When you think of all the gifts and food and cards and visits and parties crowding your to-do list in December…

or, on the flip side, when you think of the stress of watching everyone go about their very interesting and holiday-ed magical lives on Facebook while you sit at home in sweatpants and feel less-than…

…well, you can see how easy it is to feel lonely and/or overwhelmed this time of year.

Add in a big dose of people-pleasing into the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster!

Let’s avoid the disaster this year.  Okay?

Let’s do it differently this time.

Introducing your very own people pleaser holiday survival guide!

Just remember:  everything that follows is probably stuff you already know.  The magic comes in putting things into practice.

Onward!

Step One: Set an intention

Don’t let the holidays put you into a holi-daze, if you get my meaning.

So, like they say in every yoga class, set an intention.

Let’s be thoughtful and deliberate about this stuff.  How do we want to spend this season?

Do we want time with friends or family?  How much?

And what about time for yourself, resting and relaxing?

Do you want to participate in any holiday traditions this year?  Or make your own?  Are there any you’d like to opt out of?

You are the architect of your experience.  And what does any good architect start with?  A vision, a concept.  An intention.  That’s the first step.

What’s next?

Step Two:  Make your plan

So you have your intention.

Now you need some practical plans to help make it happen.  You need to act with your intention in mind.  You need a blueprint.

If you need some solitude or down time for yourself, you’ll need to say no to at least a couple of people.

I know, I know– it’s not your favorite.

But no people-pleaser holiday survival guide would be complete without a nice lecture on the virtues of saying no.

People pleasers get nervous about setting boundaries.  They don’t want to disappoint others, they feel badly about considering their own needs.

So, instead of thinking about opting out of things, reframe the task.  Think about the things where you wanna opt in.  Realize that your time and energy is limited—where do you want to spend it?

Or, if part of your intention is finding/preserving some inner peace this season, you may need to come up with a plan to not get roped into some of the old family drama.

You may want to develop a menu of tactics ahead of time, to help you cope with difficult situations.  Simple things, like taking a quick walk to get out of the house, or running a helpful errand, or having a couple of stock phrases to deflect intrusive questions or uncomfortable moments can help a great deal.

A little bit of preparation can go a long way to helping you have an enjoyable holiday season.  So add some practices and plans that will support you in your intention this year.

Step Three:  Enlist allies

People-pleasers are usually terrible at asking for help.  They’re too busy being helpful to receive help in any meaningful way, even if they badly need it.

But this is a crucial step!  It can really help to enlist a trusted ally in this project.

You can even plan together how to hold loving boundaries during the holiday season.  This ally can be a family member, a friend, or a kindred spirit striving to set similar boundaries.

Announcing your intention and plan to others can help solidify it in your own mind.  Their inquiries about your progress can help you stay accountable.

They may, at times, be able to run some gentle interference for you, as you try to stay true to your intention.  They can offer sanity checks, a bit of humor to add some levity, or just a listening ear if you need it.

Time with family during the holidays can be both joyful and taxing—all at the same time!  And time apart from family during the holidays can be the same.

And for those of us without family to call our own– through loss or deliberate choice to preserve our own wellbeing, the holidays can be quite tender territory.

It’s a mixed bag, to be sure—and you want the best chance of pulling out a handful of good experiences from the mix.

So, enlist someone to support you on your journey.  And offer them some support in return—it may offer you some perspective and give you some warm fuzzies, too.

Step Four:  Bringing it all together

The main point to this whole process is for you to consciously think about what you want to get out of the holiday season, to develop a basic plan of action, and to ask for support as you act that plan out.

Even the best laid plans will have some problems or hiccups.

It will not be perfect.  That’s okay.

The best thing you can do is continue to try and hold your intention in mind, and act in the best way you can to support that.  Because if you do that, then you are in your own corner, on your own team.

And that’s some of the best support you can possibly have.

So if you have a frazzled, nutty moment, or a stressful afternoon, cut yourself some slack.  Do what you can to center yourself, be kind and compassionate, and then go on with your day.

Just about everyone has some added stress in their lives at this time of year—and this season offers people-pleasers some unique opportunities to practice their no’s and other boundaries.

So, set your intention, develop a plan, ask for help and do your best!

Happy holidays!

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Why am I writing a people pleaser holiday survival guide?  Because we teach what we need to know!  Hi, I’m Ann Stoneson.  I’m a recovering people-pleaser myself, and a therapist in Austin, Texas who offers EMDR therapy and counseling for codependency, people-pleasing, and new moms.  If you’re looking for a therapist in Austin and could use a boost through the holiday season, let’s set up a free consultation and talk more about it.