Are you walking around with a grumbly tummy?

Many of us feel unfulfilled.

We long.

We hunger.

Our tummies grumble.

Most times, we know what we need.

We hear the honest whispers in our heads.

But something gets in the way.

Something stops us from asking.

Why do we do this?

Why don’t we ask for what we want?

Scary Naked Needs

It can be scary to put yourself out there.

Being unabashed is vulnerable.

This is what being unabashed looks like.

It’s a bit like being naked.

I mean, if you really want something and you let that be known, you can’t hide behind the safety of indifference.

You can’t play it cool.

It’s pretty much impossible to run madly towards something and also be saying,

“Yeah, well, if it doesn’t work out… no biggie.” 

(No one’s going to buy that.)

Saying it like it is takes courage.

Saying what we want requires bravery.

It means we have to show up.

We have to let others know what really matters.

It means we have to be honest with ourselves.

Stuff that Squashes our Asking

It may sound simple, but lots of stuff can get in the way of asking.

1.)     We don’t know what we want.  We can get fixed in place by uncertainty, by possibility.  We may have a hard time getting in touch with our needs.

2.)    We’re afraid (of being rejected, neglected, seen, fulfilled, vulnerable).  We’re afraid of failing.  And maybe we’re afraid of succeeding, too.

3.)    We don’t think we deserve good things.  Some of us wandered through childhood with rumbling tummies—literally and metaphorically.  We learned that we don’t get to be full.

4.)    We’re too tuned in to the needs of others.  This is a serious problem, especially for people pleasers.  You may be great at advocating and asking for others, but terrible at doing this for yourself.

You may have other mental habits or worries that trip you up and keep you from asking.  I’d be curious to hear about those—feel free to share in the comments below.

How to ask for what you want

1.)  Say it out loud.

That’s it.

You don’t have to be graceful about it.  You don’t even have to say it to another person (at first.)

Just get it out there.

And see what other people do with that.

Repeat as needed.

Get curious if someone in your life keeps shutting you down.

Ask another trusted friend for their perspective if you’re worried you’ve asked for too much.

The magic of asking

Go ahead. Help yourself.

This may sound really dumb, but here goes:

When I started asking for stuff, that’s when I started getting it.

It used to be that I would fret and long for things.

I’d wonder why stuff wasn’t happening when I was working so hard.

Then I started to ask for more.

I got skilled in the art of second helpings.

I’d belly up to the buffet of life and grab a plate.  And that plate got full.

Practice makes perfect

Some of us are great at asking for what we need.

And some of us really struggle with asking—especially people-pleasers and other “nice girls” and “nice guys.”

Maybe we didn’t get much practice asking for things when we were growing up.

It doesn’t have to be that way now.

Practice asking for more of what you need.

Experiment with trying to give yourself what you need, when possible.

Be curious about how others respond to your asking—and don’t take their reactions as the final say, necessarily.

The magic of asking is both complex and simple.

But one thing is certain:  it requires safety.

So practice with people who feel safest at first.

If safe folks are few and far between, consider checking in with a therapist to practice this skill.