What people pleasers are dying to have
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Sometimes people say to me,
“Ann, I’m a nice person.
I just like to do nice things for others.
I’m big on being kind, just because.
What’s so bad about that?
Am I a people pleaser?”
If, from time to time, you do nice things for other people– no strings attached– you aren’t a people pleaser.
But before you pat yourself on the back for being so nice, take some time to turn over a few stones with me.
You may have some motivations driving you that you aren’t fully aware of. (Most of us do.)
People pleasers have strings attached to their niceness.
And most of the time, they don’t even realize it.
What people pleasers are dying to have
What do you think people pleasers want?
You might say, “Well, they want to be liked. They want approval.”
And you’d be right.
People pleasers are nice because…
+ They want you to like them.
+ They want you to approve of their choices.
+ They want to avoid conflict with you.
But it goes deeper than that.
Why do they want approval?
Why must they be liked at any cost?
Their niceness is a way of exerting control over relationships.
People pleasers are dying to have control.
If they’re so nice, you can’t get angry at them, right?
They’re so pleasant and helpful, of course you like them.
Of course you are friends! Right?
Really, all the nice things that people pleasers do are designed to control the situation.
Remember when I talked about where people pleasing comes from?
People pleasers are often raised in a certain kind of environment growing up.
Love and care from caregivers is inconsistent.
So, people pleasers learn from early on how to act, how to be pleasing to particular people, so they can secure love.
All this niceness and pleasing behavior is an adaptation to that sort of upbringing.
A sort of “Well, here’s how I can make sure my needs are met” kind of scenario.
When you think about it, this desire for control, it makes a lot of sense.
Niceness that controls
Control? Really?
That’s what people pleasers want?
Yes. People pleasers are trying to control things.
To be fair, just about everybody wants control of their lives.
People pleasers just have a particular way of exerting their control. It’s camouflaged as niceness.
This is why, sometimes, when you’re a people pleaser, people get really mad at you and fed up, even though you’re being so nice!
It’s because, at some level, your “niceness” is not welcome.
Maybe it even feels intrusive.
At some level, people may feel controlled by all of your efforts.
Most people pleasers are not aware of their desire for control.
They usually don’t start their day by saying, “I’ll be extra nice today, as I am every day, in my efforts to control all of my relationships.” Nope.
If you ask people pleasers how they feel about conflict and anger, they’ll agree that they hate those things.
And they’ve probably been called a control freak before, by someone close to them.
But they don’t tend to see themselves as controlling. They’re just nice people! That’s what they’d say.
The people pleaser’s false gift
So, the nice things that people pleasers do aren’t out of the goodness of their hearts. Not really.
And it’s not because the people pleaser doesn’t want to give wholeheartedly and openly. They’d very much like to be able to do that.
The fact is that they can’t be nice and loving in a true way, most of the time. Their gifts and kindnesses are a little bit false, because they are offered up under duress.
This is because people pleasers are operating under the deeply held belief that if they stop being nice, people will stop caring about them.
Or people will become angry and reject them.
Or there will be big, big, conflict.
A gift isn’t really a gift if you force someone to give it.
And so it is with niceness and people pleasers.
And people pleasers feel they must be nice. It’s not really a choice, but more a way of being.
If you’re being nice because you desperately want to be liked, or because you want to avoid conflict, your niceness is sort of muddied by these other agendas, whether or not you realize it.
As always, knowing which changes to make isn’t the hardest part of change. It’s actually doing it, and sustaining those changes over time, in spite of the resistance and backlash that may come.
Helping people pleasers is what I do! So, if you’re in Austin, Texas, and you’re looking for a counselor who helps with people-pleasing, drop me a line. I offer free, half hour consultations in person at the office, and I’d be glad to set one up for you.
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Last year: Check your batteries
Two years ago: Gone fishin’
Three years ago: You can’t make me!!
I wonder why are we afraid to be rejected and not care about? That would be the answer for this control we need to have/ not want to have? I have a feeling that caring for others was the only possible connection we had with someone. I think even i should not be successful so other would ‘ t feel inefrior. Iam angry with all this “caring” for others but I am also very afraid to start living for myself. I think something bad would happen if I go end live my life. There is something deeper and I don’t know what.. But Iam more than ready to stop with my behaviour since I am only doing to avoid anger and conťempt…
Leksie
I have never had anyone express what you just did about not wanting to be successful in case it might make someone feel inferior! This is me! I have 7 siblings and several
who are threatened everytime I lose weight and call me mean names to my face. I have other talents I keep hidden so others won’t say mean things. Have to stop this madness now!
I seen a quote that relates to this perfectly. It said I will not water myself down to make you feel better. I think about this quote often but still struggle enforcing it
Thank you for those thoughts. I am at present dealing with the issue of a controlling friend. She is a sweet gentle, never angry person but I realize she has been controlling me for years with her niceness. I have not been able to understand why I am so angry at her and yet feel guilty at the same time. I actually cut off the friendship several months ago but can not get free of the guilt at doing so. I keep asking how could I be so unkind to such a nice person! She is not aware that she has been controlling me but I realize that she has had a controlling hook that has dug deep into my psyche and wants to suck me back to that relationship. I need to cut that off and will do so.
