I’m not a very good cook—but I don’t let that stop me.

I research the heck out of my recipes and then I follow them to the letter.

If a recipe calls for a dash of something, I’m usually googling to double check what dash means, just to be sure.

I hope that this preamble about my tenuous cooking skills doesn’t frighten you off from today’s post, though.

I may not be a whiz in the kitchen, but I know a thing or two about healthy living.

My life is one big trial-and-error experiment in that department.  And as a therapist, I learn tons of new lessons from my clients, too.

Today’s post is about bringing more happiness and contentment into your life.  It’s about making your very own, homemade sort of happy.

I’ll show you the recipe I’m working from these days, to help get you started.  But your recipe and mine are bound to be different.

So, if you really want to take this seriously, grab a pencil and paper.

We are doing this in parts, and that means that this week we start with the most obvious choice:  what are we going to make?

Picking what to make

If I want a chocolate cake and you want asparagus soup, we had better be working with different recipes.

What are we trying to make?  What do we want more of in our lives?

This comes down to values and priorities.  What matters to us.

What are principles we live by, or want to live by, in the months ahead?

So, I just sat down and jotted out several priorities and values that matter to me right now.

Go ahead, take a peek.

My values and priorities

What matters to me at this point in my life:

1.)  Having fun, the sort of fun & hobbies that “stick to my ribs”– not just the empty-calorie fun of a Netflix binge

2.)  Being mindful more often, showing up to the present moment and enjoying it.

3.)  Slowing down, even if it means I am less productive.  (A part of me hates this one and resists it terribly.)

4.)  Treating my mind, body and heart with respect and compassion– “feeding” myself with good things.

5.)  Maintaining a close bond with loved ones, while also preserving time for solitude.

6.)  Doing meaningful work as a counselor, learning and growing and changing just as my clients do.

7.)  Living with integrity and harmony—as above, so below; as within, so without.

8.)  Saying what I mean.  Being clear and honest in communication and boundaries.

This list took me 5, maybe 10 thoughtful minutes of jotting and refining.

If I took more time, I could come up with more.  But what comes up first is important—it’s on the top of my mind and so should take precedence.

The priorities dance

At first, I resisted the notion that priorities changed.

Surely those core values are defining characteristics, things that are fixed in time and place, right?

But life is an exchange—if we move through it completely untouched, then I think we have failed.

We must let ourselves influence and be influenced by the experiences and relationships we have.  And this means that we must be open to change.

So, while some values may remain quite stable over time, some will change.  If nothing else, certain values may get pushed lower on the list of priorities by sheer necessity.   An example:

A friend of mine posted a status update on Facebook recently, talking about how the first couple of years parenting her youngest child had been an all-consuming task.

She said she was beginning to come up for air, to experiment and play with separation and discovering herself again, after a couple of years of intense bonding, rearing, and merger.

My friend is still in thick of motherhood, but she has begun to grab those handfuls of moments when she can weave together a little time for herself.

As her child becomes more independent and separate, she is able to come up for air again.  So, her priorities are shifting and changing, even though her love for her child remains constant.

This is a perfect example of what I mean.  Perhaps family bonds and connection have always mattered to this friend.  But as she moves through the seasons of her life, her priorities are flexible and adapt.

My old priorities

I can tell you that my priorities from 10 years ago were quite different from the list you read above.

They would have focused more on work, productivity, and accomplishment.

On self-sacrifice and even self-abnegation.  On perfection.

On preparing for a life that would one day arrive, rather than tuning into the life I inhabited every day.

I blame some of these things on the rigors of graduate school and the 60-80 hour work weeks I was routinely putting in at that time.

I was throwing pretty much everything I had at earning my degree—everything else in my life… relationships, hobbies, self-care… those were all just along for the ride.

Looking back, I’m not sure that this all/nothing approach was the only option I had.  But at the time, that was how it felt.

And at 23 years old, I don’t think I had quite the courage or wherewithal to begin carving out new routes.  That started to come later.

There also wouldn’t have been much language in my priority list about boundaries or integrity.

While I valued the notion of interpersonal integrity, I was still too deeply insecure to live from a place of integrity.

I wasn’t clear enough yet on my own needs and why they mattered.

I was too busy trying to be all things to all people.  I was still seeking approval.

As a people-pleaser, I labored under the illusion that I could be liked by everyone and that the way to a happy life was by keeping the peace and avoiding conflict.

The last few years I have been able to move away from that position, bit by bit.

It is why I have centered my practice so much around people-pleasing—it is a role, a war, that I know intimately from the inside.

Your turn

So, what about you?  What are the principles and values that govern your life?

Don’t borrow mine unless they really fit for you.

Please don’t phone it in, or your recipe will suck, seem cookie-cutter, or bore you.  And then you won’t use it, because who wants a boring lunch?

What mattered to you five or ten years ago will probably not matter as much to you now.  So, really give this some effort.

What matters to you now—and why?

Jot down 7-10 values, principles or beliefs that matter most right now.

Let yourself reflect on this list this week.

Then come back next week, when we will begin talking more about ingredients in our recipe, and how we can begin to put them together for our very own homemade happy.  Remember, each post comes out Tuesday morning around 9 CST.

——–

Last year:  What makes a people pleaser?

Two years ago:  Wake up!  It’s (spring)time

Three years ago:  Top 5 signs you’re overdue for an emotional spring cleaning