The season of gifting may be over, but there’s still a present you could give loved ones that has lasting value. It doesn’t cost much, and it’s as good to give as to receive.

Most people don’t know how to put this gift on their wish list, but I’m willing to bet that nearly everyone you know would be happy to have it.

So, what’s the gift?

You can call it lots of things—but it comes down to being transparent, genuine, or real with the people you love.

Put simply: stop cultivating a careful image of yourself and let loved ones know about what’s really going on in your life in the new year.

What’s wrong with my image?

It’s human nature to try and present ourselves in our best light. Most of us have been told from early on to put our best foot forward whenever possible.

This serves us well, typically. After all, it’s important to be aware of how we present ourselves to others. We don’t want to be thoughtless or inconsiderate of how we make others feel, and we want others to have a good impression of us. If we are going through a tough time, we may even emotionally or physically retreat to hide our feelings or shield others from our distress.

How ironic, then, that our efforts to make a good impression or protect others from our hardship can actually end up making our loved ones feel alienated or “less than.” Yet this is a common outcome most easily observed in the various forms of social media we use every day.

Here’s where it goes downhill…

We have more shared social space online than ever before, and we have the ability to shape and control that space in creative and nuanced ways. It’s not surprising, then, that this space serves as a stage of our life. Status updates, tweets, and texts share our lives, an ounce at a time, with others.

If we combine our inclination to share with our desire to put our best foot forward, then throw in a large, interactive audience that can give us immediate feedback on our lives, we’ve got a recipe for some serious cultural neuroticism.

What do people do in response to hearing about others’ accomplishments and achievements? Typically, they mirror back more of the same. This can result in an escalation of sorts.  You’d think this is a good thing—people mirroring positivity towards one another is all for the good, yes?

This depends on the spirit of the sharing. If people are sharing because they genuinely wish to offer good news to others as it emerges, wonderful! Social media is a great way to share happy news quickly, and to get immediate feedback. But, what if the sharing comes from a place of insecurity or competitiveness? That sharing often has a different tenor to it, and it tends to evoke unhappy feelings in others.

The blahs

In the end, this escalation can encourage people to engage in some serious fact-grooming. Lives appear brighter and fuller than they actually are, leaving us privately feeling disheartened at the discrepancies or perhaps fraudulent in knowing we are perceived very differently than we actually are.

As we read all these happy posts, we end up brining in the achievements of others. This gives us a distorted perception about other people’s lives, making us feel less content with our own. We may harbor feelings of resentment or jealousy or longing, or perhaps just a “blah” feeling about how things are going for us.

This sense of disconnect erodes at our relationships. This is particularly true if social media is the primary way that you “keep tabs” on people close to you. (Sidebar: this is one great reason to make sure you have various means of staying in touch.)

Intimate relationships thrive on honest sharing, and that often flies in the face of our private inclinations to save face or manage public impressions.

Don’t hate on social media

Insecurity and competitiveness are a part of human nature and were on the scene well before social media emerged. These platforms are keen amplifiers and give us unique opportunities to observe our motivations and foibles. I know of many people who use these to share all kinds of information, to seek support over common struggles, and to reach out to others in powerful ways.

So, I’m not trying to suggest that social media is a place where everyone tries to trump everyone else. Nonetheless, it does seem that everyone’s got their own stage, and few folks want to go on without their makeup done and their hair on straight.

Wherein I claim my bias

I’m a therapist, so I spend most of my time sitting with people when they are being very real—and that sometimes means feeling very sad, very desperate, or very elated. I enjoy this kind of authentic connection. So, I am biased towards profiles that present a spectrum view of a person’s life—the good and the bad, the big and the little of a person’s world.

Some people prefer just having the big headlines, and others choose to present only a certain aspect of their lives online. And that’s fine.

Not everyone wants to use social media to cultivate closeness with others.

What I am proposing is not for everyone—but for those interested, it could be a powerful way of making connections, receiving help and support, and becoming closer to loved ones.

A caveat

When I talk about transparency online, I want to be clear about what I mean. I’m not suggesting that you use social media to update your coworkers and distant relations about what you ate for breakfast, or about the gruesome details of your latest break up.

I mean, you can if you want—some people like offering a blow-by-blow account of their lives with very little filter. You’ll get a certain type of readership if that’s your style. But, that transparency isn’t the kind I had in mind when writing this.

A big part of healthy intimacy means knowing what to share, when, and with whom. Everyone’s comfort level is different on this, so let common sense guide you and when in doubt, ask. Before posting something, think for a moment about your motivations. You’ll probably learn a great deal about yourself.

Rather than having a list of do’s and don’ts about being genuine or transparent online, I think it’s best to see this as an intention or stance that you can adopt. If you’re willing to share momentary frustrations or doubts from time to time, I’m willing to bet that you’ll receive lots of feedback around that. And if you don’t, well, that’s important data, too.

The bottom line:

Let people know what’s going on in your life, even when things are not going well. Ask for support when you need it.

If you feel the need to cultivate a certain kind of image online, ask yourself why that is and how that’s going for you. Do you feel closer to others? Better about yourself? Is it helping or not?