“Are You Pregnant or Are You Just Getting Fat?”: Five Steps to Body Image Acceptance During Pregnancy

I’m dabbling in different types of collaboration this year– and that includes welcoming some new voices to the blog!  Today’s guest post comes from Kate Daigle, a therapist specializing in eating disorder recovery in Denver.  Kate offers a refreshingly honest & open perspective in her writing.  Lately we’ve been commiserating about some of the unique complexities of pregnancy, motherhood, and being a therapist in private practice.  In this post, Kate offers some valuable and compassionate perspectives on body image and pregnancy.  You can see my guest post for her blog here.

Finding out you are pregnant can be one of the most exciting times in a woman’s life.

However, if you have struggled with negative body image, pregnancy can also be one of the most stressful and anxiety-filled periods.

Even if you have never had body image issues previously in your life, the experience of growing a baby and all that means for your body can trigger these struggles for some women.

Why?

Because pregnancy, while beautiful and miraculous in many ways, is also completely out of your control.

The whole process of getting pregnant, experiencing the hormones and changes in your body once you have conceived, and giving birth to your child often does not go as a woman would expect.

What happens to your body as your baby develops and grows is due to complex and instinctual biological processes that a woman’s body was naturally created to do. This undoubtedly involves gaining weight – for the health of your baby – which can be quite unsettling.

As a woman who experienced a difficult rollercoaster on the journey to getting pregnant and sustaining a healthy pregnancy and who is now pregnant with my first child due in March, I can relate to many of the feelings of joy, loss, fear, excitement, and worry, just to name a few, that come tied up in a pregnancy bow.

While going through this, I felt that so much about the reality of getting and being pregnant is not talked about openly and I know that many of my clients feel this way too.

My hope is to open a dialogue to reduce secrecy and shame around pregnancy loss, infertility, and what happens physically and emotionally during these difficult experiences as well as during the period of pregnancy and postpartum.

As a therapist who works primarily with women who are overcoming struggles with body image and disordered eating, I am quite familiar with one of the most common but least talked about experiences in pregnancy:

“I am so grateful to be having a healthy pregnancy but I am really struggling to accept the weight gain and body changes that come with it.

It’s like my body is not my own and sometimes I just wish I wasn’t pregnant. I feel a significant amount of guilt because of this.”

Have you ever felt that way?

If you are curious about the surprising reason you don’t feel confident in your body, take a look at this post.

There are several factors at play during pre-, pregnancy, and postnatal periods in a woman’s life that set her up to feel anxious and not good enough.

One of the most prominent causes for this disconnect is the expectation that we should be happy all of the time and look great.

Physically, we need to look like we have it all together – some women hide their bump, some proudly display it.

Emotionally, we need to hold it all together and appear confident and strong, even if the hormones surging through us, throbbing back pain and achy breasts make us want to cry and bury ourselves under a blanket on the couch.

Basically, we should be in control at all times.

Even – especially—when pregnant, the expectations on women to look and be perfect rear their ugly heads.

And the pressure to lose the baby weight postpartum and reconnect with your partner in a matter of only a few months– well, that’s a topic we’ll tackle in a subsequent post (interested in learning more about how body image affects intimacy? check out this post).

How does one find acceptance of her body if it is changing daily in ways she cannot predict or necessarily understand?

Here are Five steps to find peace with your body during pregnancy and beyond that I hope can help soothe your body image stress during pregnancy (or if you are preparing to become pregnant):

1.) Remove Weight from the Conversation.

I know – this is controversial because so much of what you will read about involves numbers and weight gain during pregnancy.

However, this intense focus on weight can lead to obsessive thinking and might detract from focusing on health and wellness, which is truly what is important for a successful pregnancy.

Sometimes focusing too much on the number can trigger women to use unsafe weight-control measures during and after pregnancy that put her and her baby’s wellness at risk.

So, instead of focusing on the number on the scale or the number of calories, try to re-frame and focus on how you are feeling and taking care of yourself and your baby.

2.) Re-define the dialogue you have with your body.

If you have struggled with body image prior to pregnancy (or even if you haven’t), you may notice negative body talk creep up and try to take control of the choices you make with food, exercise and self-care.

This can often be sneaky. Something like: “I’m not starving, I don’t need to have those almonds even though I really want them”, or “My bump isn’t as large as hers is – is there something wrong with my baby?” (that’s right, body image anxiety can show up in terms of how small your body is, as well as how large it is).

There is never an end to the comparison monster. If you are noticing negative, harmful, yucky thoughts towards your body in any manner, try to stop, take a deep breath and re-frame.

Your body is doing some SERIOUS magic right now. Initiate a dialogue of gratitude for that.

3.) Focus on function, not appearance.

Piggy-backing on #2 – try to focus on the amazing things your body is doing right now in growing this baby. Truly mind-blowing!

It needs extra fat to support your baby’s healthy development and it will shift, change, and grow in ways that are biologically necessary.

If you notice yourself judging your newfound curves, try to instead focus on thanking your body for providing the sustaining home and safety to build a new life inside of it.

This also means treating your body well – give yourself regular massages, go to yoga, and give yourself permission to take it easy if you need to!

4.) Ask for support from others who have been through it or a professional.

One of the things I have found most soothing and supportive for me when I feel anxious or don’t know if what I’m going through is normal is to talk to people who have been through it.

Whether it is my good friend who just had a baby, colleagues with young ones, or my doctor, I feel a little less wacky and a lot more grounded when I reach out for support.

Try it yourself – make sure they are people you trust and who have your best interests in mind and can give you really kind-hearted support.

5.) Set boundaries with feedback/comments you get about your body or choices you are making.

This is hard, as there will most likely be a plethora of comments coming your way from family members, strangers, and others who want to “give you advice”.

Remember that this is your body, your pregnancy, and your life and you get to choose which boundaries to set with whom to protect your sanity and to function at an optimal level.

Don’t feel guilty for doing so – give yourself a pat on the back for empowering yourself to connect to your intuition and what truly feels good (one of these boundaries may need to be with social media).

Expectations to “be a certain way” or “have it all together” run high during and after pregnancy.

I remember seeing a photo collage on Facebook of a new mom with a one month old who posted pictures of her baking cookies and appearing happy, well rested and balanced.

It immediately put me in a place of “should-shame”, as I call it. I should feel, look, and be that way too!

And maybe I will (and that’s great if she feels that way!), but I also need to be gentle if I don’t feel great. For more ideas on how to stop “should’ing” on yourself, check out this post.

If you have experienced should-shame, or have fear of experiencing it in the future, I really encourage you to FEEL what you FEEL and ALLOW yourself to do so.

If you’re not happy all of the time (or even most of the time), that’s OKAY. (Now, if you are dealing with symptoms of depression, that’s something else to look at). If you commonly have anxiety and pregnancy is now an easy target for it to show up and try to take control of your life, note that.

What is really meaningful to you?

How can you try to acknowledge the anxiety but not allow it to de-rail the bigger picture of the miracle of pregnancy and new parenthood?

It’s not always easy and it certainly isn’t perfect.

That’s why resting and giving yourself a break is the best medicine. Your body is amazing and performing the acts that it was built to do – the way it looks while doing so is secondary.

Here are a few more ideas on how to become more embodied and find a confident home in your own skin.

Kate Daigle, MA, LPC is passionate about helping professional women, new mothers and other high achievers overcome self-sabotage and unrealistic expectations. She helps her clients to heal their relationships with food, their bodies, and themselves so they can live a life that really matters to them and be free of destructive behaviors. Kate has a thriving private practice in Denver, Colorado. You can read more about Kate at www.katedaiglecounseling.com.