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Trauma’s identity crisis
Last week, I discussed one of the main errors we make when responding to others in crisis—the tendency to minimize or offer “silver-lining” solutions before the grieving process has completed. Today, I’d like to talk more about what has contributed to trauma’s “identity crisis” in the public nomenclature. I will explore how therapists and other mental health professionals have confused the picture a bit with their own lingo. I also talk some about the difficulty inherent in defining a deeply personal, subjective experience in clinical terms. Let’s start with the easiest culprit that has brought about this identity crisis. The problem of hyperbole The...
Read MoreThe circumference of awfulness
Trauma. We have an interesting relationship with this concept. For most, it conjures to mind a disaster of epic proportions, like the events of 9/11, the tsunami in Japan this past spring that claimed nearly 16,000 lives, or the wildfires in Bastrop, Texas that destroyed over 1,600 homes and charred more than 34,000 acres. Even as I type this, I feel a bit strange having those three incidents listed in the same sentence. This speaks to the problem I want to write about today—how we often struggle to respond effectively and with compassion to the grief that follows trauma and loss, and the dilemma of having a catch-all term to describe multiple, deeply personal...
Read MoreMore apples for you
Last week, we talked about the value of preserving 15 minutes a day for some sort of loving self-care. This is based on the premise of a little effort and self-kindness now yields big rewards and protections against stress down the line. So, instead of an apple a day keeps the doctor away, we can think instead of emotional “apples” in the form of kindness, self-care, and stress management, and trade therapists or crisis or burnout for doctors. (Truth be told, stress has a funny way of talking through our bodies, too, so these practices may indeed spare you from frequent doctor’s visits, as well.) With all that in mind, I’d like to offer a few more tips and...
Read MoreWhat’s your daily apple? Or, the value of 15 loving minutes
A stitch in time saves nine. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. I’m sure you’re familiar with most of these phrases. They’re fun and catchy, and unfortunately, sometimes they’re used as “I told you so” admonishments after something has gone wrong. Don’t worry—no scolding here, folks. There’s something useful in those three phrases, so let’s unpack them a bit more. We’ve heard these adages so much that they’ve perhaps lost their meaning. When you look at them more closely, you’ll see that they are an invitation to thoughtful, healthy living. Let’s decode these together: A stitch in time saves...
Read MoreBack to school: what’s in your backpack?
With the end of summer and the advent of fall upon us, everyone is returning to their regularly scheduled programming of living and learning. People are affixing photos of their summer trips in albums and on their computer desktops. Luggage is stowed in storage, traded for briefcases and backpacks. Parents are unearthing lunchboxes from the top pantry shelf. Children are trudging to school with backpacks brimming with fresh school supplies. The beginning of school represented an excited and anxious time for many of us growing up. Meeting a new teacher, new students, and a new classroom could feel both daunting and promising. There were also some unique pleasures to the...
Read MoreBanishing the to-do list: 7 steps to become a master delegator
The end of summer is a busy time of year. If you haven’t yet embraced the handy practice of delegation and outsourcing, you are doing yourself a disservice. This could be as simple as asking for help from a friend, family member, or colleague, or hiring someone to provide a paid service. Here’s your thought for the day— “Life is short: outsource your hassles.” When people balk at the idea of paying someone else to do something that they can do, I encourage them to think about the value of their time. There are a few ways to do this. Some people find it easiest to think about their hourly wage when they think about what an hour means to them. Although this is...
Read MoreQuit trying to manage me! Six things to know about therapy and managed care
For many people, managed care (aka, insurance) makes therapy affordable. And, if you are on a tight budget, finding a therapist on your insurance plan could be the right option for you. Before you print out that list of approved providers, though, you should stop and consider first what it means to have your insurance company foot part of your bill for therapy. Here are the top six things to consider before making a decision: 1.) Using insurance does not necessarily mean your therapy will be inexpensive The fact is, therapy is a deep investment in yourself that requires time, money, and emotional energy. This is true whether you pay for therapy out of pocket or through...
Read MoreThe low days: just feeling blue or something more?
