Last week, I talked a lot about why it’s important to be your own best friend.

But, some of us are better at befriending ourselves than others.

Today, we dive into some examples of kinds of people who struggle with self-compassion and kindness.

If you recognize yourself in this list, don’t despair!!

It is possible to befriend yourself—you may have to learn some new skills and work harder at it than others do, at first.

Your own worst enemy

People with low self-esteem, by definition, struggle to have a positive relationship with themselves.

They just don’t think they’re worth very much.

They are almost always self-critical, finding fault with everything they do:  their choices, their character, their behavior.

Nothing is safe from reproach.

Low self-esteem can manifest in many different forms, however.  Here are a few examples of traits that are tied to low self-esteem.

Perfectionism.

People who are chronic high-achievers or perfectionists base their worth and value on their performance.

They feel they are worthy or lovable only if they are achieving—and sometimes not even then.

Often, even when they have accomplished something great, they are likely to explain it away or diminish the accomplishment immediately.

They also tend to have very harsh inner critics.

Narcissism.

You might be surprised to see this on the list.

Haven’t you heard that narcissists are people who think too highly of themselves?

But it’s more complicated than that.

People who struggle with narcissism have an unstable self-image, often swinging between two extremes:  feeling terribly about themselves and then feeling on top of the world after achieving public recognition or praise.

The trouble is that the positive feelings are short-lived, the victory sours quickly after the goal is achieved.

Often, these people struggle with feeling hollow, empty, or bored.

People-pleasing.

People-pleasers struggle to have authentic, positive relationships with themselves.  They are chameleons, able to change at a moment’s notice to please the people around them.

They are dependent on others for soothing and approval, so they do whatever they can to preserve their relationships.

Often, people-pleasers are high achievers & perfectionists (see above).  They are trying to be everything to everybody!

But, people-pleasers are so preoccupied with what other think and feel, they forget or bury their own wishes and desires in order to be pleasing to others.

Where things go wrong

These are many different factors that can contribute to these traits that cause low self-esteem.

1.)  Trauma

Psychological trauma is a complex thing.

Two people can be exposed to the same event—one may experience it as deeply traumatic, while the other does not.

This last bit is actually a lie.  Why?

In reality, they haven’t experienced the same event at all.

This is because the traumatic incident, whatever it is, is processed through an individual’s own unique filter informed by the peculiarities and uniqueness of their own nervous system, upbringing, mental health, previous trauma exposure, and much more.

Research shows that the vast majority of people (50-90%) experience at least one traumatic event in their lifetime.  And the effects of trauma can be long lasting.

Negative beliefs after a traumatic event can be pervasive and very damaging.

This is one of the worst legacies that trauma can leave behind—a deep-seated belief that one is damaged, unlovable, forever unsafe.

It can really do a number on someone’s self-esteem.

These negative beliefs, also known as negative cognitions, are a key target of any form of trauma treatment.

EMDR, a common form of trauma treatment, addresses these negative cognitions in order to free up the mind to hold better, more healthy and accurate beliefs about oneself and the world.

2.)  Family dysfunction

You could argue, broadly speaking, that family dysfunction is a form of trauma.  It is!

But it’s such a widespread problem, it deserves its own headline.

Unlike single incident traumas, this kind of trauma is repeated and incremental, happening in big and small ways throughout childhood.

It seeps into someone’s self-image.

Over time, repeated exposure to certain harmful messages and experiences diminish one’s sense of self-worth.

Parents are the most powerful figures in a child’s life.

Through thought, word, and deed, they communicate messages to their child about how loveable or worthy that child is.

Often in these dysfunctional families, children absorb these kind of messages:

You aren’t lovable or worthy

or

You’re only lovable and worthy when you…

I’m sure you can see the problem with the first message.  And the second can be very problematic, too.

The second statement is an example of a condition of worth.

This means that love or praise is offered conditionally—that is, only when certain requirements or expectations are met.

We all get messages like this from time to time, as a way of being socialized into the human race.

But sometimes we end up with very long lists, or conditions that are simply unreasonable or untenable, and we come to believe we are unworthy.

This leads to low self-esteem and poor self-image.  It’s hard to be friends with yourself when you feel this way.

3.)  Lack of skills

Many of us would like to be better friends with ourselves, but we lack certain skills.

Some of us may have grown up in families that did not provide the safety or example required to be introspective and self-reflective.

And if we never learned how to “tune in” to our feelings, it’s likely that we also never learned how to soothe and comfort ourselves in times of distress.

We may have had parents who struggled to regulate their own feelings appropriately and had no one to model healthy habits for us.

But we may also have constitutional differences we were born with:  some of us simply have nervous systems and bodies that are more sensitive to stress and require more time to calm down.

Put a sensitive soul in a chaotic or cold family… and you’ll produce someone who feels things deeply and even explosively, but lacks the capacity to soothe and cope with these feelings.  They often have chaotic, up-and-down relationships, and some burned bridges in their past, too.

Or you’ll produce someone who ignores and devalues his or her feelings, because they’ve learned to cope by numbing, minimizing and dismissing them.

But these folks complain that they lack a vitality or spark, or don’t really feel much of anything, because they’ve anesthetized their feelings in order to survive.

Part of being a good friend to yourself means tuning in to what’s going on inside.

It means not running from persistent thoughts and feelings—but approaching these with curiosity and compassion.

If we don’t show interest in our own inner worlds, how can we really befriend ourselves?

And if we don’t really know how to soothe ourselves or depend on others to do this for us, is it any wonder that we flee from our feelings?

“Cura te ipsum”

What’s that mean?

It’s Latin for “take care of your own self.”

This may mean learning some skills for the very first time—how to be kind, curious, and gentle about your inner world.

How to be soft, skilled, and compassionate with distressing feelings.

How to let go of old myths and beliefs that you are unworthy and unloveable.

Therapy can help with this important work.  A counselor can lead the way, asking,

“Who’s in there?

What’s going on inside?”

They can help with the tide of feelings that may rise.

They can help you understand what it is to be seen, heard, and accepted for who you truly are.

And they will do all of this at a pace you can tolerate and feel good about, letting you remain in control of the process as you go along.

Is it any wonder why I love what I do?  It is such special work.

Best wishes to you as you build and strengthen this key friendship!