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What to do with the stuff you’ve outgrown
It’s getting cramped in here. This schedule feels joyless. Monotonous. Routine. That friendship. Feels heavy and hollow. Like an obligation. Or maybe you’ve given that old habit a hard look. And you’ve realized that it costs more than it gives. We’ve all felt the shoe-too-tight-pinch before. We’ve all wondered: have I outgrown this? Now if you’ve been reading this for a while, you know I’ve written plant-y metaphors before, about + watering your weeds + three kindnesses + trimming your life Etc etc. I can’t help it—I love plants. But I think I can wring one more idea out of this metaphor. Trapped In early July, I moved into a new office space. So,...
Read MoreYou get what you (think you) deserve
Generally speaking, people do not get what they deserve. Think about it. I’m sure you know someone who works their butt off for praise or pay that never comes. (Hopefully this person isn’t you.) And you can probably think of the opposite. You know the type. It’s that guy who stretches out an open hand and pulls back in a fistful of good fortune at every turn. What’s going on here? The secret ingredient We get all kinds of messages in this culture about the value of hard work. And that’s fine. Hard work has its place. Reward requires risk. Etc etc. But many of us miss a crucial detail in this equation. We hurtle towards tasks with hasty resolve. Or we...
Read MoreHow to have healthy fights
Sometimes we get into fights with people we love. Hopefully, we fight fair most of the time. We do our best to use “I” statements. We try to understand the other person’s perspective. We avoid blaming or attacking the other person. But sometimes things go south really, really fast. And before you know it, you feel like you’re not sitting across from your partner or friend. You’re sitting across from a doppelganger—someone who looks & sounds like your partner but is something altogether different. They’re selfish and mean and rude and do all those things you hate when you two fight. How can you love someone who treats you this way? Today I’ll be...
Read MoreBeing vulnerable will save your life
Many people cringe when I talk about being vulnerable. Well—that’s not a big surprise. The word doesn’t have cheerful connotations for many of us. I’ve been told by friends, clients and colleagues that being vulnerable means being weak. Open to attack. Unable to defend oneself. So when I tell people they should bring more vulnerability into their lives? –they look at me like I’m nuts. But I’m sticking to my party line. Let me tell you why being vulnerable can save your life. But first let me tell you why it’s so hard for some of us to do it. Our first lessons in vulnerability We’ve all had our share of disappointments. Wounds. Heartache. Sometimes,...
Read MoreI missed you!
Hey, you! Welcome back! I’ve got just a quick update for you this week. This is why I haven’t been blogging for the past two months: I’ve spent most of June getting the new office ready for you. The walls have been soundproofed. The doors hung and painted. The furniture hauled in. And now I’m adding the finishing touches. You know, the itty bitty stuff that makes it homey. Knickknacks. Rugs. Plants. Art. And during a Texas summer, it’s crucial to have water handy at all times. This practice is all about you. It’s about helping you take better...
Read MoreIs this thing on? (An announcement)
This month, I’m taking the plunge. Going in head first. Taking that big ol’ leap of faith. You are probably confused. “The plunge? Where?” Or better still: “Into what?” I’ve got a few big projects that need some finishing touches. (You can even help with them, if you want.) But I’ll warn you: they’re big. So big, in fact, that it’s time to press the pause button on this blog for a while. Yup. Time for a break! Time to go away so I can come back later! I’ve been posting weekly to this blog for two years. What could possibly be happening that would be big enough to make me stop for a while? Let me clue you in. New counseling office in South...
Read More10 signs you’re a workaholic
A “workaholic” is someone who works compulsively at the expense of other pursuits. I work a lot with people-pleasers—folks who are anxious to please others. People-pleasers frequently struggle with workaholism because it is a way to get approval from others. It feeds into their belief that they can earn love. So, what does workaholism look like in practice, exactly? Here are a few signs: 1.) Your work takes priority over just about everything else in your life. People close to you complain about how much time you spend working. You may even use work, knowingly or not, as an escape or a buffer against conflict in a relationship, or unhappiness with your...
