Spoiler alert:  it’s you.

That’s it.  I guess you can stop reading now, ha ha.

But really!

People talk about practicing compassion and mindfulness and kindness.

But these lessons are incomplete if they are only directed outward!

You are the best friend that you will ever have.

Or I should say, “You could be the best friend that you will ever have.”

Friendship optional

You don’t have to be your own best friend, of course.

You can be critical and cruel toward yourself,

harsh and unforgiving of your mistakes,

too afraid of failure to try anything new.

You can be negligent of your own needs,

believing yourself to be unworthy of kindness,

and prioritizing everyone else’s desires above your own.

You can abandon yourself,

be willfully out of touch with your feelings and wishes,

practiced at numbing and self-abnegation.

You can be a really terrible “friend” to yourself, if you want.

But if you really make friends with yourself, you’re pretty much set.

It means that you’ll always have someone in your corner, no matter what.

And that’s pretty powerful stuff.

So let’s get on with it, already.  Let’s talk about how to make friends with yourself.

What makes a good friend?

Let’s start with the basics:  what makes a good friend?

Here are a few qualities that come to mind for me:

+  They want to get to know you.

+  They’re fun to be with.

+  They love and care about you.

+  They understand you.

+  They respect you.

+  They are patient with you.

+  They keep their promises.

What matters to you in a friendship?

Make a list and ask yourself– “Do I afford myself these courtesies?”

Here are some examples:

Are you patient with yourself?

Do you make choices that preserve your self-respect?

When you promise to do something good for yourself, do you generally follow through?

Do you try to understand your own feelings, and do you respond to these with kindness?

Can you love and care about yourself, regardless of what others think?

Practice makes perfect

Maybe that relationship isn’t quite where you want it yet.

It’s okay.

You’re worth getting to know.

You’re worth the effort.

Here are some practical steps to help you strengthen your relationship with yourself.

1.)  Set healthy boundaries.  Say no.  Give honest feedback, even if it means there might be a conflict.  Inform people about your needs & wishes—don’t make them guess.

2.)  Listen to what’s going on inside.  Care enough to tune in.  Get familiar with what you’re feeling, without judging it.  Try to be kind and compassionate with whatever you find there.

3.)  Learn how to soothe yourself in healthy ways.  Love yourself enough to use healthy coping skills.  Set aside tactics that cause you pain and grief, or make you lose your self-respect.

4.)  Understand what your values and priorities are.  Live your life according to your principles and values.  Authentic living honors who you are.

5.)  Practice good self-care.  Get enough to eat.  Get enough rest.  Exercise.  Go to therapy.  Take your own well being as seriously as you would that of a young child under your care.

For some of us, this stuff comes easily.  For some, it’s a serious challenge.  Next week, I’ll talk more about why this is true.

So if you decide you’re ready to befriend yourself,

practice self-compassion

practice patience

practice self-respect.

You’re worth it!

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Last year:  Finding a beautiful therapy office in Austin

Two years ago:  What do people talk about in therapy?