The low days. You know the kind—the ones when you just want to huddle under the covers and escape the world. You don’t want to be bothered by anything or anyone. You feel listless, maybe a bit tearful or irritable or hopeless. Everyone has been caught in the grip of the low days from time to time. In small doses, this is perfectly normal and a part of what it means to be human. Sometimes, bad things happen and we struggle with them. Sometimes, we just feel a bit blue for no apparent reason. But, if you find yourself waking up on the wrong side of the bed most of the time, it could be a sign of something more. The signs and symptoms of depression are varied. According...
Read MoreSeven qualities to take with you into your therapy
There are some key provisions you should take with you on your therapy journey. I’m not talking about stockpiling extra tissues for a tough session or bringing a cup of tea from the waiting room to the couch, though you’re welcome to do that, of course! I’m talking about recruiting certain values and qualities of character that you may not even remember you have. These traits can help you make the most of therapy and get the relief and results you’re seeking. As I’ve talked about in previous posts, the importance of fit between client and therapist cannot be overstated. Your therapist is one of your best resources for the journey. But, this article...
Read MoreLoving out loud
I think one of the reasons that people love dogs so much is how they greet you at the door when you come home. It’s hard not to feel like an occasion, like someone special, when you’re met on the front steps with unabashed love and enthusiasm. “I missed you!!” the wagging tail says. “We need time together, now!” Same thing goes for cats—some will sit at a door after their owner has left and meow persistently—really, it sounds a lot like crying—until they return. (This can be a bit annoying if you’re in the cat’s company while this is happening, but the sentiment is sweet.) You may have noticed that young children can be incredibly gifted at...
Read MoreAn open letter to the chameleons
I see you. Hey—it’s ok. I know all about our ways. I’m a recovering chameleon myself. I get it. I know how good you are at mapping out others’ interests, stories, and personalities so that you can blend in pleasingly with just about any group. I’ve seen what an engaging conversationalist you can be. I know you’re a supremely good listener. I know how rewarding it can feel to get all of that glowing, admiring feedback from others about what a good person, friend, wife, mother, or sister you are. I also know how tired you are and how much you long to be seen in your own skin, in your own right. I remember how it felt to get lost in a role or feel disappeared...
Read MoreAn account of a successful therapy
Sometimes when I am sitting with someone in therapy, it feels as if she has been locked in a cold, dark room for a long time. She feels a profound sense of disconnect with herself and the world. She is emotionally hungry. This cold room offers no method to measure the passage of time, but she nonetheless has a vague sense that something is slipping away. She wants out. Everyone has “rooms” like that they wish to escape– dead-end habits, painful memories, or hurtful thoughts that will not stay banished. My job as a therapist is to join you in that room, to listen to your words and plot a course through that darkness to find you. As I learn more about...
Read MoreThe creative cloudburst—7 traditions for growing your creativity
This is for anyone who has ever dreaded the solace of the writing desk or studio. It’s true that creativity can ignite an ordinary life. But when you’re starved for ideas, all that rich, creative possibility can feel quite remote. For those of us who make a living in art, the creative process can feel anything but beautiful at times. And for those of us who dabble or create for our own pleasure, we can sometimes feel stalled by a lack of deadlines or vision. And there are still more complications. This busy and enterprising world we live in does not always understand or protect the creative process. At worst, it dismisses it as childish or self-indulgent. Guilt...
Read MoreTop ten ways to get the most out of your therapy hour
Let’s say you’ve decided to take the plunge and you’ve scheduled an appointment with a therapist. Or, perhaps you’re already in therapy and looking for more ideas about how to make the most of your treatment. Either way, this article is for you. The first step to having an effective therapy is choosing a therapist with whom you feel comfortable and safe. I’ve written about that here. For the purposes of this article, I’m assuming you’ve already found a therapist and now want to know how you can take advantage of all that therapy has to offer. If you attend therapy once weekly, those four therapy hours hold a big responsibility for helping you cope with or...
Read MoreLove your lunch, love yourself: midday mental health rituals
Today, I make a case for the hour-long lunch. I know, I know. It may seem a far-fetched idea. Bear with me. Midday mental health rituals are not just for the self-employed and otherwise privileged. At work, many of us are pressured to eat at our desks in front of our computers. Others of us eat on the run in the car between errands. If you can manage to get away from the office and go for lunch with colleagues, you may find yourself taking your meal with a heaping helping of work talk. In our worst moments, we may skip a mealtime altogether in a haphazard effort at efficiency and then struggle to apply our starved brains and bodies to an afternoon full of...
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