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Mind reading is not love
“You should already know what I want—I shouldn’t have to ask.” Today’s post is about a particular lie that many of us learned growing up. It’s an especially common lie among women. And among many people raised in the deep south, I suppose. (All that southern hospitality stuff so many of us were raised on.) It’s the idea that mind reading is love. The statements I listed above shed light on a form of hospitality gone mutant: the notion of anticipating needs before they’re even named out loud. Which is all very well and good if you’re offering a houseguest a glass of iced tea. But it doesn’t always stop there. The talent for anticipating needs and...
Read MoreHow to take good care of yourself
As we discussed last week, your most important job is practicing good self-care. After all, if you don’t take good care of yourself, you won’t be of much use to anyone else. So, all the mothers and fathers out there, all the healers and caregivers and healthcare professionals, take heed: regular self-care practice is NOT selfish. Parents & caregivers, it is part of responsible parenting and caregiving. Professionals, it is part of responsible practice. If you’re living a life without these important protections in place, it’s like you’re driving a car with no brakes! Not a good idea. Airplanes supply special stores of oxygen in a crisis. But as we meander...
Read MoreWhy you should practice self-care but don’t
Picture yourself in an airplane. Unless you have a flying phobia, that is. In which case, picture yourself somewhere completely different, somewhere pleasant. But for the rest of you, bring that airplane to mind. You’re sitting in your narrow little seat, with those little grey tray tables that must.be.stowed.and.locked.for.takeoff. And all your portable electronic devices must be turned off and stowed. And in the unlikely event that there is a change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. “Please secure your own oxygen mask before assisting someone else.” That! There. That’s the relevant nugget we’re going to discuss today. Securing your...
Read MoreBoundaries matter. Here’s why.
Back in January, I wrote 10 how-to’s for healthy boundaries. But at the time, I didn’t offer you any kind of definition of boundaries or any explanation about why boundaries matter. So let’s get down to business. What are boundaries? Why do boundaries matter? What are some examples of boundaries in everyday life? What are some signs and symptoms of poor boundaries? Boundaries. Why should you care about ‘em? bound·a·ry ˈbound(ə)rē/ “a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line” Simply put, boundaries are about where you end and the other person begins. Interpersonal boundaries define what is acceptable or can be tolerated in a relationship;...
Read MoreHairballs and wellness
I had a rather rude awakening at 2:05 am last night. (This morning?) I was sleeping peacefully, all was well. And then I heard this weird horking noise. Any of you who happen to own cats know what I’m talking about. That noise. The noise that heralds the swift arrival of a hairball. My sleep-fogged brain rallied as best it could, and I did my best to (gently) jettison the cat off the bed… but it was too late. Hairball. Big ol’ hairball in the middle of the bed. What do hairballs have to do with personal wellness, self-care and people pleasing? I’ll tell you. (It’s not as big a stretch as you might think.) Hairballs and wellness Many times, when people talk...
Read MoreFood as love, food as battle
Growing up, my mom provisioned the kitchen with lots of apples, oranges and bananas. And sometimes there were pears. There was a lot of practicality in those bananas and oranges—nutritious, thick skinned, and able to withstand the inevitable bludgeoning that came with being a part of a sack lunch. But I had a hunger for those softer fruits. The raspberries and strawberries and blueberries. Those were much harder to come by. I’m not sure why we didn’t have as many of those. Maybe they were too expensive. Too soft and perishable for lunchboxes, maybe. It might have been a matter of what was on offer at the grocery store in the middle of a Texas spring. But summer’s...
Read MoreA rather itchy lesson
Are you itchy right now? No? (I’m hoping not.) Appreciate that. The absence of an itch. That’s what poison ivy taught me last week. That, and a few other helpful tips. I’d like to share of those lessons with you. Wonderful lessons, all itch & pain free. Poison ivy lessons I was working in the yard a couple of Fridays ago. I was raking up leaves from what I not-so-affectionately call “the second fall in Austin” – a bunch of overachieving trees in my yard like to drop an extra set of leaves in the spring. So there I was, raking up all these leaves. Pulling up handfuls of lush green spring sprouts. Putting things in their proper place. And it’s all...
Read MoreWhat people pleasers are dying to have
Sometimes people say to me, “Ann, I’m a nice person. I just like to do nice things for others. I’m big on being kind, just because. What’s so bad about that? Am I a people pleaser?” If, from time to time, you do nice things for other people– no strings attached– you aren’t a people pleaser. But before you pat yourself on the back for being so nice, take some time to turn over a few stones with me. You may have some motivations driving you that you aren’t fully aware of. (Most of us do.) People pleasers have strings attached to their niceness. And most of the time, they don’t even realize it. What people pleasers are dying to have What do you...
