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The best repair you ever made
How’s your filter? No, not your car’s air filter. And not the ones in your A/C at home. I’m talking about your mental filter. Every piece of information we receive makes its way through some sort of a filter. Many of us have several filters. Some of them can be quite cruel and even damaging. So, just like we check our car’s oil and air filter every couple thousand of miles, let’s arrange for a quick mental filter check of our own. Read on to see if you’ve got any of these particular models installed; if so, we should arrange for a repair or a replacement right away. If we do a good job, I think it will be one of the best repairs you ever make. Three...
Read MoreHappy women = happy world
When I tell people that I specialize in women’s wellness, they wonder what that means. Therapy looks different for women than it does for men. In fact, therapy looks different for each and every person I see. But let’s get back to women’s wellness. What does that mean? Many women struggle with similar stuff. Part of my job is simply to be aware about these things. Here are two examples of things that I help women with in my private practice in Austin. Self-care, invisible work, and burnout Most women I know are caregivers. They are caring for a spouse, for children, or for aging parents. They may be “unofficial” caregivers in the workplace or among...
Read MoreGetting through a bad breakup
Heartbreak is real. In fact, many people come to therapy for help after a bad breakup. But, some folks feel ashamed about this. They don’t feel entitled to their own feelings. But who hasn’t felt heartbroken at one point or another? Even if it’s been a long time since you felt that way, I’m sure you can still remember what it was like. In case you need a reminder, here are some common signs. Signs and symptoms of heartbreak Crying Intense feelings of loneliness Trouble sleeping Thinking obsessively about your ex Checking up on your ex through mutual friends, Facebook, or other technology Change in appetite or weight Deep feelings of sadness, grief, or...
Read MoreWarning: your batter may be lumpy
When I was eight years old, I went to my school’s fall fair. Maybe your school had something similar. We had the usual assortment of activities there—confetti eggs, monster makeup, a bouncy castle, snow cones, face painting and a bean bag toss. Most everyone was dressed up, previewing their Halloween costumes for the neighborhood. But there was one event that captured my eight year old heart: the cake walk. I was a little girl with a big sweet tooth, so I’m sure you can imagine how the “prize” table commanded my attention. I gave every last ticket I had to walk in that cake walk. But somehow, when the music stopped, I always ended up stranded. Even...
Read MoreLet’s play pretend
I have a game for us. Let’s pretend that you had all the money you needed or wanted. Pretend that you had all the time in the world. Tell me a story So, let’s pretend you have enough. What would you be doing? Who would you be spending your time with? Why? What kinds of changes would you be making? And what sorts of stuff would you keep the same, even with all this extra money and time? Why wait? I’m willing to bet that there’s a part of this future that you could break off and make a reality now. I know some people will disagree. “If I can’t have it all, I don’t want just a piece. I’ll wait.” To me, that’s like refusing a slice of cake because...
Read MoreAsleep at the wheel
The sleepy fall weather we’re having here in Austin has got me thinking about all sorts of comforts that go along with the season. For some reason, I’m thinking of hibernation specifically—and how we sometimes go into a kind of hibernation ourselves sometimes when things get tough. —————————————– How do you handle hardship? When faced with relationship troubles or other life stresses, do you tackle things head on and seek immediate solutions? Or, do you retreat and wait for things to blow over? Maybe you do your best to smooth things over right away with comfort,...
Read MoreTea sipping and soap sniffing
I was getting some pretty weird looks in the grocery store today. I can’t say I blame folks, I was being peculiar. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Here’s what happened: I was trying to make a trip through the thick of grocery-store rush hour, making a beeline for the sour cream. There were a bunch of people buying bread at the same time, so I made a last minute detour. And suddenly, there I was in the natural foods aisle, picking up every bar of handmade soap and sniffing it. In my defense, these were some beautiful bars of soap. And some amazing flavors. Bluebonnet. Cinnamon. Lavender. Almond. I let the sour cream wait for a bit. (It’s not...
Read MoreThe loneliness of motherhood
I was talking with a friend the other day about her first year and a half as a mother. It’s been a mixed bag for her. Many of the stories she shared brought a smile to both our faces—quiet moments spent readying the nursery, her memory of her child’s first steps, the joyful reaction and support of family and friends during the birth. But my friend also admitted to me that there has been a dark side to the first year. She has felt judged and isolated, uncertain and fearful, and competitive with her friends who are also new moms. Some new parents will be glad to tell you about their parenting hardships, if you ask. But few will bring it up on their own, and even...
