What causes people pleasing?

Posted by on in Attachment, Blog, Codependency, Trauma | 0 comments

Hi, y’all– here’s my next installment in video series I’m putting together on mental health.  In today’s video, I tackle the topic “What causes people pleasing?” — take a look! If you’d like to stay in touch for future videos, you can subscribe to my Youtube channel here:  What causes people pleasing? Transcript: I’m Ann Stoneson, I’m a therapist in private practice in Austin, Texas. Today, I want to talk a little bit about the origin of people-pleasing.  Most people when you ask them “Do you know what a people pleaser is?”— they can give you a pretty clear answer. ...

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Anxious Attachment Quiz: People pleasing vs codependency vs anxious attachment

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Are you wondering if you have anxious attachment?  Here’s a quick, extremely informal and homemade way to assess if your relationship style might lean toward anxious attachment (aka, preoccupied attachment or ambivalent attachment). This isn’t a formal assessment!  You’d need to sit down with a mental health professional to discuss these matters in depth to know for certain—or have them administer an AAI (Adult Attachment Interview). A Very Not-Official Anxious Attachment Quiz Review the following items, making a note of each one that describes you well: I often end up in relationships where I seem more invested than the other person. In romantic relationships,...

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Stop Shaming People Pleasers: People Pleasing as a Relational Strategy

Posted by on in Attachment, Blog, Codependency, Therapy | 0 comments

Hi, y’all– here’s my first installment in video series I’m putting together on mental health.  I’m kicking things off with a discussion about “What is people-pleasing?” — take a look! If you’d like to stay in touch for future videos, you can subscribe to my Youtube channel here: What is people pleasing? Transcript: Hi, there.  My name is Ann Stoneson.  I’m a therapist in private practice in Austin Texas and I specialize in working with people pleasers.  And if you’ve followed my work at all, you know this is a topic I am really passionate about.  I...

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Are you in a codependent relationship? Avoidant attachment meets anxious attachment.

Posted by on in Attachment, Blog, Codependency | 0 comments

Are you in a codependent relationship? Codependency is a pattern of problematic behavior in interpersonal relationships.  Here are some of the common features or situations you’ll see in codependent relationships. The codependency behaviors listed below are better understood as anxious attachment or people-pleasing behaviors, which I’ve written more about here. The other attachment style commonly paired with anxious attachment is avoidant attachment. This post doesn’t describe those behaviors, but you can learn a bit more about that here. So, here are some common examples of codependency in relationships– specifically, what people-pleasing looks like...

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Am I Codependent? Getting a Good Codependency Definition

Posted by on in Attachment, Blog, Codependency, Self-esteem, Trauma | 7 comments

Are you trying to find a good codependency definition? Maybe you’ve read Codependent No More or you’ve got a copy of Facing Codependence on your nightstand—highlighted and earmarked. Maybe you recognized yourself in those pages.  I know I did. Whether you’re a fan of Pia Mellody or Melody Beattie, or even if you’ve never read anything by them, it’s okay.  You’re beginning to put words to what you think is going on—and that’s a start.  There are many different codependency signs and symptoms, and it can be confusing trying to get a clear codependency definition. So, you’re wondering:  Am I codependent?  What is codependency? I’d argue that a...

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Codependency Therapy in Austin: Where to Get Help

Posted by on in Attachment, Blog, Codependency, Self-esteem, Therapy, Trauma | 0 comments

If you’re reading this article, you probably don’t need to read this one. You already know about the signs and symptoms of codependency.  You may already realize you’re in a codependent relationship. Perhaps you’ve already made up your mind to seek codependency therapy. If you’re looking for codependency therapy in Austin, you’re in the right spot.  I’m a therapist that specializes in codependency therapy in Austin, and I’ve been doing this work for over a decade. Even so, I’m going to spend some time talking about other ways to get help for codependency in Austin.  And, I’ll give you an idea about what therapy for codependency looks like from the...

