Last week, we talked about some our worst online habits and how these gestures can eat up our time and our peace of mind.

We ruminate and worry.  We get involved in hopeless conversations, trying to change someone else’s mind.  We pick fights.

What is happening in these exchanges?  Why do we resort to and/or tolerate this kind of meanness?  And most importantly:  how can we shield ourselves from it?

Why are we so mean?

The internet is a strangely accommodating place.  It is like a big playground with sparse signage, so you need to navigate with care.

You can easily find camps of people who will affirm your choices and values.  And you can just as easily stumble into an “enemy” camp comprised of folks who do things that disgust, enrage, or frighten you.

When you combine anonymity with a lack of accountability and you have a recipe both for disasters and incredible acts of goodness.

Online, we say things to strangers under guise of anonymity that we would never say to a person’s face.  There’s a lack of accountability.  It’s so common there’s even a term for it—the online disinhibition effect.

Stomping sandcastles

Inside all of us there an angry five-year-old that wants to stomp on someone else’s sandcastle.

Depending on how we were raised and what our current life situation is, we may or may not have the skill and resources needed to wrangle these impulses when we get mad.

That’s where the internet comes in.  But first, let me tell you a story about the anger “hot potato” that happens in families.

A man goes to work and gets yelled at by his boss unfairly.  He goes home, shamed and angry, and takes it out on his wife.  His wife then scolds and shames the oldest sibling, who then picks on the younger sibling, who kicks the dog.

This is an example of “displacement”—that is, the unconscious practice of unloading charged feelings onto “safer” targets.  You may also know it as the adage “#%$^ rolls downhill.”

In this new age of technology, I think we have to add another escape valve into this family system.  The poor dog may still get his fair share of kicks.  But, any one of these peeved family members may take a bunch of undigested frustration about work or life and throw it into one of your favorite online forums or in the comments section on your blog.  And suddenly you’re grappling with the anger of a stranger halfway around the world… and if you’re not careful, that anger will conduct itself through you and into your offline life.

So now that we’ve sorted through some of the ways we dump or get dumped on online, let’s talk about ways to clean up our act.

3 tips for better internet hygiene

Be conscious.  What’s the best antidote to displacement?  Know thyself.  Take responsibility for your own feelings—if needed, ask for help with them instead of unfairly dumping them on others.

Most of this kind of coping is unconscious—something that we do without being aware of it.

So hold yourself accountable and gently help others do the same.  Don’t let yourself become someone else’s garbage disposal.  If you’re wanting to dive in and do battle with someone else’s unfinished emotional business, ask yourself why.

There’s a reason for the saying “Don’t feed the trolls.”

And it goes without saying, but don’t be a troll, either.

Don’t stand at the bottom of the hill.  Where do you spend your time online?  Sometimes I will find myself six comments into a thread and realize that it’s headed somewhere bad.  Or I see that I’m reading about something distressing that adds no value or knowledge to my life.

That’s when I start clicking the “back” button in my browser.

I call this “going down the rabbit hole.”  No doubt you have rabbit holes of your own, whether they are political forums or particular websites or maybe even Facebook.

A rabbit hole is not just a place that swallows time—it’s an activity that leaves you feeling worse rather than better at the end of it.

Don’t hold a charge.  If you’ve stumbled into some online conversations and find yourself feeling distressed, have compassion.  We all wander into things unexpectedly.

Simply exit the conversation.  Remaining engaged means that you are continuing to take on other people’s stuff as well as stirring up your own.  Do so at your own peril.

But if you’re still holding a bit of a charge after spending some time online, snuff it out yourself.  Don’t go and kick your dog.  Hug your dog (child) (partner) (self) instead, ok?

Or as one friend suggested when I asked him how he stays sane while spending time online, “I stay sane by getting off the internet and going outside.”

Truer words were never spoken!  But how do you stay sane online?  I would love to hear your tips.