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Live longer, live better: five reasons to take a vacation
Ahh, June: school is out for the children, and the temperatures are climbing day by day. If you don’t have a vacation planned, now is the time to get started. Today, we discuss the virtues of vacations. Given a choice, would you rather spend your work-free days on a pleasant trip somewhere sunny and sandy, or in bed with the covers pulled over your head? I think most of us would prefer the trip out of state to a snotty tissue avalanche on the bed. Here’s some good news: you do have a choice between these options. You have this choice every day. And if your hours off work are heaped together in a single pool, I know you’d rather be using the majority of them for...
Read MoreHappy people go to therapy
I feel sad to think about the people who sit in my waiting room and feel a tiny bit ashamed for being there. There’s a big stigma in our culture about people who go to therapy and mental health in general. For many, the thought goes, “That person is going to therapy? There must be something wrong (with them).” Many of the folks I see are okay with “being in therapy.” They see their weekly hour with me as an opportunity, not a sentence or a testament to weakness. They realize that they’ve secured an important advantage for themselves by carving an hour out of their time and a portion of their budget to take seriously the sorting through process. They want to...
Read MoreTucking yourself in: emotional tending-to that yields a rich life
I never considered geese to be particularly romantic or graceful animals until I read Mary Oliver’s “Wild Geese” for the first time. I find this poem both comforting and inspiring and I want to share it with you along with some impressions I have about it. You will find the poem at the end of this entry. Each time I read this poem, it feels a bit like unwrapping a lovely gift—the pleasure of discovery undiluted by repetition. Good poems are like that—each bite of words tastes as good as the very first. The fact is, when life feels out of control, we want to seize upon anything we can to feel stable and certain once more. People exhort us to take perspective, to...
Read MoreFive ways to tell if your therapy is effective
There comes a time in every relationship when the people involved check in to make sure the relationship is still mutually beneficial. Therapy is no different. Today, we’ll be talking about how to tell if your therapy is working for you. Perhaps you’ve been sitting across from your therapist for many months now. You have a favorite side of the couch, and you can find the tissue box without looking for it. You’ve made a careful study of the rug during more difficult sessions so that you know the worn spots and the scrolling designs by heart. It feels comfortable in the room. If you are in therapy, I hope you’ve had at least one or two episodes of wondering about...
Read MoreAn ode to everyday moms
Everyday moms, I love you. Each of you is a wonder and a force of nature. Like the rest of us, you daily manage a busy life. You move through the world running errands and managing to-do lists, getting stuck in traffic and getting put on hold to bad music when calling the pharmacy. But, you have a beautiful secret. Unbeknownst to the folks standing in line behind you at the store, you have a cadre of skills and talents that only everyday moms (and dads) possess. You are the purveyor of sandwiches with crisply trimmed crusts, carrying a mental calendar populated with doctor and dentist appointments, birthdays, lists of food allergies, CPR protocols, and your child’s...
Read MoreFive tips to gracefully embrace your inner k(no)w
During the past two weeks, we have been talking about no-phobia, that is, the fear of setting limits and practicing assertiveness. This week, we will talk about why it can be such a challenge to do this and I’ll offer you some tips on how to try some no on for size. The fact is, saying no can feel and be risky. We talked some last week about why this is the case. In the case of chronic no-phobia, some long-term relationships may be built around one person’s persistent agreeableness and accommodation of the other’s agenda. Saying no could make big waves in that relationship. In some instances, people find it hard to say no because they are confused. They are out of...
Read More“You can’t make me!!” Toddlers & the wisdom of no
Do you know anyone who is good at saying no in your life? A particularly outspoken or assertive friend may come to mind. Or, perhaps you thought of a two year child. Today, we will be talking about the origins of learning to say no, and where things may have gone wrong as we tried to appropriate this tool into our interpersonal arsenal. At age two, toddlers are busily trying on egos. They are beginning to develop a sense of self and can recognize themselves in the mirror. Newly mobile and increasingly verbal, they have opinions about everything and seem to delight in saying no to anyone and everyone simply because they can. A toddler’s newfound love of no is...
