One of the most common things my clients grapple with is relationships.

They’re weighing them.

Measuring them.

Looking from all angles.

They’re trying to tell if they’re solid or hollow, helpful or hurtful.

But rarely are things so black and white.

Rarely are we able to walk away from something and feel it’s 100% bad and worth leaving.

Rarely are we able to stay in a relationship and feel it’s 100% good and worth protecting at all costs.

There’s always a complicated mix of factors.

There’s always good and bad both.

So how do we determine how much good is good enough? 

How much bad is too much?

And if we really get down to it, how much of this stuff is patently good or bad versus a question of fit?

So we start asking a bunch more questions:

Is this person the right fit for me?

How much adjusting can they do/I do/we do in order to make a good fit?

Is it worth the work involved?

These are all questions that we sit with.

And while I’d love to offer a solid answer about the art of weighing relationships, I can’t do that responsibly here.

So instead, I’m going to offer a handful of ideas, questions, and principles for your consideration.

The fundamentals

Whether you’re weighing a romantic relationship, friendship, collegial bond or family tie, you need to start with the basics.

So start with your scale.

You assign weights to things based on your values.

There is no universal standard for the perfect relationship, because everyone wants something a little bit different.

So check in and see what carries weight for you in a relationship:

Values.  Make a note of what matters to you in a relationship.  Consider your values, your requirements.  What makes a relationship worth it for you?  What matters most?

Make a long list.  Then narrow it down to a couple of key points.

Deal breakers.  If you haven’t already done so, make a note of any deal breakers—that is, anything that you can’t stand or won’t tolerate in relationships.  These are the shadow side of values—the stuff that breaks down, the things that feel like betrayal or a fundamental mismatch to you.

Take a moment to reflect on those deal breakers.  Be curious about where they come from, and why they’re so solid for you.  Are there any that you’d consider softening?

How many of your key values are represented in your relationship?

How many deal breakers, if any, are present?

Checking trends

Every relationship changes over time.  One part of your job is to determine if it is changing into something you like.

How is your relationship now compared with when it started?

What has worsened?

What has improved?

What has stayed the same?

If things have changed for the worse, is it workable?

Are both parties invested in improving things?

Or is one person working much harder than the other most of the time?

Pros/Cons

Another way of looking at the data is to develop a pro/con list about your relationship.

I know, I know.  It sounds so dry.  But bear with me.

Once you’ve made a pro/con list, review it.

If most of the benefits of a relationship come down to things like companionship, avoiding loneliness, a feeling of belonging, the status of being married or having a best friend, etc—make a note of that.

These things are common factors.  That is to say, in any reasonable relationship, these are things that you can expect in a relationship that aren’t unique to the person in a relationship with you.

There’s nothing wrong with common factors, but they are just that… common.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t important—not at all!!—but it does mean that they are things that you could find with someone else, if given the opportunity.

Ideally, you’ll want to see a blend of factors—both common factors, and factors specific to the person you are in a relationship with.

Specific factors are those things that make your partner unique or well-suited to you—so, common interests and stuff that makes your partner one of a kind.

Use your intuition

Trust your gut.

Even if the pro/con list looks crystal clear, there’s still the stuff that you can’t measure, but holds weight.

Just because it looks good on paper doesn’t mean it is good in practice.

And sometimes, against all the odds, certain relationships just work.

So even if you gather all your data and the choice seems clear, see if your body has anything to say about it.

Don’t react.  Respond.

So now you have all this data.

You want to handle it with care.

You may be tempted to have a reaction to what you’ve learned.

And that’s fine—but maybe keep that reaction to yourself, until you’ve had some time to digest.

What I’m saying is, regardless of what you learn, take your time with what you do next.

Don’t react—respond.  Give yourself time to reflect, and then decide how to proceed.