The no you’ve been avoiding
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It’s there.
Blink, and you’d miss it.
Just at the corner of your eye, barely in view.
Yes, there. There it is.
It’s the ‘no’ you’ve been avoiding.
Hello there, no-you’ve-been-avoiding.
Let’s have a chat, you and I.
I think you’ve got something important to tell us.
The ‘no’ you’ve been avoiding
Sometimes you’re on the fence.
You don’t know what you want.
You don’t know what to do next.
This is not one of those times.
This particular ‘no’—the no you’ve been avoiding—this no knows (say that five times fast) what it’s about.
It’s quite clear.
No, I don’t want to go to that party.
No, I don’t want to work late at the office again.
No, I don’t want to marry you.
It could be a small no or a big one.
The thing is, your gut and your heart have had some conversations, and they’re on board.
They know deep down the thing that needs to be done.
But then your brain had to get involved.
Much gratitude and credit to your amazing brain, but sometimes it just doesn’t know when to butt out.
And the brain, it worries and frets and questions.
It spins stories, weaves rationalizations, and before you know it, that crystal clear no is nowhere to be found.
The disappearing act of no
People-pleasers and codependents are notoriously conflict-avoidant.
And saying no is seen as rolling out the welcome mat to conflict.
People-pleasers will do almost anything to avoid conflict, including but not limited to…
+lying
+doing whatever they’re asked, even if it’s bad for them
+completing other people’s work
Avoiding conflict results in…
+resentment & buried anger
+fatigue and health problems
+feeling overwhelmed
+cutting and running from relationships suddenly
Sometimes people-pleasers are unsure of what they want.
Years of tuning in and listening to the feelings and needs of others has sometimes made them tone-deaf to their own impulses and desires.
But even then, some messages speak through the muteness. Some things you just know. And yet you still don’t act on that knowing.
You abandon that ‘no.’
And you don’t have to be a people-pleaser to have this problem, either.
Make the stakes high enough, and those nos are suddenly nowhere to be found.
Peace at any price is a problem
How are we supposed to get through life if we can’t say no?
Who will advocate for us if we don’t?
We have to listen to ourselves, and then we need to act.
Listening to what we need is not enough.
Because you can avoid those no’s—sometimes for years, even.
Be a guardian, a curator of your own life.
Care enough to say no.
Because much as they might love you, the people in your world can’t know what you need as well as you do.
Even if you feel completely clueless as to your own needs and wishes—even then, that’s a starting point.
That’s a chance to polish the compass of your heart, to get your bearings and then to put one foot in front of the other.
The no you’ve been avoiding
So. That no you’ve been avoiding.
The one hovering near your line of sight, blurry like a mirage.
Take a look at it head on.
Let yourself see what is there.
Acknowledge what is true for you.
Maybe it’s time to act on it. Maybe not.
But let yourself see it. Absorb the wisdom that is there. You k(no)w more than you think you do.
And if you’re needing some help with your no’s, I have a few resources for you.
You can sign up for my newsletter and get your free report, “Ready, Set, No!!” –a gentle guide to setting limits in your life. Just look in the righthand margin of the website for the signup box —————>
Or you can try any of these posts to get a couple of ideas on how to begin:
You can be firm without being mean
10 how-to’s for healthy boundaries
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Last year: Picture yourself in December
Two years ago: 10 painful & hidden costs of people-pleasing
Three years ago: The low days
