Yes, you read that correctly.

Blunder.

Blunder.

Blunder, not blender.

Though I’m sure many blenders will be handed out this holiday season.

Today we’re talking about a different sort of gift.

The gift of the blunder.

The gift of the what-now?

The gift of the blunder is a special kind of gift.

It is the gift of connection.  It comes from embracing our imperfections and mistakes, and sharing these thoughtfully with others.

In order to really connect with people, we need to be willing to be vulnerable.

We need to be able to say, “Yes, I really get what you mean,” –and mean it.

We need to be willing to talk about the monsters under the bed.

We need to be willing to share stories of our blunders.

And we need to be willing to listen and notice how our sharing impacts others.

How blunders can heal

I’ve observed this in therapy time and time again—both as client and as therapist.

Some of my most powerful moments in therapy came when my therapist shared some of her own screw-ups and struggles.

These disclosures were offered sparingly, in our hours at moments when I felt utterly alone in my mistakes and struggles, or sagging under the heavy weight of shame.

Each time she has done it, it has felt right.

I think it has happened only a handful of times total.

But each one made an impression on me.

In therapy, there’s a science to sharing.

It’s not always a good time to share a blunder.  Sometimes it distracts.

In fact, it could even be harmful.  In order to practice responsibly, a therapist really needs to look at these things in context.

And not all sharing is deliberate, or even planned, as in the case of the therapeutic fart.

But whether or not you’re a therapist, you can do your loved ones a favor and go through a similar sort of reasoning before you start sharing.

The science of sharing blunders

Like seasoning for food, blunders should be offered up lightly and in small doses.  At appropriate times.  With the right folks.  And with the right intentions.

But don’t be scared off with all the caveats and conditions here.

What we’re really talking about here is vulnerability and intimacy.  And with tender things like these, you want to proceed warmly and thoughtfully.  That’s all.

Here are some tips to help walk you through it.

1.)  Consider your reasons. 

Are you sharing a blunder to tell a good story?

Or are you sharing one to console a loved one, to join with them in their pain?

Maybe you are sharing a blunder because you want soothing and reassurance.

That’s fine.

These contexts will shape what you share, and how.

So it is important to be honest about your intentions.

We will proceed assuming you’re sharing because you want to join with someone in their pain and offer them some comfort.

And you wouldn’t want to share your blunders with just anyone, right?

So make sure that the person you’re planning to share with is someone you trust and feel safe sharing with.

2.)  Listen.

Often times, people just need you to listen.  Like, really listen.

And it is natural, when listening to the hardships of others, to have things come to mind that mirror that in your own life.

It happens to me as a therapist all the time.  Other people’s pain or joy touches my own—and often.

But usually, I don’t share those thoughts or impressions in the session, because I realize that sharing in that commonality might distract from my client’s story—

–and my job in that moment is to listen and understand their experience, not my own.

My reactions, while worthy and valuable, do not always have to be shared.

So if you want to offer your loved ones a great kindness, put them at the front and center of the conversation.

When considering sharing a blunder, ask yourself:  is now a good time to share this?  What am I trying to offer here?

3.)  Ask.

It’s a brief but potent gesture.

If you’re not sure if it is a good time to share your own experiences, ask.

You could say something like,

“That sounds familiar—do you mind if I share a little bit of my experience on that?”

If someone doesn’t want you to share, they may not say no, but instead they’ll continue to talk about their own experiences.

That’s when it is time to go back to step 2– just listen.

When in doubt, ask first.

4.)  Share.

Assuming you’ve gone through the previous steps and gotten the go ahead, your next job is to share your story.

Try to be brief and even while sharing, stay focused on the other person.

Do your best not to have expectations about how it will be received.

Remember:  you’re sharing to help someone else.

To really let it be a no-strings-attached sort of gift, you need to share without expecting it to be received a certain way.

5.)  Watch for feedback.

See what impact your sharing had.

Maybe your story really sinks in, maybe it doesn’t.

If your sharing seems to fall flat, just redirect your focus back to the person you’re trying to support.

When in doubt, ask a question and get back to step 2.

You really can’t go wrong with listening and trying to understand where someone is coming from!

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Last year:  Happy Holidays from Labyrinth Healing

Two years ago:  The best gift