Read More5 powerful cures for people pleasing
Humans are social animals. (Yes, even the introverts.) What does this mean, exactly? For our ancestors, it meant that if we didn’t bond, didn’t belong, we died. Guilt and shame emerged as ways to keep us in the pack, on the proper path. These “moral” feelings helped us to fit in. Being able to adapt this way was critical to our survival. But among people pleasers, this system is overgrown and out-of-control. Today, I’ll teach you some about how this system is out of whack. I have also included a list of five, basic practices or “cures” that will bring you out of a people pleasing lifestyle and back into alignment with your integrity. A bit about people...
Read MoreShare a mindful minute with me
I read something brilliant over breakfast this morning. It really dressed up my yogurt and toast, it got me thinking. I’d like to share it with you now. I’m still making my way through Thich Nhat Hahn’s book Peace is Every Step. And what did I find in there over breakfast? Something simple and smart— a common turn of phrase turned on its head in a truly delightful way. You know that common saying, “Don’t just sit there, do something ” –? Hahn cleverly encourages us to play with this notion, to step away from the busy-ness that inhabits our lives in all corners. He tells us to do the opposite: Don’t just do something, sit there. Yes. ...
Read MoreAnn’s homemade happy recipe– part three!
We’ve arrived at the third and final part of the homemade happy series. If you’ve been following along, you know we’ve spent the last few weeks laying an important foundation. We started with picking a recipe, a general idea of what we want more of in our life. We identified a couple of principles and key priorities that matter to us. Last week, we took stock of our ingredients. We considered the activities, practices, thoughts and people that would affirm these values and priorities. Today, we talk about how to put it all together, plus some tips for troubleshooting if things are coming out a little half baked. Setting goals Remember those ingredients you came up...
Read MoreAnn’s homemade happy recipe—part two!
First things first: go find a window and look out of it. See if you can locate a tree. If not, find another window. Keep going until you find a tree. Take a long look. It may be different where you live, but right now the trees in Austin are donning their minty green mantles for spring. Everywhere you look, there are beautiful, flowering branches. After such a long, cold winter, it is a welcome sight! And thinking of last week’s talk about priorities and values: one of my values that I’m trying to lean into these days is being mindful and slowing down. So these days, when my mind wants to wander down some fretful, blind alley in my brain, I catch and I send it...
Read MoreAnn’s homemade happy recipe—part one!
I’m not a very good cook—but I don’t let that stop me. I research the heck out of my recipes and then I follow them to the letter. If a recipe calls for a dash of something, I’m usually googling to double check what dash means, just to be sure. I hope that this preamble about my tenuous cooking skills doesn’t frighten you off from today’s post, though. I may not be a whiz in the kitchen, but I know a thing or two about healthy living. My life is one big trial-and-error experiment in that department. And as a therapist, I learn tons of new lessons from my clients, too. Today’s post is about bringing more happiness and contentment into your life. ...
Read MoreThe best cake I ever ate
March is a month of celebration for me. It’s my birthday month. And it’s also Labyrinth Healing’s birthday month. So, I always look forward to enjoying some extra sweets in March, what with all the birthdays. And I do believe I’ve had a bit of a landmark moment this month. I think I encountered the best cake I’ve ever eaten. The best cake You’re no doubt wondering about the recipe for this most delicious cake, but it’s not in any cookbook. In fact, the cake isn’t even the main ingredient. I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s a nice enough cake—good vanilla frosting, not too sweet, and decorated with some nice flowers. But the cake is the backdrop. My...
Read MoreI’m a thief
I’m a thief. Yeah, I know. It’s a shock to me, too. I mean, I know I’m not perfect. I’ve done it before—taken things that weren’t mine. In fact, right now I’m thinking of the handful of jellybeans I pilfered from my 3rd grade teacher’s desk when everyone was out at recess. (Mrs. Bryan, if you’re reading this right now, I’m sorry about those jellybeans.) Anyway. I’m a thief. What did I steal? A fork. Yes, just a fork. A fork from a friend. I was over at her house, having some lunch between appointments. Forgot to bring my fork, so I borrowed one. Stuck it in my sack lunch when I was finished–completely by accident I assure you! This was no...
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