Read MoreSeven serious signs of burnout
I wondered if this topic was worth writing about, since burnout is one of those things that you know it if you see it in someone else. Trouble is, we sometimes have a hard time seeing it when it’s happening to us. Plus, I wanted to write about this because I’m big on helping people-pleasers, and people-pleasers are notoriously vulnerable to burnout. They’re so busy being accommodating that they frequently end up oversubscribed and overwhelmed. Exposure to chronic stress has very serious consequences. You may not see it at first. You may even think you’ve gamed the system by simply powering through a tough situation or stressful job. Unfortunately, American...
Read More3 tips for staying sane on the internet
Last week, we talked about some our worst online habits and how these gestures can eat up our time and our peace of mind. We ruminate and worry. We get involved in hopeless conversations, trying to change someone else’s mind. We pick fights. What is happening in these exchanges? Why do we resort to and/or tolerate this kind of meanness? And most importantly: how can we shield ourselves from it? Why are we so mean? The internet is a strangely accommodating place. It is like a big playground with sparse signage, so you need to navigate with care. You can easily find camps of people who will affirm your choices and values. And you can just as easily stumble...
Read MoreYour five worst online habits
Sometimes the internet is a junkyard. It is where we toss all those loose psychic odds and ends that we don’t want to handle—scraps of feelings and pieces of conflicts that we can’t or won’t process with the people closest to us. Over the next couple of posts, I hope to offer you a few tips on how to improve your internet hygiene, so you don’t end up buried under other people’s emotional refuse. I’d also like it if you’d look at your own online habits, to see if you’re leaving some of your stuff on someone else’s plate or causing yourself some unnecessary trouble. Why talk about internet hygiene on a mental health blog? Even if we practice...
Read MoreThe hidden hours, repurposed
This past weekend, I took a trip out to west Texas. It’s truly amazing country, if you’ve never had occasion to visit there yourself. I know the sky is the same size wherever you go, but somehow it seemed bigger there. And living in cities for most of my life, I had forgotten what a sky full of stars could look like. I went on this trip craving a bit of solitude. It was a weekend designed as a restorative stop-gap, a little something to take back with me into a tight and busy life. I thought it would be a nice bookend for the last days of summer, and would prepare me for a new, brisk fall season in Austin. As with most trips, it had an assortment of shared...
Read MorePinwheel vs. hurricane (aka, dealing with overwhelming stress)
Sometimes, no matter how much you plan or how hard you try, you get caught in a downpour of feelings. You feel like a pinwheel in a hurricane. What do we do when life hands us more than we feel we can hold? How can we handle overwhelming stress? Here are a few ideas. Before the storm As with any storm, we are best prepared to meet it if we have a plan in place. So, before things get bad, it helps to check some stuff. Secure your base. What’s your support system look like? Do you have a couple of people you can call for help if you needed? It helps to have some people who will help center and ground you by offering practical support or kindness when things get...
Read MoreForgive yourself
Sometimes when people come to see me, they’re looking to get past a bad thing someone did to them a long time ago. Or, they may still be struggling with a fresh hurt that they just want to put to bed. “Can you teach me how to let it go?” they ask. That depends. Has the hurt been tended to yet? And, have you forgiven yourself? Band aids Forgiveness is like a band aid. It’s something that comes to assist the healing process, after most of the other feelings have ebbed away. It’s a signal that healing is in process. So many people I know want to force the issue. They see forgiveness as the end—a convenient bookmark that will safeguard any heart...
Read MoreTen painful & hidden costs of people-pleasing
Helping others, giving selflessly, staying tuned into the feelings of others—what’s so bad about that? There are many hidden costs of people-pleasing that most people overlook. In fact, the costs of people-pleasing can be very steep. In small doses, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to please important people in your life. It can be a great kindness to share your time, resources and energy on someone you care about. The trouble comes when these riches get squandered on anyone who asks, leaving little left over for you. People-pleasing spells trouble when it feels less like a choice and more like a compulsion or obligation. A rose by any other name… The fact...
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