Handling holiday stress: nine common culprits

Why are the holidays so hard?

You may have a ready answer to that question.  Perhaps you’ve spent quite a bit of time detailing reasons why the-most-wonderful-time-of-the-year—isn’t.

Or, you may really cherish this time of year.  The gift-giving or music, the shopping or the cheerful spirit of the holidays, or perhaps just the simple gesture of bundling up against colder weather may bring you great joy and comfort.

Whether or not you observe one of the many holidays strewn between late November and early January, you will nonetheless find yourself in the midst of much celebration and expectation.  And regardless of the spirit you bring to the season—rapt excitement, growing dread, or something in between—you may inexplicably find yourself feeling a bit worn thin by the time January arrives.

Sometimes the season can throw even the most enthusiastic Yuletider under the bus unexpectedly.

In truth, the holidays bring with them all sorts of wacky feelings, roles, and cultural pressures.  After the last bag of candy corn goes off the shelf, we can quickly find ourselves adrift in a sea of Christmas carols, Black Friday advertisements, gift wish lists, and if we’re not careful, holiday guilt, that spans a period of 6-8 weeks or more.

Here are a few of the common themes or problems that cause stress during the holidays.

Family—For many, holidays bring the expectation of reunion with family.  If you have family with whom you are close and enjoy seeing, take a moment to feel very grateful for this fact.  Not everyone has family they can or want to see over the holidays.  Some family members are estranged from their clans, either by their own choice, by geography, or as a consequence for “going their own way” against a family’s wishes.  Or, beloved family members that were the cornerstone of certain holiday traditions may have passed away, leaving the remaining people to grieve and cast about for ways to draw together and mend their family into a different shape.  Still others of us have a painful sense of obligation (see holiday guilt) that results in us spending time with family we do not wish to see.

Money troubles—Holidays can be expensive.  A big portion of the cultural myth about this season is that we must spend lots of money in order to show our family and friends just how much we care about them.  And, while it can be a lovely feeling to offer a gift to a loved one, the season can offer some heavy-handed expectations about gifts, who you spend your time with, and how you spend that time.  (There’s a reason that so many “quick cash” ads spring up around this time of year, promising you tidy profits in exchange for your car title.)  Setting and keeping to a budget may be one of the most loving things you do for yourself at this time of year.

Old roles—This theme ties in closely with family.  There are few times during the year when you can throw a group of grown adults into a room together and then suddenly have everyone start acting like they have a single digit age attached to them.  Families have a powerful gravity, and you may find yourself being called back to fulfill old roles or functions that you haven’t touched for ages.  For example, you may find yourself feeling fiercely competitive with a sibling after years of good friendship.  As the youngest child, you may feel talked-over or ignored at the dinner table.  As the eldest, you may feel great responsibility for seeing that everything runs smoothly.  Sometimes, these old roles can feel pleasant and welcoming.  But even within healthy families, after an extended period of vacationing, these old roles can sour and send you running for the safety of your own hearth and home.  Suddenly, you can get in close touch with the reasoning for putting frogs in your sister’s bed when you were seven years old.

Your best feet—In an effort to put our best feet forward, we sometimes trample towards tasks and through jobs that, in the end, we didn’t really want to do.  Whether you’re trying to impress your new partner’s family, or you don’t want to disappoint a beloved niece or grandparent, you may take on tasks that you later regret.  Do you have a habit of volunteering yourself for things you don’t really want to do?  Or, do you find yourself oversubscribed and maxed-out before the holidays are over?  Gather up your ambitious feet and tell them to consult with you before they charge off after their latest mission.

Things evolve—Like birthdays, the holidays can evoke a feeling of quiet reflection or poignancy.  As families grow and change, people can find themselves longing for how things used to be or wondering how things might be different if life had handled them differently.  It may be easier to miss the ebb of time passing while handling the mundane details of everyday life.  But, the specialness of the holidays has a way of asking us to pause and dwell on seasons past, present, and future.  For some, this can offer a bittersweet or painful reflection.

Grief—Painful things that happen at this time of year can become tangled up with all the ritual and timing of the holidays, making it hard for a person to lay claim to the holidays as a happy time.  Instead, the season can become imprinted with residual grief and pain for years and years.  Whether it is the loss of a family member, a divorce, or a bad car accident, the holidays can soak up these painful memories and hold onto them.  Brightly colored decorations, cheerful music, and even a certain warm sweater can evoke painful buried memories, but unlike most other triggering material, the person in question can have a hard time dodging these ever-present reminders.

Holiday guilt—Each year, most of us will consume a common cultural myth about what it means to be a participant in the holiday season.  This participation generally involves a lot of shopping, spending money, picturesque time with a special person in front of a windowsill watching snow fall in the middle of a Texas winter, and time with family.  But, if any or all of these ingredients do not produce themselves—you don’t have family you want to spend time with, or your budget doesn’t permit you to buy a gift for all of your many distant relations—you may nonetheless find yourself feeling guilty for failing to meet these expectations.  We may heap some shame on top of the guilt, feeling very much alone in our struggle while everyone else around us has a perfect Christmas.  After all, no glossy catalogue cover shows pictures of the knock-down, drag-out fights your family may stage during the holidays.  You do not see two young, attractive newlyweds arguing red-faced over a burnt turkey and a wailing infant on prime time TV commercials.  These stories may not get air time, but you better believe that you’re not the only one struggling with some holiday drama.

The outsider— For various personal, spiritual or political reasons, the holidays– in whole or in part– just aren’t for you.  You choose not observe certain traditions and nonetheless find yourself swept up in the feeling and expectation of the season.  You may find yourself explaining or justifying your choices to others, whether it’s declining to participate in the Secret Santa tradition at the office or declining to attend candlelight worship services, even though everyone else in your family is going.  The stress of justifying personal choices can be intense.

The let-down—After being saturated in a holiday-happy haze for two months, it can be tough to return to regularly scheduled programming.  The gifts, the rich food, the time away from work—all of these delights are pleasant, but temporary.  So, the things that weren’t working before the holiday season began (that confusing relationship, the finicky front door, or maybe an unsatisfying job) will persist in not working after you return to them.  It’s natural to want to set the pressures of everyday life aside for a little while—and that’s one reason the holidays can feel so inviting—but many of us feel cheated at having to revisit those places of “stuck-ness” in our lives once the tinsel goes back in the box.

Do any of these sound familiar?  The seasons of our lives will bring different pressures at each juncture during the holidays.  At first, the trouble may be gaining and asserting some independence with the family you came from and choosing how to spend your holiday time.  You may then find yourself, if you partner with someone, deciding how and where to spend your holidays.  The picture is further complicated if you have children.  As time passes, you may find yourself tugged in many different directions during this rich season.

However you choose to invest your time during the holidays, I hope you do it with your own wishes and desires in mind.  And be sure to watch out for your ambitious best feet.