This week’s post is designed to help you stock your coping arsenal with some new ideas and options for getting through this holiday season. It will help if you use both portions of the handling holiday stress series—pinpoint your biggest stressors first and then consult this list for ideas about how to cope with them. To find the first part of this series, go here.

The antidote for your holiday ills will depend on which kind of stress will loom largest for you this year. I have picked some of the most common sources of stress and then offered some ideas and remedies for these. Pick and choose those that fit best with your personality and your situation.

Family

Family can create a potent form of stress during this season. Perhaps you have certain family members that somehow bring out your very worst feelings and qualities. You may feel torn between different sides of your family, or struggle to meet expectations or “make the rounds” to see all family members in a limited amount of time. Or, perhaps you don’t have family with whom you can spend the holidays.

On coping with the family you have… brush up on setting limits, redirecting rude or touchy inquiries, and decide ahead of time which battles you’ll fight and which ones you won’t. Anticipate “trouble spots” in your family so you can avoid or prepare for them if possible. Have an exit plan, a safe space, or some scheduled time to let you “get away” for a break— the bathroom is a popular favorite, as most family members have the sense to not follow you into one. Communicate your exit plan and points of concern to your partner if you have one—they won’t have your family mapped out the way that you do.

Stay busy and schedule activities to help run interference if need be. If all else fails, try to put yourself outside of the family fishbowl and adopt an “observer” perspective. Add a little humor by applying a mental running commentary on your family’s quirks or strangeness. If your inner narrator becomes bitter or angry, switch tactics as the commentary will probably just make you feel worse. Above all, hope for the best: your expectations can have an interesting power in shaping events and outcomes.

On spending the holidays alone… consider creating or adopting new traditions that you can enjoy by yourself or with a loved one. If you want to spend the holiday alone, do so. There’s no reason you need to celebrate with someone else in order for the day to be meaningful, pleasing, or complete.

Perhaps you’ll opt to spend time with your chosen family (friends, partner, or pets) instead of blood relations this year. If you don’t really want to go it alone for the holidays, accept invitations to spend time with other families if offered. Consider spending time somewhere that will make you feel good or offer some perspective, perhaps volunteering at a food pantry, a nursing home or helping with a Christmas party at a local hospital. Make yourself an occasion—there doesn’t have to be a crowd for there to be a celebration.

Money

The holiday heyday isn’t much concerned with the state of your pocketbook or in encouraging moderation. So, it’s up to you to apply some strength of will to dodge the seductive seasonal marketing and stick to a financial trajectory that won’t punish you at month’s end.

On handling holidays with a limited budget… set a budget and stick to it. Trying swapping expensive holiday practices for inexpensive feel-good traditions, or engage your creative side and make your own gifts. Stick to your gift list, as you’re more likely to overspend if you don’t have specific gifts and/or budget in mind. Promise yourself that you won’t buy something unless you think on it first for 24 hours.

One of the best antidotes to the temptation of holiday overspending is reminding yourself about what matters to you about this time of year, and why it matters. Get underneath the traditions—if gift-giving really matters to you, ask why. What do you want your loved ones to know? Is that something you can tell them with words? Is it something you can show them with a thoughtful deed? Many times, these deeds and words are remembered long after the new wallet or the fancy gadget is forgotten.

On handling holidays with a generous budget… if your family is expecting you to bankroll festivities or wish lists because you’re the “successful one,” set expectations early by announcing your intentions. Talk with your partner (if you have one) about the situation before you make decisions or share them with others. When possible, soften no’s with yeses, such as, “We’re making some changes to our traditions this year, so we won’t be having the family over for Christmas dinner. But, we’d love to do a Christmas day dessert exchange.” If you feel push-back or guilt after setting an appropriate limit, take a reality check with your partner: you don’t have to be Santa for someone else’s family if you don’t want to. This is true even if you did it last year.

If someone in your family gets really pushy about you opening up your pocketbook, mentally put the responsibility back on the shoulders of the family member who has taken issue with your plans. You have not taken it upon yourself to single-handedly ruin this person’s holiday by withholding your funds. You are not responsible for their feelings or their situation, no matter how poignant or difficult. It is very possible to be sympathetic without also volunteering yourself as a solution to their problem. (This rescuing option also sets up a long-term dynamic that you may later regret.) Just check in with yourself and regardless of your choice, make sure it’s something you feel good about—choices with guilt attached to them aren’t really choices at all.

A good tactic I’ve found in handling a disgruntled family member is to pretend you’re a customer service representative and you have an irate customer on the phone. Be concerned and matter of fact, but don’t be overly apologetic, or you’ll give the impression that you’ve done something wrong or you deserve a verbal lashing. For example: “I can see you’re really disappointed by this, but that’s our policy/our plans for the holiday.” Give them five minutes, and then end the call. “It seems we will agree to disagree for now. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.”

Sustaining good gains

The holidays can be a hard time for people in recovery of various sorts, whether it is from alcoholism, disordered eating, or low self-esteem. Taking some thoughtful precautions can make the holiday season a safe and enjoyable one.

On managing temptations or triggers… The holiday is full of these—lots of richly prepared foods, plenty of alcohol, and at times, an abundance of family members who have sharp words or unkind agendas. When possible, limit your exposure to these things. I realize that this may not always be possible. For example, there are dozens of billboards in Austin advertising all kinds of alcohol as great holiday gifts. One last year put a bottle of booze underneath a sprig of mistletoe. Another one shows a bottle with a gift tag that says, “To: Me From: Me” I wonder as I drive by how those ads must feel to folks in recovery.

Choose your events and your companions with care. Practice saying no.

At times, it may help to comment aloud when you see something that triggers a craving or a low feeling. Sometimes naming your response out loud in your own company can help shed some light into your state of mind (i.e., “I could really use a drink right now”) or what kind of help would be useful (i.e., “Well, that’s really depressing… I could really use a friend right now.”)

On building and utilizing a positive network… Speaking of friends, having the support of people in your inner circle will certainly help. Stay in close touch with your sponsor, members of your treatment team, or a trusted friend. Create healthy traditions that will bolster your good choices and share them with people you care about and who are supportive of your recovery. Avoid people who will try to drag you down or fit better with your old lifestyle. (Turns out, this is true year around.)

This season brings together all sorts of vices. Whether you’re still in the thick of treatment or twenty years into your recovery, be in touch with yourself and with your feelings and cravings. Ask for help when you need it.

Not all of the stresses that emerge during the holiday season will respond easily to these solutions. The key is to try several and see which ones fit. Be patient, and know that people the world ‘round are struggling with the similar pressures. You’re not alone in this.

If worse comes to worst, adopt the serene stance: “This too shall pass.” Resolve to outlast the stress, and get yourself in touch with some support as soon as you can.

Wishing you a peaceful and contented holiday season!