Some people live buried under heaps of guilty feelings. Are you one of them?

Guilt is a bit like pepper—small amounts can sharpen the flavors of your life experiences. But, a stomach full of nothing but pepper won’t give you anything but an ulcer. Out of control guilt damages our self-esteem while removing any of the feeling’s useful functions.

So, while we may not like it at all, occasional feelings of guilt are a healthy and appropriate part of our emotional palette. In fact, healthy guilt has an important job, showing when we’ve done something wrong or acted badly. It helps us to keep our conduct in line with our self-perception—helps us know that we are a reasonably good person who’s sometimes prone to bad judgment. Not so bad, right?

Well, if our guilt emerges from a toxic, punishing place, we may end up crippled by these feelings. Instead of using these feelings to correct our actions or shape future choices, we instead end up buried under them.

So, how can you know if your guilt is the “good” kind or the “bad” kind?

From “oops!” to “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

So, how do we go from small mistakes to everything’s-very-high-stakes?

Toxic guilt wants to see you pay. It is the difference between a slap on the wrist and a smack in the face. It is guilt that persists over time. Toxic guilt usually does not see the difference between a small mistake and a big one. It is indifferent to your apologies and doesn’t care if you try and make things right.

This is because toxic guilt loves a smear campaign.

It’s like it is hanging out in the wings, just waiting for you to screw up, and then it jumps all over you for it. It loves to draw conclusions about your character and your overall worth as a human being based on a single mistake or misstep.

At the heart of it, toxic guilt thinks you’re a hot mess, and it wants you to know it.

Sound like anyone you know? (I hope not!) But, if it does, well, that’s because we first encounter guilty feelings in our own families, as our parents and siblings tried to teach us about right and wrong. Depending on how those lessons went, and how our own parents learned as children, we may have gotten a lot of shame and toxicity mixed in with those early lessons. And, that can be part of how your sense of guilt got a taste for real cruelty.

Still not sure if you’re grappling with toxic guilt? Read on for a few more ways to tell.

Five signs of guilt-grabbing

People who struggle with high levels of toxic guilt often have an overactive sense of responsibility or duty. I call these people “guilt grabbers” – a term I borrowed from polygraph (lie detector) testing. When polygraphs were first developed, “guilt grabber” was a term psychologists used to refer to people who would provide lots of false positives on the test—appearing anxious and guilty, even though they were actually innocent.

These “guilt grabbers” often have an over-developed sense of responsibility and a strong moral compass. Here are a few more signs you may be a guilt grabber.

You may be a guilt grabber if you…
-frequently apologize for things that aren’t your fault.
-have an over-large sense of responsibility for things outside your control.
-are hyperattuned to the needs and feelings of others.
-received messages growing up that you are responsible for others’ happiness or misery.
-overcompensate for a guilty conscience by “over-giving” or engaging in penance.

What can help?

Here are a few ways to get some distance and perspective on guilty feelings.

Reality check. Pause and ask yourself if you would expect the same “punishment” or reaction from a dear friend. If you think those expectations would be overly sharp or harsh, take that as a hint that you may be going overboard.

Propulsion. Let the guilt do its job, if it’s the healthy kind. Let the mistake register in your conscience, and it will help safeguard you from making tempting but ultimately damaging choices in the future. It will also encourage you to make reparations if needed.

Give credit. See if you can recognize the critical voice of your guilt—if it’s a parent, or an old friend, acknowledge that. Sometimes recognizing that the voice is not fully your own can help.

Take a deep breath. Remember, you are more than the sum of your actions. Everyone does, indeed, make mistakes. Even you, even I!

Does guilt go after you? What helps you cope with heavy feelings of guilt?