Five tips to gracefully embrace your inner k(no)w

During the past two weeks, we have been talking about no-phobia, that is, the fear of setting limits and practicing assertiveness. This week, we will talk about why it can be such a challenge to do this and I’ll offer you some tips on how to try some no on for size.

The fact is, saying no can feel and be risky. We talked some last week about why this is the case. In the case of chronic no-phobia, some long-term relationships may be built around one person’s persistent agreeableness and accommodation of the other’s agenda. Saying no could make big waves in that relationship.

In some instances, people find it hard to say no because they are confused. They are out of touch with their own feelings, preferences, and boundaries. They’ve lost sight of their borders and have become mixed up in the agendas and criteria of others. Persistent statements like “Whatever you want to do” or “What would make you happy?” are hallmark comments of people who have lost touch with their inner k(no)w. Over time, people suffering from no-phobia become burned out, depleted and resentful, and they are usually buried under other people’s work.

Before I offer some ideas on how to gently practice the skill of no, I need you to think a little bit about what you k(no)w about yourself.

Think about it: in order to say no to something or someone, you have to have a sense of your preferences and opinions. You need to know what matters to you, what feels ok and doesn’t feel ok. There’s no point in setting limits or putting your foot down about something if you don’t give a fig about it.

So, here’s the problem: some people have become so adept at disappearing themselves or blending in with others that they’ve lost touch with their inner desires. This problem is at the heart of no-phobia.

If you haven’t got a clue about where to start, take a moment to think about what makes you mad. If you’re angry about something, that’s a sign that there is a boundary, a priority, or a value hidden somewhere in there.

Unless you want to be eating resentment seven days a week for breakfast, you have to get a little more comfortable with saying no. Here are five tips to make it sting a little less.

1.) Know thyself. Establish what matters to you. If you’re in touch with your anger, use that as a guide to establish a hierarchy of priorities that matter to you.
2.) Calculate risks. Pick something low on the hierarchy list. If you’re not used to practicing no, you’ll want to start with a small battle—something low stakes. This will help you build confidence over time.
3.) Identify opportunities. Imagine your week. Where will people challenge you or pressure you around this point or matter that you have chosen? Where do you have opportunities to firmly and gently decline?
4.) Follow through. Experiment with saying no to these small things. Be prepared for push back in some cases.
5.) Reward yourself. This is a valuable and challenging skill to cultivate, and it takes bravery to practice it.

If, after reading this, you’re still wondering whether it’s worth challenging your no-phobia, consider this: the biggest gift and risk of stepping outside of no-phobia is the gesture of opening yourself up to love without an agreement of barter. Let me explain what I mean.

By giving people the opportunity to persist in loving you even when you say no, disagree, or argue, you can feel really safe and loved inside a relationship. However, if you insist on trying to be the wife, mom, friend, or employee of the year all the time, every day, you’ll never get to know if all those people in your life were in love with you or in love with what you could do for them.

And yes, you may have some folks jump ship when they realize that you’re operating under a new set of rules and embracing the wonder of no. But, with a little bit of work, I think you’ll find their absence supplanted by the presence of warm and loving folks who love you for who you are and not what you do for them.

In essence, abandoning your no-phobia will enrich your relationships tenfold. It will also help you root out one-way relationships in your life that aren’t offering you much.

If you are reading this and realize that you live with or love a no-phobic, you can give them a great gift. Let them practice no on you. Let them try setting limits, and show them how your heart can brim with love for them even if they disagree or are disagreeable.

Still need some compelling reasons to try embracing no? Consider these three:

1.) Saying no is a wonderful immunization against resentment
2.) Saying no will undoubtedly give you more free time
3.) Saying no will lead to others giving you more respect in the long run

Planning to embrace your inner k(no)w? Let me know how it goes.

Can you think of other benefits to saying no?