Picture yourself in an airplane.

Unless you have a flying phobia, that is.

In which case, picture yourself somewhere completely different, somewhere pleasant.

But for the rest of you, bring that airplane to mind.

You’re sitting in your narrow little seat, with those little grey tray tables that must.be.stowed.and.locked.for.takeoff.

And all your portable electronic devices must be turned off and stowed.

And in the unlikely event that there is a change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling.

“Please secure your own oxygen mask before assisting someone else.”

That! There. That’s the relevant nugget we’re going to discuss today.

Securing your mask first.

Today we talk about why self-care matters.

Why it’s your most important job.

What gets in the way of doing this most-important-job.

And what happens when you don’t practice self-care.

And next week, once you’ve realized just how important this stuff is, I’ll offer you tons of tips and ideas on how to practice self-care.

Secure your mask first

Secure your mask first.

This is an important axiom, y’all.

It’s about putting yourself first as a matter of survival.

The oxygen mask notion goes like this:

If you’re in a life-threatening situation and you focus on stabilizing the people around you before ensuring your own safety, you’ll end up passing out and putting your wellbeing in the hands of bystanders, possibly even children.

Obviously you’ll be of little help to anyone, because you didn’t take steps to care for yourself first.

This is clearly a bad idea. Even if it seems loving in the moment.

So secure your mask first. This remains true in everyday life just as well as in a destabilized airplane.

You’ve probably heard this message in lots of different language and metaphor:

“Keep your pitcher full.”

“You can’t help others if you don’t first care for yourself.”

“Don’t be the runner up in your own life.”

“You can’t drive anywhere on an empty tank.”

Martyrdom is not love.

Securing your own mask is all about self-care.

It’s all about the day to day things you do to maintain your wellbeing and your sanity.

It’s the habits you cultivate to preserve and protect your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual wellbeing.

Why it’s your job

Unless you are a child, your self-care is up to you. It is your job.

Even if you were raised to always put others first, or to see self-sacrifice as a virtue.

Even if no one ever really taught you how to do these things.

Even if you weren’t the recipient of love you needed and deserved growing up.

Even if you’re super busy and have children of your own.  Especially then.

Some of us were raised to understand that love is self-sacrifice.

Certainly parents and caregivers have their share of sacrifices to make.

They are constantly walking the tightrope of meeting the needs of all the people dependent on them, while also remembering to keep their own needs in mind.

Trouble comes when people end up on the wrong side of that slippery slope of sacrifice and end up mired in martyrdom.

That’s when things get ugly.

Depending on how you were raised, you may need help putting these important self-care practices into place.

You may be deeply skeptical about the value of these skills.

Or you may feel intensely guilty implementing self-care practices.

But it is still your job, your responsibility.

Consider: is it really wise or responsible to put someone in charge of your wellbeing?

No one is going to be as invested in the job as you are, after all.

Ideally, they’ll all be reaching for their own masks and trying to help themselves out before they focus on everyone else. Just like you should be doing.

If everyone did this, if everyone took responsibility for their own well-being and self-care, the world would be a much happier, healthier place.

But don’t worry, you don’t have to fret about everyone else’s part.

Just focus on yours. (Aren’t boundaries wonderful?)

If self-care is such a cure all, why don’t more of us do it? What gets in the way?

What gets in the way of self-care

So. Secure your mask first.

Sounds simple.

We say this is a wise thing to do. A good thing to do.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean we believe it or do it.

We have egos & personal, false myths that keep us from being smart about it.

Our ego says,

“Well, all this business about self-care and masks and oxygen… maybe that’s true for others… but not me!”

It could be a sense of unworthiness, low self-esteem, guilt, perfectionism, workaholism or even pride that get in the way.

Whether it’s because you feel unworthy of your own free time & attention…

Whether you feel that self-care is something that comes after all the to-do’s are finished…

Whether you feel that the needs of others are more important than your own…

Whether you feel guilty because self-care seems selfish, weak, or indulgent…

Whether you harbor the secret belief that you can do more with less & game the system…

Whatever the reason, this much is true:

If you cheat yourself out of self-care, out of this most important form of oxygen, it will catch up with you.

Why?

Because no one can hold their breath forever.

For your inner skeptic

But this term, self-care, may feel awfully fluffy and woo-woo to you.

Like I said, you may be skeptical.

You may be envisioning pedicures and chocolate and expensive trips away. Those are not self-care, not particularly.

Self-care is the stuff that you do to take care of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well being.

It’s the things you do to keep your tank full.

And the opposite of self-care is self-neglect.

Self. Neglect.

Is that really what you deserve? (If you answered yes, I must gently disagree with you.)

What does self-neglect look like?

No one deserves to be neglected.

Basic self-care and compassion, these are fundamental rights, as basic and necessary as oxygen.

And no matter who is in our world and how much they may love us, these gifts must emerge first from within.

Here are some examples of self-neglect that I often see in my practice:

Treating yourself like a robot rather than a person. Eat, work, sleep. Eat, work, sleep.

Zoning out for hours on the internet.

Eating food without really even looking at it or tasting it.

Using food, alcohol, sex, drugs, or other substances to zone out, check out, numb out.

Skipping meals.

Not getting enough sleep.

Not taking sick days when you’re sick.

Not taking vacations or breaks when you’re working.

Not setting appropriate boundaries at work or at home, so you end up buried under other people’s work.

Treating yourself with contempt, giving yourself the minimum amount required in order to keep going.

Being emotionally stingy—shutting down your reactions and shutting out your feelings.

All of this self-neglect costs you big time.

It costs you happiness.

It damages your health.

It impacts your productivity.

Have I convinced you how important self-care is yet?

My little secret

There’s another reason I’m writing all about self-care and oxygen this week.

I’m attending a 5 day self-care retreat for healing professionals. And what’s one of the main principles of the workshop? Breath work.  I’m doing my damnedest to practice what I preach. 

And I’m hoping to bring back plenty of oxygen with me, so I can continue to provide the very best care to my clients that I can.

Won’t you join me?

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, I hope you’ll pause and check.

I hope you’ll check to see that you secure your mask first.

Stay tuned next week for some step-by-step instructions on how to practice self-care in your daily life!

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Two years ago:  Are you pleased with your choices?

Three years ago:  Happy people go to therapy.