Attachment
Insecure attachment makes so much sense.
It’s easy to understand how insecure attachment gets a bad rap. There’s loads of research studies talking about the early negative and often lifelong impact of these relational styles. It impacts our social relationships, academic performance, rates of mental illness, and, to add salt to the wound, success rates in therapy. (Let’s appreciate the unfortunate irony of that last one for a moment.) So I’m not surprised that when you type ‘insecure attachment’ into google, the most commonly seen autocomplete threads say something like ‘do I have it’ and then ‘treatment’ … I get it. It’s a long list of consequences to something that gets...
Read MoreWhat causes people pleasing?
Hi, y’all– here’s my next installment in video series I’m putting together on mental health. In today’s video, I tackle the topic “What causes people pleasing?” — take a look! If you’d like to stay in touch for future videos, you can subscribe to my Youtube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-GGFzmtZvR9j1noAp1AbaA What causes people pleasing? Transcript: I’m Ann Stoneson, I’m a therapist in private practice in Austin, Texas. Today, I want to talk a little bit about the origin of people-pleasing. Most people when you ask them “Do you know what a people pleaser is?”— they can give you a pretty clear answer. ...
Read MoreAnxious Attachment Quiz: People pleasing vs codependency vs anxious attachment
Are you wondering if you have anxious attachment? Here’s a quick, extremely informal and homemade way to assess if your relationship style might lean toward anxious attachment (aka, preoccupied attachment or ambivalent attachment). This isn’t a formal assessment! You’d need to sit down with a mental health professional to discuss these matters in depth to know for certain—or have them administer an AAI (Adult Attachment Interview). A Very Not-Official Anxious Attachment Quiz Review the following items, making a note of each one that describes you well: I often end up in relationships where I seem more invested than the other person. In romantic relationships,...
Read MoreStop Shaming People Pleasers: People Pleasing as a Relational Strategy
Hi, y’all– here’s my first installment in video series I’m putting together on mental health. I’m kicking things off with a discussion about “What is people-pleasing?” — take a look! If you’d like to stay in touch for future videos, you can subscribe to my Youtube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-GGFzmtZvR9j1noAp1AbaA What is people pleasing? Transcript: Hi, there. My name is Ann Stoneson. I’m a therapist in private practice in Austin Texas and I specialize in working with people pleasers. And if you’ve followed my work at all, you know this is a topic I am really passionate about. I...
Read MoreAre you in a codependent relationship? Avoidant attachment meets anxious attachment.
Are you in a codependent relationship? Codependency is a pattern of problematic behavior in interpersonal relationships. Here are some of the common features or situations you’ll see in codependent relationships. The codependency behaviors listed below are better understood as anxious attachment or people-pleasing behaviors, which I’ve written more about here. The other attachment style commonly paired with anxious attachment is avoidant attachment. This post doesn’t describe those behaviors, but you can learn a bit more about that here. So, here are some common examples of codependency in relationships– specifically, what people-pleasing looks like...
Read MoreAm I Codependent? Getting a Good Codependency Definition
Are you trying to find a good codependency definition? Maybe you’ve read Codependent No More or you’ve got a copy of Facing Codependence on your nightstand—highlighted and earmarked. Maybe you recognized yourself in those pages. I know I did. Whether you’re a fan of Pia Mellody or Melody Beattie, or even if you’ve never read anything by them, it’s okay. You’re beginning to put words to what you think is going on—and that’s a start. There are many different codependency signs and symptoms, and it can be confusing trying to get a clear codependency definition. So, you’re wondering: Am I codependent? What is codependency? I’d argue that a...
Read MoreCodependency Therapy in Austin: Where to Get Help
If you’re reading this article, you probably don’t need to read this one. You already know about the signs and symptoms of codependency. You may already realize you’re in a codependent relationship. Perhaps you’ve already made up your mind to seek codependency therapy. If you’re looking for codependency therapy in Austin, you’re in the right spot. I’m a therapist that specializes in codependency therapy in Austin, and I’ve been doing this work for over a decade. Even so, I’m going to spend some time talking about other ways to get help for codependency in Austin. And, I’ll give you an idea about what therapy for codependency looks like from the...
Read MoreThe separation of immigrant children from their families is unethical and illegal
I must speak up about what is happening at the US/Mexico border right now. Thousands of children have been forcibly taken from their families and detained as part of a new policy enacted by the Trump administration. I am a therapist in private practice, and I specialize in trauma recovery. Before I became a therapist, I spent a lot of time in school. Years and years. And I got to participate in a bit of research and write about what I had learned. Here are a few relevant points: Childhood trauma has a lifelong impact that shapes physical, emotional, and relational health. Sudden or prolonged separation from a caregiver is a form of childhood trauma. One of the key...
Read MorePeople pleasing and new moms: the perfect storm
New moms and people pleasing. If you’ve been following along, I bet you can see how those two combined make for some pretty stormy weather. Even new moms with pretty sturdy boundaries can find themselves lost in those early years of mothering. (Unsupported. Depleted. Feeling like failures.) Much of what I do in work with people pleasers extends to the kind of work I’m doing with new moms, things like: + learning to say no without feeling guilty + support in setting up a regular practice of self-care + practice identifying and responding to one’s own needs, wishes, and feelings + exploring the roots of where this stuff comes from, so you can be a better...
Read MoreA New Specialty: Counseling for New Moms in Austin
In a way, my private practice is set up selfishly. Yeah, I know it seems like a contradiction in terms—I’m a therapist, and I’m passionate about helping others. And given that I’ve struggled with being a people-pleaser most of my life, other people’s needs have almost always figured front and center for me. (That’s a big part of what people-pleasing is all about—getting crowded out of your own life by the needs and feelings of others.) So how does being selfish figure in? Being a selfish therapist Being in private practice lets me choose who I work with. And because I get to choose, I often work with people whose struggles and stories somehow mirror my...
Read MoreTen painful & hidden costs of people-pleasing
Helping others, giving selflessly, staying tuned into the feelings of others—what’s so bad about that? There are many hidden costs of people-pleasing that most people overlook. In fact, the costs of people-pleasing can be very steep. In small doses, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to please important people in your life. It can be a great kindness to share your time, resources and energy on someone you care about. The trouble comes when these riches get squandered on anyone who asks, leaving little left over for you. People-pleasing spells trouble when it feels less like a choice and more like a compulsion or obligation. A rose by any other name… The fact...
Read More
