How’s your filter?

No, not your car’s air filter. And not the ones in your A/C at home.

I’m talking about your mental filter.

Every piece of information we receive makes its way through some sort of a filter.  Many of us have several filters.  Some of them can be quite cruel and even damaging.

So, just like we check our car’s oil and air filter every couple thousand of miles, let’s arrange for a quick mental filter check of our own.

Read on to see if you’ve got any of these particular models installed; if so, we should arrange for a repair or a replacement right away.

If we do a good job, I think it will be one of the best repairs you ever make.

Three culprits

The critic.

What she sounds like: 

“You’ll never amount to anything”

“What the @#$%^ did you do that for?”

“Don’t get too big for your britches.”

Sadly, this is a very common filter.  If you finish three chapters of your book, she wants to know why it wasn’t four.  If you get up the courage to successfully ask for a raise, she wants to know why it took you so long.

Nothing is ever good enough for the critic.

The doubtful one.

What he sounds like:

“You don’t belong.”

“It will never work.”

“Are you sure about that?”

This one wants to get in your way.

He wants you to stop taking risks and stick to the easy path.

You probably have this filter if, as soon as you come up with an idea, you’ve also come up with four reasons why it won’t work.

The doubtful one wants you to go back to the drawing board and stay there while it crosses out all your ideas.  For your own good, of course.

The black hole. 

What she sounds like:

“What’s the use?”

“Nothing you do matters.”

“It will never get better.”

This filter is truly terrible, because it dismantles all hope you might have for your situation.

It’s a set of bleak blinders that feels every moment will be as bad as this one is right now.  It takes a skilled, helpful, smart person and makes them feel utterly useless and powerless.

The black hole just wants you to stop trying.  It will disappear any positive glimmers in your life and forces you to watch the world through storm-colored glasses.

A small fix (for now)

If you realize you have one of these old filters installed, take heart.  They can be changed.  What I’m offering here is a handful of ideas to help you get better acquainted with the make and model of your particular filter.

1.)    Notice.  This is the most important step.  Filters are passive fixtures that stay in place all the time.  So you have to pay close attention to notice what they’re up to.  Tune in and notice what sorts of automatic thoughts, criticisms, and yes-but statements show up.

2.)    Invite in.  People look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them to roll out the red carpet for these thoughts, these pieces of ourselves.  But it’s true that you can learn a lot when you invite these pieces in.  They usually show up because they feel something high-stakes is going on.  And, ironically, they’re often looking to protect you.  A good conversation starter is simply, “Why are you showing up now?”

3.)    Listen.  By all means, don’t buy the message these pieces are bringing.  Just because you listen doesn’t mean you give into or accept it.  It’s a bit like taking a distressed child by the hand and compassionately asking them what’s wrong.  Even if they just kick and scream, you can still sit quietly by and wait for it to pass.  Having this degree of removal will help you clean your filter—you’ll get to keep whatever pieces are useful (“I’m scared of failing”) and toss out the rest (“I’m a failure”).

I’d suggest, though, if you haven’t changed filters in a while, that you may want to seek out 1 on 1 help to get some relief.

Cleaning your filter

Imagine if we could check and change our mental filters as easily as we check them in household appliances and cars!  If only it were so easy.  But even if it takes work, it is worth it.  Filters in cars and A/C units help us breathe better.  They clean the air and keep us healthy.  Mental filters are no different.  If we aren’t careful, we can accumulate all sorts of garbage in ours, making it hard to breathe and live freely.

I won’t lie, though.  Dismantling and replacing mental filters takes work.  You can opt to work on it alone, or you can seek out a therapist.

If you’re looking for a therapist in Austin to begin this important work, I hope you’ll send me an email.  If I’m not a good fit for you, I will gladly help you find someone who is.

In the meantime, best of luck cleaning your filters!