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Three reasons why it’s hard to quit people-pleasing

Posted by on in Blog, Codependency, Self-esteem, Trauma | 1 comment

If you’ve been following my work for a while, you know I’ve talked before about the high costs of people-pleasing. I’ve also talked at length about what causes people-pleasing. But why is it so hard for people to quit people-pleasing? More recently, I’ve gotten several comments on my posts from people in their 50s and 60s stating that they’re relieved to have a name for what has shaped their lives for so long.  And they wonder if they can make changes. I absolutely believe that people can change—in any season of life, and for any number of reasons.  With proper support and education, I’ve seen clients of mine disrupt patterns and dynamics that have been...

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The self-care* revolution: defeating self-neglect, one banana at a time

Posted by on in Blog, Codependency, Self-care, Self-esteem, Trauma | 0 comments

I was sitting in my car, waiting to go in for my therapy, with thank you notes in my lap.  I always do this—bring work with me somewhere, for the scraps of time in between appointments. Most tasks return home undone.  I perpetually overestimate how much I can do.  It is a dilemma I put myself in often, and something I try to untangle most days. So I have this beautiful card in my hand.  It’s a dreamy watercolor, with autumn leaves resting on the surface of a bluegreen pool.  A peaceful image. I’m admiring it.  And then the hunger pangs start. I’ve been awake since 6 am.  It’s nearly 9, and I haven’t eaten. I’m sitting in my car, and I start...

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People pleasing and new moms: the perfect storm

Posted by on in Attachment, Blog, Codependency, Motherhood, Self-care, Self-esteem | 0 comments

New moms and people pleasing.  If you’ve been following along, I bet you can see how those two combined make for some pretty stormy weather. Even new moms with pretty sturdy boundaries can find themselves lost in those early years of mothering.  (Unsupported.  Depleted.  Feeling like failures.) Much of what I do in work with people pleasers extends to the kind of work I’m doing with new moms, things like: + learning to say no without feeling guilty + support in setting up a regular practice of self-care + practice identifying and responding to one’s own needs, wishes, and feelings + exploring the roots of where this stuff comes from, so you can be a better...

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A New Specialty: Counseling for New Moms in Austin

Posted by on in Attachment, Blog, Codependency, Motherhood, Therapy | 0 comments

In a way, my private practice is set up selfishly. Yeah, I know it seems like a contradiction in terms—I’m a therapist, and I’m passionate about helping others. And given that I’ve struggled with being a people-pleaser most of my life, other people’s needs have almost always figured front and center for me. (That’s a big part of what people-pleasing is all about—getting crowded out of your own life by the needs and feelings of others.) So how does being selfish figure in? Being a selfish therapist Being in private practice lets me choose who I work with. And because I get to choose, I often work with people whose struggles and stories somehow mirror my...

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The people pleaser holiday survival guide

Posted by on in Blog, Codependency, Self-care | 0 comments

When you think of all the gifts and food and cards and visits and parties crowding your to-do list in December… or, on the flip side, when you think of the stress of watching everyone go about their very interesting and holiday-ed magical lives on Facebook while you sit at home in sweatpants and feel less-than… …well, you can see how easy it is to feel lonely and/or overwhelmed this time of year. Add in a big dose of people-pleasing into the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster! Let’s avoid the disaster this year.  Okay? Let’s do it differently this time. Introducing your very own people pleaser holiday survival guide! Just remember: ...

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Ten painful & hidden costs of people-pleasing

Posted by on in Attachment, Blog, Codependency | 13 comments

Helping others, giving selflessly, staying tuned into the feelings of others—what’s so bad about that?  There are many hidden costs of people-pleasing that most people overlook. In fact, the costs of people-pleasing can be very steep. In small doses, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to please important people in your life.  It can be a great kindness to share your time, resources and energy on someone you care about. The trouble comes when these riches get squandered on anyone who asks, leaving little left over for you. People-pleasing spells trouble when it feels less like a choice and more like a compulsion or obligation. A rose by any other name… The fact...

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