Drama queens, narcissists, naysayers, and critics.

Sometimes life has occasion to bring people into it that stand in our way, making things onerous and trying. Here’s how you can cope effectively with one such kind of person.

The hungry ones

This sort of person is always hungry—for your time, your attention, and your admiration.

A hungry one is often talking or acting in a way that commands attention. They’re not simply a big personality, though. They seem to suffer when others have the floor, checking out or losing interest, waiting impatiently for their turn. They’re not particularly good listeners.

Hungry ones rarely tire of talking. They use people like mirrors, telling the same engaging stories and experiences to showcase their own lives to others. They delight in seeing their own lives reflected back at them, but they won’t show much interest when you follow up with a story of your own.

It is hard to get close to a hungry one. They are adept at holding people at arm’s length with words and gestures and glamour. If you are too close, you cannot watch them. They want you at a safe, adoring distance.

You may know the name of their childhood pets, their favorite flavor of ice cream, and where they vacationed for the last three summers, but a hungry one would struggle to say much of anything about you or your interests. Sometimes they may make a study of you and the details of your life, if they feel they are in competition with you. But generally, it’s not worth the trouble of getting to know you very well.

If they do know facts about your life, these will be strung together in a haphazard fashion: “likes cats” “enjoys parks” “hates broccoli.” They won’t really have a good sense of who you are as a person. This is because they experience others in two dimensions. They are too embroiled in their own feelings and needs to develop a sophisticated representation of yours.

Hungry ones always put their best foot forward, so you’re unlikely to see them in a state of vulnerability. If you happen to see one make a mistake, they will be mortified at this insult to their ego and will struggle to bounce back. They may even become angry at you. Underneath the show and talk is often a very insecure, unhappy person.

What I’m describing here is a style of narcissism. Some people may have just a touch of these features, while others may have a full blown personality disorder.

How did I end up with a hungry one?

Sound familiar?

The way I tell it, being in contact with a hungry one sounds pretty exhausting and one-sided. However, hungry ones can make great friends and partners initially. They are charming, engaging, and excellent story-tellers. Their lives seem exciting, laden with possibilities.

If you are someone who tends to see the best in people or tends towards emotional caregiving and lots of listening, you can easily end up with a hungry one.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I think I’m a hungry one!” –don’t panic. Often, hungry ones lack self-awareness. That is, they’re unlikely to see what they’re doing unless they’ve gotten a lot of feedback from disgruntled partners and former friends. More likely, you’re in relationship or friendship with someone where things started off rosy and then the tides suddenly, inexplicably shifted when these big appetites arrived on the scene.

It is quite healthy and appropriate to have a bit of an ego at times—to revel in the attention of others and enjoy talking about oneself. But, if you use your relationships primarily to gratify this need, or you often feel empty and lusterless in the absence of others’ regard, you may be struggling with some hunger. If this is the case, your task may come from learning how to “feed” yourself emotionally rather than using other people to meet these needs.

How to cope with a hungry one

Question the value. The first thing you should ask yourself: is this a relationship worth keeping? If not, seek support to end it.

Minimize contact. If you’ve examined the relationship and you want to keep it or are not in a position to end it, you may find some relief in minimizing contact with the person. You may spend less time with them, or you may develop some “exit strategies” so that if you find yourself in conversation with such a person, you are able to extricate yourself relatively quickly.

Are you hungry? If you are resentful of someone else being center stage all the time, ask yourself: are you getting fed? By this I mean, do you have activities in your life that elevate and nourish and gratify you? Your dislike may stem from jealousy. Or, you may have had some sense of emotional poverty or scarcity growing up—not enough attention from mom or dad, or often in constant competition in order to get noticed. You may find your tolerance for the hungry person in your life is directly proportional to how well-fed you feel.

Go underneath. Okay, so maybe this person really makes you mad. Look under that feeling, though, and examine where your anger comes from. Are you feeling used? Ignored? Helpless? Knowing what feelings accompany your irritation will help you with the next step.

Claim your bags. Does this person remind you of someone else? Are they getting mixed up with your unfinished business with a parent—your unclaimed baggage? Is your discontent with them merely riding on the coattails of an older, larger unhappiness? Put the feelings where they belong: the person in your present life may present some challenges, but they may not be responsible for all that’s going on.

Have compassion. Hungry ones are not bad people. They are folks who went hungry a lot in childhood, deferring their needs so that someone larger and louder (i.e., a parent, a sibling) could meet their own instead. Sometimes it helps simply to remind yourself of this while in their presence.

Just remember: there’s enough to go around.