Happy people go to therapy

I feel sad to think about the people who sit in my waiting room and feel a tiny bit ashamed for being there. There’s a big stigma in our culture about people who go to therapy and mental health in general. For many, the thought goes, “That person is going to therapy? There must be something wrong (with them).”

Many of the folks I see are okay with “being in therapy.” They see their weekly hour with me as an opportunity, not a sentence or a testament to weakness. They realize that they’ve secured an important advantage for themselves by carving an hour out of their time and a portion of their budget to take seriously the sorting through process. They want to optimize their lives. They appreciate the chance to celebrate their victories and tinker with what’s not working in their day to day.

For whatever reason, these folks do not buy into the unforgiving perception about what it means to be in therapy. They may have earned this by being in therapy themselves for a while, or they may know therapists or folks who’ve been in therapy. Perhaps they’re just self-assured and comfortable with asking for help in whatever domain of their life that needs tending. Either way, I’m awfully proud of them.

I’m writing about this today because the “therapy is for folks who have major problems” belief is deeply troubling to me, both because it’s not based on the facts and also because I think this belief can deter folks from seeking therapy who could otherwise benefit from it.

Newsflash: You don’t have to be in crisis or have a mental illness to come to therapy.

It is certainly true that people frequently come to therapy when something has gone really wrong in their lives. Perhaps they are recovering from a contentious divorce or a devastating childhood trauma. Maybe they have been diagnosed with a mental illness and they want support and assistance in living fulfilling lives that attend responsibly to these realities. The therapy hour can provide a safe and sheltered haven to do this crucial healing work. And, these folks are pretty brave to take charge and decide to tackle these problems head on.

Our inner critics might judge or wonder about someone upon learning that they are in therapy—but how many times have we stood on the sidelines, watching someone suffer (or cause others suffering) and thought, “You know, they really should get a handle on that. That’s a problem.” To come into therapy and seek help is both brave and responsible.

But, there are many people whose lives are moving along at a pretty good speed. They are not in crisis. But, they’re wanting to fine tune a few things. They might want the perspective of a professional on why they do something that they do. Life is generally ok, but there’s one thing that’s troubling them or they’re feeling stuck.

That’s a perfectly good reason to seek out a therapist. You’re actually in a great position to take full advantage of therapy because you and your therapist won’t need to spend time putting out any fires, so to speak, and get right to the heart of things: talking about what could be better in your life, and how to make it so.

Well, why not sort it out on your own if things are going ok? Why not buy a self-help book? And, that’s a great idea. Many people do just that. But some folks want to collaborate with a specialist. Others use therapy as a built-in promise for weekly self-care. For many, therapy can be a real delight and a true gift to oneself—having someone’s undivided attention for an hour each week. That’s a rare commodity in today’s humming, buzzing world.

And, if you’re really struggling with something, why wouldn’t you seek out some help? That’s a topic for another day. I will say, though, that your private struggle with something is just that—private. No one will know that you toughed it out on your own. There are many times in life when the virtue of problem-solving or achieving or overcoming by oneself is an admirable thing. But, no one is handing out gold stars for suffering in silence. Poets may write about it, and lyrics may glorify it, but the real cost is each unhappy day that goes by. Those days are precious currency, and wouldn’t you rather they be happy ones?

I hope you would come into my office with your head held high, saying, “Hey, this thing is happening in my life that isn’t working for me. Ann, can you help me with this?” rather than approaching me with an air of shame or defeat, a “I-tried-everything-I-could-before-resorting-to-this” look on your face.

Let’s be clear: it’s ok if you come in feeling defeated or burned out.

I know how hard it is to ask for help, and I know how great the pressure can be, both internal and external, to fix it on your own.

However you arrive, my door is open to you.