Lots of people want to know more about how they can assert themselves at work and in relationships.  Today we’ll talk about three good ingredients that can help you set limits appropriately and effectively.

First, it’s important to understand why assertiveness is important.  Assertiveness isn’t actually about being mean, annoying, or inconveniencing others.  It is actually all about kindness, if you can believe it.

Second, we need to know what our priorities are.  We need to get at the heart of things so we can pick our battles.  What’s really getting under your skin?

Third, there’s the actual matter of being assertive—of setting limits kindly and firmly.  I’ll offer you some tips to help you get started, and some pitfalls to fall in, forgive yourself for, and avoid next time around.

Let’s get started.

Being assertive:  Why it’s healthy and good

Some people worry that being assertive equates to “being mean.”  This is an unfounded worry.

Setting firm and appropriate boundaries is actually a kindness.  By stating your needs and feelings, you offer others clear and useful information about how you work and what you need.  Being assertive reduces confusing ambiguity.  People know what’s on your mind and can respond accordingly.  It also reduces pressure for people to try and ferret out your needs or opinions, leaving them time and energy to respond to your feedback.

Another benefit of communicating assertively: you give other people permission to do the same.

On the other hand, people who equate assertiveness with aggressiveness can actually end up doing the very things they’re trying to avoid: having angry outbursts or “being mean” in ways that tax their relationships and themselves.  For example, a person may boil over and become aggressive or pushy after months or years of giving in.  Or, they may remain in a passive stance indefinitely, feeling depleted, depressed, and unable to bring their caring hearts fully to any enterprise.

In these scenarios, everyone loses.

Resentment, desperation, frustration and fatigue are all various sorts of “meanness” that get turned inward or outward eventually.  Assertiveness translates your needs into messages that can be received and acted upon effectively.

Assertiveness gives you a voice without compromising yourself or your relationships.  It is very possible to hold a position both firmly and kindly.  Kindness does not mean caving in or giving other people their way all the time.

Taking inventory

Maybe you know all about the problem issues:  you know exactly why you blew up at your in-laws over Thanksgiving dinner or collapsed in an exhausted heap after what was supposed to be a relaxing weekend.  Or, you may find that this has been going on so long, you’re not really clear what you’re fighting for or what needs to change.

An important part of assertiveness is taking inventory of your own needs and desires.  Do you have a clear picture about what—at the heart of things—is actually bothering you?

Maybe you’ve had a lot of time to think about this, and you feel quite clear about what you’re upset about.  Maybe you have accumulated a lot of little resentments and frustrations that stem from disavowed needs and swallowed requests.  In that instance, it can be hard to sift through all of these wrongs.  It can be hard to know where to start.  So take some time with it and think it through.

Assertiveness tips and pitfalls

Let’s assume you have a clear idea of the battles worth fighting.  Here are some tips for good outcomes and some common errors to avoid.

Tips

Plan ahead.  As we discussed earlier, it helps if you’ve identified the problem ahead of time.  As with any new skill, it can be hard to practice without a little forethought.  So have a picture in your head about how you’d like the conversation to go.

Prepare for resistance.  You’d be surprised at the kind of resistance you’ll encounter when practicing this skill, especially from people you love and care for!  It helps if you can anticipate when and how people will “push back” in conversation with you.

Buy time.  If someone’s pushing on your boundaries and you feel caught off guard, it never hurts to buy a little time so you can compose a thoughtful no.  Tell them you need time to think it over, say, “I can’t give this the thought it deserves right now, let me get back to you on that.”  Whatever you do, don’t offer a quick “yes” just to buy time to say “no” later on.

Keep it short.  You don’t need to launch into a long explanation about why you’ve elected not to do something.  Being overly explanatory can make you seem guilty or apologetic about standing your ground.  It also invites people to spar with your reasons.  So don’t offer them unless asked, and be sparse with the details.

Broken record.  You will probably need to repeat your answer many times in a single conversation, and perhaps across several different conversations.  Stick to your guns, and don’t feel bad about standing your ground.  You aren’t being rude.  If anything, you could see it as rude that the person repeatedly asking isn’t taking you at your word.

Combine a yes with a no.  No one likes to be told no.  But, if you can combine a yes with a no, things can go more smoothly.  It shows willingness to compromise and that you value the other person’s feelings.  So, you’re essentially saying, “Well, I can’t do that, but I’m happy to do this.”  Just be sure whatever you volunteer yourself for is something you’re okay with doing!

Start small.  As with any new skill, it helps if you start with something low-stakes.  So, if you’ve been contemplating a confrontation with your boss for ages about a long overdue raise, you might consider first tackling something a bit smaller.  (Hint:  this is not an excuse to perpetually avoid the salary talk with your boss.)

Make visible.  In some cases, your complaint may be addressed by simply calling someone’s attention to a task.  This can be infuriating, because this points out someone else’s luxury of being clueless and the trouble of invisible work.  But, the sooner you feel free to speak up, the less burdened you will feel and the more quickly you will find a resolution.

Pitfalls

Passivity.  Hallmarks of a passive interpersonal approach include waiting for someone else to speak up for you, or hoping that someone will somehow intuit your needs or feelings (aka, mind-reading).  Patience is a virtue, but only in moderation—make it your job to advocate for yourself!

Aggression.  It makes sense that you might be feeling incredibly resentful after weeks, months or longer of feeling walked on or taken advantage of.  However, if that resentment boils over, you are more likely to damage both your cause and your relationship. Your very legitimate concerns become easier to dismiss if you fly off the handle in a rage.  Aggression will get your short-term goals met at the cost of your long-term ones.

Passive aggression.  This interpersonal style, where you say one thing and mean another, or you cloak your anger and aggression in sarcasm or other “hidden” communications, will alienate people from you.  They will feel unhappy, guilted, or criticized, but walk away from the conversation feeling confused about where it all came from.  In large doses, this will poison your relationships.

Hold, then cave.  Being assertive can be a real challenge, especially if you have set a precedent for being overly accommodating.  It is a common experience to hold a position firmly or even aggressively at first, and then to cave in to pressures later on.  This is why it helps to have a clear bottom line about which battles you’re fighting, so you can maintain a firm stance over time.

It’s grand to stand your ground

There’s a lot of food for thought here about how to practice assertiveness in your own life.  Don’t be afraid to try things on for size—just start small, go slow, and be patient.  Remember: assertive communication is a skill that improves with practice.

“You can be firm without being mean”—true or not?  What helps you stand your ground?  Please share your comments below.