Read MoreGive yourself a plate of praise
I bet you can throw quite the shindig for the people you love in your life. You can celebrate who they are—no problem. If asked, you can point out five of their best features pretty easily. In essence, your heart is stocked with kindness for your loved ones. Well…it’s time you raided your own pantry. Here’s one more way to get a helping of gratitude in your life. And it’s not about turning your appreciation outward. This is about looking into a mirror for a moment and appreciating who you see there. It’s time to fill up your plates. Get ready. Grab a spoon What did you do well this week? And don’t just look at outcomes, either. (Those are nice, but...
Read MoreCheck your batteries
Batteries are one of those things that you don’t appreciate until they fail you. Here’s a real life example. Yesterday morning, I was in a hurry to get to work. I got into my car, turned the ignition, and got nothing but a sad revving of the engine. It seems my two year old battery gave up the ghost over the weekend. So, I went inside to call AAA and get some help. While on the phone with them, my phone started chirping at me. Just 10% charge remaining. So, while listening to some very bad muzak complete with wailing saxophones, I plugged my phone in while waiting to speak to someone. After I got someone scheduled to come take a look at my car, I hopped on the...
Read MoreThe Boston bombings: As the dust begins to settle
I had plans to write about a different topic today. But this was more important. Today, people are piecing together what happened in Boston. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story, on Monday two bombs detonated near the finish line of the Boston marathon. As of this morning, three people are confirmed dead and more than 140 people have been injured. No one is in custody at the moment, though the police are working hard to locate the person or people responsible. When I heard the news yesterday, I watched as people took a sort of informal roll call on Facebook, trying to discern who was where, were loved ones okay and accounted for, and did anyone see...
Read MoreThe relationship detox
Research shows that recovering from a romantic relationship looks a lot like recovery from addiction. Did you get that? It’s important! Try reading it again: Research shows that recovering from a romantic relationship looks a lot like recovery from addiction. Relationships are powerful stuff. They propel our brain in amazing ways. And you may know all too well how good it can feel when things are fine, and how terrible it is when things are not. The brain and heart go through something that looks a lot like withdrawal after a break up. So it comes as no surprise that walking away from a relationship can be one of the hardest things you ever do. But if once...
Read MoreQuit letting your life boss you around
This post tried to boss me around a bit. It was subtle at first. I started thinking about what to write last Saturday. I sat with my computer in my lap. I had a bit of anxiety that was I spending precious leisure time on Saturday trying to fit some work in. I wasted some time online doing “research” about possible post topics. But the words didn’t come. Sunday, it was the same. I knew I had a very full day on Monday that wouldn’t afford me time to write. I wanted to do myself a favor. I wanted to give myself a break and write ahead of schedule. But the words wouldn’t come. I couldn’t even come up with a topic to write about. Here it is, Tuesday morning,...
Read MoreAre you watering your weeds?
I hope you’ll forgive me. I am typing with a bum finger today. So please excuse the typos! You may be wondering how I earned my injury. I was doing battle with a patch of unwelcome ivy in the backyard and ended up scraping a knuckle on the concrete. Nothing serious. But it got me thinking about today’s post. It got me thinking about the weeds I’ve been watering. And I wanted to see if you’ve been watering some weeds, too. From growth to growths Growth. It’s a nice, hopeful image. I think of change and pretty green things aiming for sun. But when does growth become growths? You know, those things that crop up unexpectedly in your life, uninvited? That’s...
Read MoreThe magic of asking
Are you walking around with a grumbly tummy? Many of us feel unfulfilled. We long. We hunger. Our tummies grumble. Most times, we know what we need. We hear the honest whispers in our heads. But something gets in the way. Something stops us from asking. Why do we do this? Why don’t we ask for what we want? Scary Naked Needs It can be scary to put yourself out there. Being unabashed is vulnerable. It’s a bit like being naked. I mean, if you really want something and you let that be known, you can’t hide behind the safety of indifference. You can’t play it cool. It’s pretty much impossible to run madly towards something and also be saying, “Yeah, well, if it...
Read MoreThe surprising burden
Do you suffer from the burden of competence? You may know it by a different name. It’s the problem you get when you are good at things, and other people know it. You get nominated for stuff a lot. And let’s face it, you volunteer yourself, too. You do it simply because you know you’ll get it done, more quickly and better, than someone else. Sometimes you do things so well and seamlessly that people don’t even see the work you’re doing! Sound familiar? People-pleasing and the burden of competence This problem is closely entwined with people-pleasing, actually. Think about it. People-pleasers find their way in the world by tuning into what others need and...
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