself that you are sparing other people’s feelings by coping on your own.

Better tactic:  Right now, you are vulnerable.  So, it’s best to avoid the company of people who would encourage or enable you to adopt old, unhealthy ways of coping.  Be especially wary of strong feelings of guilt, shame, or depression that may cultivate self-destructive behaviors.

3.)    Refuse help.  When people ask if there is anything they can do, dismiss the offer without considering it.  Insist on doing all of the work by yourself.  Isolate yourself.

Better tactic:  It is far better to seek support and help than to go it alone.  By asking for help from trusted loved ones, you offer them the unique opportunity to love and care for you in a time of great need.

There is no reason to do this by yourself.  Grief can be a very private process, but you can nonetheless receive support and love on your own terms along the way.

The pain associated with grief and loss can be staggering.  Yet, these experiences are a common part of life.

By remaining compassionate and receptive to support, you will give yourself the things you need to cope and mend.  You will also teach a loving, valuable lesson to the people around you.