Today we’re going to take a quick look at the anatomy of our inner critic.

We’ll be answering a couple of questions like:

Why do we have inner critics? 

Where does my inner critic come from? 

How can we handle our inner critics? 

Let’s get started.

Making an introduction

Unless we’re doing some form of mindful practice, chances are pretty good we have some sort of mental chatter going on upstairs.

Sometimes the chatter is a pleasant fantasy about some exciting plans.

A special person.

A creative project we’re excited to begin.

Perhaps it’s a kind of mental replay that’s rehashing an unpleasant conversation we had.

A bunch of the things we wish we would have said.

It might be a long errand list.

But sometimes the chatter has a particular harshness to it.

It’s a harshness directed inwards.

That was stupid. 

What will they think of you now? 

No one will take you seriously. 

You’re such a $&^%ing idiot.

Sounds familiar?  That one is your inner critic.

What is an inner critic?

An inner critic is a harsh inner voice that loves to tear us down.

It is bent on reforming us.  Correcting us.  Cutting us down to size.

It is fond of keeping a running commentary that criticizes and judges our behavior and choices.

It likes to ask questions that undermine our confidence and our plans.

It often tells us that we are too big for our britches.

That we are overstepping some important boundary.

That we aren’t good enough.

That we will fail.

Inner critics are basically big bullies that live inside our brains.

Are all inner critics the same?

Even though inner critics have some common features, they can look different from person to person.

That’s because these particular inner voices love to tailor their criticism to our particular vulnerabilities.

And unfortunately, because the critic lives inside your mind, it knows precisely where to point the arrow.

One person may have an inner critic that loves to dress up.

What do I mean by that?

It means that this critical voice shows up at different times, with a different tone or topic to scold you about, depending on the day.

Some people say their critic can sound an awful lot like a parent—it uses the same language, maybe even the same insults or hurtful words, that have been used in the past.

Other times, the critic may sound like an angry, critical you unleashing the very worst on yourself.

Where do inner critics come from?

There are lots of theories about this.

Most of us have a part of our mind that loves to comment on itself.

And the commentary isn’t always pleasant.

But inner critics seem to be strongest in people who have low self-esteem, in people who feel unlovable or unworthy.

Often, these people grew up in families where love and praise was scarce and inconsistent, or offered only when strict standards were meant.

When people grow up under layer after layer expectations and conditions of worth, they learn to distort who they are in order to receive love.

People-pleasers are very good at this.

People with inner critics tend to be perfectionists.

They can often be quite accomplished in their fields but struggle under the lash of the critic, feeling that nothing they ever do is quite good enough.

How can we handle our inner critic better?

Some schools of thought see the inner critic as something you do battle with or put a cork in.

I think it’s far better to sit down with that part and have a conversation with it.

I won’t lie.

This can be tricky at first.

It can be a bit like trying to have tea with an unruly three year old.

There may be some flinging of cookies and breaking of china at first.

The inner critic is, by its very nature, critical—and it may not feel much like having a civil conversation with you.

But over time, you can come to understand it.  And to treat it with compassion.

And it’s much easier to greet your inner critic kindly when you know that, underneath it all, it’s try to protect you somehow.

(Which is often, ironically, what it is trying to do.)

But even in the case of that particularly scary and sharp inner critic that seems hell bent on annihilating you, it is still possible to have conversations with that part.

To get a sense of its purpose.  To understand why it is so fiery.  And then, finally, to set limits with it.

Making this inner chatter conscious, labeling it as something separate from you and also partly under your control—these are the first steps to understanding and taming your inner critic.

Again, taming your inner critic comes down to:

1.)  Make your inner critic chatter conscious.  Notice when it shows up.  What triggers it?

2.)  See your critic as a part of you.  Try to understand what that part is seeking to accomplish.

3.)  Challenge the critic’s unreasonable expectations.  Unpack the values that give your critic power.

It’s big work.  Counseling can help facilitate these conversations.

Just know that, even if it feels completely out of control at the moment, it is possible to talk with (and back) to your inner critic.

And don’t be afraid to seek out a counselor if you feel like you need a referee.