What about people pleasers that recognize their control freak side? Lol. I recognized my instinct to try and control situations and outcomes in my late 20s. I am turning 50 this year and only in the last 2 years have I become conscious of maybe being a people pleasure. I did a simple google search, “why do i cry when i say no.”. It led me here after about 10 misclicks. Only after reading this article did it ever occur to me that my people pleasing nature/annoying habit could be a result of the way I was raised. Very fundamentalist, high expectations, heaven/hell no in between. Of course growing up in that environment we were always ON. Always trying to please someone. Ultimately God! But a huuuuge line of people before that. We also went to a Christian school. No separation between schools church and home. No matter what we did, we were never enough. Interesting to have a different perspective – it makes a lot of sense. Now to figure out how to break the habit. Cheers from Indiana!
Thank you soooo much.Had to PLEASE my mother to get her “love”. I will be 60 this year. Better late than never to change huh?
Hi, Marlene. I think you’ve got the right idea– change is possible in any season of life! Best wishes to you.
Very interesting. I did notice that my over-helping was really about controlling behaviour as well. Not so much as wanting love, but more of wanting to be left alone. To head off any disaster or make it go away. As an introvert, really I just want everyone happy and not bothering me, is that too much to ask ;-)
Even when I’m not in their lives. One situation, I have friends, who I probably won’t see for many many years, but I felt so relieved when I heard they got out of a bad situation. Well, one did but the other has their own challenges. But it was a weight off my shoulders.
I felt guilty about how I couldn’t do more, how I couldn’t just make it go away for them and having everything get better for them. But it’s not like I could actually do something for them, or even if I magically could it wouldn’t be my place to do anything. Lucky for me, I was smart to know that interfering never helps, but it was always on my mind. The last few months was worrying from afar, even when not in their lives.
I had to cut them off for various professional reasons but also because I would also be entangled, and it just hurts me to see others hurt. I realised my error when I finally copped on that my worrying about them was affecting my ability to take care of my needs. And then the feedback loop is kind of funny in a way too. I knew in their hearts that they would not want me unhappy because of them. That part hurt too. Knowing that they would hurt from my hurting from their situation.
Other than that I think only people really close to me, like 2-3 where my over-helping- controlling behaivour needs to be checked. I try to make their lives smooth so mine can be. But they are their own people.
As a fellow introvert, I can relate very much to what you’ve shared here, ha ha! You’ve also named something important that is a problem for all people-pleasers, which is their profound empathy. It gets in the way of setting boundaries. I’ve had to teach (and learn myself) the difference between empathy and compassion. Empathy can let you get swept up in other people’s feelings and struggles, until they feel like your own. Compassion provides the benefits of empathy but lets you remain anchored in your own experience, recognizing the boundary between you and them. It’s the difference between feeling FOR someone and feeling WITH them. It’s actually a more powerful place to reside, and as a therapist, knowing the distinction is critical for me– it helps me do more effective work and protects me from burnout.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!
I have a very difficult time with people pleasers. I can sense their control in their actions and it really triggers me. I’m ashamed to admit that I probably get triggered because of my same need to control. :( I would like to know how to just disengage from these personalities. They come off so loudly disingenuous that I just know it’s going to be a never ending battle in an attempt to soothe their egos or get them to stop trying to”win” me over. I’d just rather they write me off and leave me be. But my interactions with them have always been so exhausting that I may be getting a very bad attitude towards them.
My sister is a massive people pleaser, this article has really opened my eyes to the control side of it.
I get so over saying “no thanks I am ok” when she is consistently offering her assistance when it is unsolicited. Then follows up with a remark that makes me feel like I have to justify why I didn’t want the assistance. This is for petty things, like favours around the house… But saying no to the same favour multiple times a day gets so frustrating and then I look like the bad guy for always turning the favour down.
I suppose I am just wondering if other people get sick of having to say “no thanks I am ok” when dealing with people pleasers. Or if I am getting unnecessarily agitated. Can anyone relate to this?
I’m really getting tired of articles that hate on people pleasers. And try to convince me that the only reason I am a people pleaser is because I want acceptance from other people. That is not that at all I just want everybody to be happy and get along and I want peace in my life and in their lives and if giving them what they need brings that piece then I don’t see that that’s a problem. Even if I have to get up some of my own happiness I cannot handle the idea of causing someone else unhappiness and it being my fault and living with that guilt. It’s just easier but it has nothing to do with being liked and everything to do with feeling guilty for making someone else uncomfortable. I don’t feel like I have the right to inflict unhappiness or pain on someone else because of my selfish wants and needs. I think more people should act like other people’s needs are more important than they’re on because there’s just too much selfishness in this world anyway. Too much focus on self leads to an egocentric society.