Read MoreNo is not a four letter word
Lots of people who see me in therapy treat “no” like a four letter word. Many people feel guilty when they say no. They think it makes them selfish or rude to set limits with others. They worry that they may hurt feelings, or they will not be liked. Worse still, they may fear being abandoned by the people they love if they put their foot down about something. This makes me sad. These folks are suffering from something I call “no-phobia”—that is, the fear of saying no. (To be clear, this is not an actual diagnosis or anything– just a handy term I coined to describe something I see often in my practice.) You may have heard of them by other names,...
Read MoreHow to find the best therapist in Austin
Maybe you came in because someone else recommended that you meet her. Or, perhaps you found him online first and wanted to see how it would go in person. Sound like the makings of a blind date? Actually, it looks a lot like how therapy starts for most people. However it happened, you’re now sitting on the edge of a couch that wants to engulf you and trying to figure out in a 20 minute visit if you want to pour your heart out to this particular stranger. The fact is, the initial visit with a potential therapist can be a pretty anxious moment for a lot of us. We worry about being judged. We don’t know if we can be helped (but we’re hopeful). We feel full of...
Read MoreYour shoes and your shrink: the importance of fit
Pop quiz time. How is a therapist like a pair of shoes? Either you’re scratching your head by now and wondering how you ended up on this blog or you’re generating a dozen different theories about this comparison. I’ll go ahead and fill the blank in on this one, but I’d be curious to hear what else you came up with… so feel free to share. My answer: If they don’t fit well, you’ll be standing in the exchange line pretty soon. If you are considering therapy for the first time and you’re someone who likes to do her homework, you have probably encountered the topic of “fit” in other articles that talk about selecting a therapist. (If you haven’t...
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Clearing the Cobwebs: ESC How-to’s
Over the past month, we’ve talked a bit the practice of emotional spring cleaning and some signs that you might want to try it out, but we haven’t really defined what one actually looks like. This is partly because everyone’s process will be a bit different. The most effective explorations are the ones done on your own time and in the language and method that makes the most sense to you. For ease, I’ve laid these ideas out in an order that could guide you through the process, but I encourage you see this post as a bank of suggestions rather than a how-to or recipe. As with all the content posted here, I invite you to use this in whatever way it serves you...
Read MoreFour More Telltale Signs You Need an ESC
An emotional spring cleaning can be like a deep cleanse for the psyche. By taking inventory of what has accumulated over the past few seasons, we invite ourselves to more conscious, healthful living. Here are four more signs that might suggest you could benefit from reclaiming a mental closet or two. 1.) Your peanut gallery. Each of us has a running inner monologue in our heads that is populated by voices of critics and supporters from our past and current life. These folks tend to offer a running commentary on our comings and goings throughout the day. Some of these comments may be gentle or neutral, others critical or sharp. Have you listened to your...
Read MoreTop Five Signs You’re Overdue for an ESC
Last time, I shared a little bit about what an emotional spring cleaning is and why it could be useful. Before you consider your strategy for your internal revitalization, you might want to check the level of your inner clutter. Your strategies will vary depending on your priorities and the size of the stuff you’re looking to clear out. So, if you’re wondering about whether you’re due for an emotional spring cleaning, I’ve listed the top five warning signs that your internal world needs some refreshing and decluttering. 1.) Your dream life. Parts of your mind that are kept quiet during the day having an interesting way of grabbing the megaphone at...
Read MoreEmotional Spring Cleaning (aka ESC)
It’s that time of year—the season when you survey the accumulation of dust bunnies and coats in your closet and wonder how you can possibly make room for all your springtime clothes. Some of us look forward to this seasonal rite of passage with pleasure while others of us dread the process wholeheartedly. And, while some of us carefully prioritize the ritual of spring cleaning in our homes, relatively few of us take time to note what is happening inside our hearts with such regularity. I propose that we each periodically take similar stock of our emotional lives in a process commonly known as emotional spring cleaning. This practice, I believe, is a key part of...
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