You’re a nice enough person.

You can carry on a conversation.

You have interests.  Hobbies.

You even shower regularly.

So how come it’s so hard to find someone to spend some time with?

Why’s it so hard to find a friend?

The number one factor in finding a friend

The number one factor in finding a friend is proximity.

In fact, this is true for romantic relationships as well as friendships.

You can’t have a relationship with someone if you don’t know they exist.

I’m willing to bet that there are some amazing people on the other side of the planet who might make excellent friends or life partners for you (possible language barrier notwithstanding) but you’ll probably never meet them.

I don’t mean to sound so bleak.

But proximity is important.  And you’ll want to use this piece of information to your advantage.

Also, proximity is not just about physical location.

That’s a key aspect, but I’m sure you know of people in successful long-distance relationships.

Proximity is also about creating and cultivating closeness in a relationship.  And that takes work.

But let’s figure this out.

When did making friends become so tough?

Let’s look back a bit and see what helped us along in this process as kids.

Finding friends as children

As children, we had some support in making friends.

School forced us to spend hours in the company of other people our same age.  Forced proximity.  And remember, proximity is key in developing relationships.

In a classroom of 30, odds are reasonably good you’ll find at least one good friend person in the group.

And even if you didn’t find a great friend in your class, maybe you participated in other activities outside of school.  Or maybe there were kids in your neighborhood to play with.

Some people have memories of deep loneliness as children, seeking friends and struggling to find them.

But the fact remains that children typically have more opportunities to mingle with children their own age and developmental stage.

With adults, it gets more complicated.

Finding friends as adults

The adult proxy to school, work, isn’t quite as easy a place to find friends.

And even as an adult pursuing higher education, you aren’t afforded the same opportunities for socializing.

It’s true that undergraduate programs at universities can offer some good structure for socializing for their students on campus.

But graduate programs are another animal altogether.

Back to the setting where people spend most of their time:  work.

Can you find friends there?

It really depends on your work environment.

I know I would raise a few eyebrows as a therapist trying to make friends at work.  Right?

And let’s face it:  your employer is going to be a lot less interested in cultivating opportunities for your own personal growth than a school teacher is.

So you have to take charge of this part of your life.  Is making friends a priority for you?

Are you willing to make time finding and keeping friends?

Where some friends are hiding (in your past)

You may find yourself making friends with people based on proximity—whether at work, your children’s friend’s parents, or at the gym.

There is an upside to being an adult in this case.

You may have relationships you have accrued over time—former relationships that, with some effort, you might be able to rekindle.

In some cases, you and your former friend may have grown apart.

But there may be some people you were close to before that you might enjoy having in your inner circle again.

Former acquaintances are an often overlooked resource when seeking new friendships.

Upping the stakes: finding friends as an introvert

As a child, if you were an introvert, you probably felt like the forced face time in school with peers was painful at times.

But it did have one important consequence—it brought you into contact with others.

As an adult, you have the luxury of remaining more isolated.

You’re left to your own devices.

And if your default is to spend time alone, finding another introvert friend can be hard to do.

You don’t find friends—you make them

People say you find friends, but really, you make them.

Friendships, like any relationship, require work.

So let’s go back to this important question again:  are you willing to put the work in?

Are you willing and ready to nourish a relationship?

Be honest with yourself.

It’s okay to say, “Actually, I want the benefits of a friendship without the work.”

It would help to identify the needs you’re wanting to meet with a friend.

Are you looking for an emotional confidant—someone to share and discuss feelings with?

You might consider seeking out a therapist.  A therapist isn’t a friend, of course, but they can hold space for you to process your feelings in confidence and safety.

Are you looking for someone to do fun things with?

Consider attending a meet up or group that shares your interests.

You don’t have to make lifelong friends in the group—just show up, do something fun together.

Rinse.  Repeat.

Final thoughts

So, consider what you want in a friendship.

Are you willing to put the time in?

Introverts, are you willing to spend time in different communities (online or offline) to find the right friend?

Remember:  making a friend is about proximity.  And that requires being open to the opportunity, putting yourself out there, and doing some work to maintain the bond.