Please be kind– don’t rewind!

Does your mind wander to unhappy places?  Are you queen of the mental replay?  Hi!  This one’s for you.

Which conversations do you replay in your mind?

When you wake up in the middle of the night, where does your mind go?

Who’s your most popular mental sparring partner?

Most of us have mental sparring partners that we return to again and again in our minds.  These are the people we argue or fight with in our minds when we’re stuck in traffic.  Or when we are waiting in line to order our morning coffee.

We take these sparring partners all over the place.  We go into the past to replay old conflicts, imagine new and frustrating scenes, and conjecture about upcoming events.

Why we do it

This kind of thinking is the equivalent of going into the kitchen and reaching for the bag of popcorn.

It’s familiar. 

It’s accessible. 

It’s easy to do.

It keeps you from feeling bored.

It’s engaging and maybe even enlivening. 

But we do it for other reasons, too.

We may feel powerful composing thoughtful responses to situations that caught us off-guard, or made us feel hurt, vulnerable, or angry.

And sometimes it can be deeply satisfying to get things off our chest.  To say the stuff we think and feel that we’d never say in person.

For some, this mental sparring may even feel like a form of entertainment.

We may even tell ourselves we are preparing for future encounters with that person.  So that we’ll be ready next time with a clever quip.

But this spells trouble.  It is a short-term habit that has long-term consequences.

Where we get into trouble

What are you feeding your mind?

This sparring is more than idle mental chatter.

We are actually shaping our reality with our thoughts—every day.

But maybe you feel justified in your habit.

“Well, but it’s better than me saying something to the actual person!”

Perhaps that is true.  But is it really an either/or deal?

Do you really have to engage in this ritual to keep from saying something?

Is it really helping to imagine scenarios that are even more hurtful and frustrating than ones that have happened in the past—on the off-chance something like that might happen in the future?

Is there another way you can tend to your feelings effectively?

So if you routinely engage in heated conversations in your head with your know-it-all sister or selfish boss, you will likely be thinking that next time you see them.

This habit just strengthens and affirms the negative opinions you have of people.

This hurts you.

These feelings make it harder to develop rewarding relationships with these people in the future.  It may also get you upset in the present moment, when nothing upsetting is actually happening.

When you do this sort of mental sparring, you are actually reinforcing your unhappy feelings.  Rather than finding relief from upset feelings, you are fanning the flames of outrage and hurt.

This only serves to make you more upset about past hurts, or to worry more about future events.

And I probably don’t even need to point out the trouble that comes with sparring with people who aren’t even in your life anymore.

Over time, this habit may become less and less voluntary—something our minds drift to, automatically and often.

Our thoughts have a deep impact on our bodies and our feelings.

Imagined unhappiness =  real unhappiness

And this habit can be really hard to kick.  So let’s talk a little about that.

Kicking the habit

So, how do we stop “eating” this mental junk food?

As a child, I remember telling my mom one time when this kid sitting across from me at the lunch table kept kicking me under the table.

You know what her solution was?

Move.  She said.

Of course, being an 8 year old, I had to raise my hand and get permission from the teacher.

And there was a part of me that wanted to kick back—to escalate things, see what would happen.

It’s natural for us to have a part that’s hungry for retaliation when we feel wronged or hurt.

But if we are simply retaliating—and in our minds, no less—the problem remains unchanged.

Better to move to another table.  Or, in this case, another thought.  Find some better company!

So, how do you do this in real life?

1.)    Identify your sparring partners.  Who are you most likely to do battle with in your head?  Who are the top contenders?

2.)    Notice when you’re sparring.  Simply observe the times when your mind wanders to these topics.  For many of us, it’s during a time in our day with easy routine, something that doesn’t require our full focus.  Brushing your teeth, driving to work, waiting in line.

3.)    When you notice you’re sparring, stop.  See if you can trace the thought back to see what kicked it into motion.  Then pause.

4.)    Put the thought to bed with a little compassion.  If you’re reflecting on a past mortification or hurt, think to yourself, “That was a really hard time.  I’m glad that’s over.”  If you’re worrying about future events or imagined events, remind yourself, “Well, that would be awful if it happened.  But it isn’t happening now.  Right now, I’m _____________.”  And then state simply what it is you’re doing.  This helps orient you back to the present.

A final thought

One thing I should clarify, too:  this post is not about upset feelings that naturally arise in response to something that’s just happened.

I’m talking about the practice of repeatedly returning to the “scene of the crime” in your mind to replay events, or developing new upsetting scenarios or conversations.  Also, this habit is different from having upsetting memories or flashbacks that intrude into day to day life as a result of a past trauma.

This is about a habit where one voluntarily replays past upsetting events, or imagining or worrying about future events.

If you’re not sure which kind of thought you’re grappling with, consider seeking out a therapist to better understand.  The good news is that there’s help of all kinds, regardless of the type and cause of the thoughts you’re having.

If you need help “changing tables”—let me know.  I’d be happy to help.