I don’t know the particulars of your life.

What you’re struggling with.  What you worry about.

Still, I’m going to write you a letter anyway.

Why?

Well, I know we’ve all been handed a lot to hold these past few days.  The shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary school has wounded everyone who knows about it.

In the midst of all this hardship, it warms my heart to see so much information that’s being shared about how to cope with trauma.

There’s much talk about how to support children, our youngest and most vulnerable citizens, through this hardship.

There’s talk about advocacy and support and policy.

There’s talk of grief, confusion and loss.

But something’s still missing.

I haven’t seen a post that’s just for the general public.  I’m not talking about commentary or an analysis of what happened.  I mean a letter just for you.

This post is a letter with 3 wishes I have for you during this difficult time.

Whether you’re a parent or you aren’t.

Whether you lost someone or you didn’t.

This is for you.

Be a gentle curator

Grief comes into our homes.  It comes in through the TV, the computer, and our phones.

In times of tragedy, some of us cope by seeking out information.  We may scan headlines, seeking clues to understand what happened and why.

The information is out there.  And in spite of your best efforts, it can be challenging to limit your exposure.  The internet is saturated with news.

I’ve written elsewhere about holding awareness about very difficult things.  There is a lot of merit in that.

But it’s important to hold these facts gently, if we can.  To temper things.  To guard our hearts.

This doesn’t mean that we turn a blind eye to things.  Not at all.

On the contrary, holding a gentle awareness means something quite different.  We trade seeking out sharp details for thoughtful awareness.  We trade sensationalism for effective action.

We tend to our hearts and the feelings in it with care and concern.  And we also turn this care outwards, towards others.

So my first wish for you:  guard your heart.  Limit your exposure to news coverage.

During this time, it is important to be a gentle curator.

Take care of yourself first

The main reason I’m writing this article is to tell you this: you must take care of yourself first.

I don’t know what this means for you.  We all have different “tuck-ins.”  But routine and self-care are important here.

If you’re deeply touched by this hardship, this may not come easily at first.  Lean into the kindness of others, if you can.  Ask for support if you aren’t getting it.  It may be very hard to take good care of yourself, at first.  Over time, it will get easier.

You simply cannot take good care of others if you are not taken care of yourself.

You’re worth taking care of.  So do whatever it takes.

And don’t be surprised if this whole thing hits you in a week.  Sometimes  our reactions to things unfurl slowly.

So keep an eye out, and be gentle with whatever comes.

…And then tend to those you love

Some of our very best healing comes from helping others heal.  Any therapist knows this firsthand.

Maybe you’re worried you’re not up the job.  What do you say?  How can you help?

It can be daunting to think about.

Fortunately, it’s not as complicated as you might think.  Here are some tips on how to sit with other people’s pain.

And here’s how to avoid one of the biggest mistakes you can make when trying to comfort others:  the silver-lining problem.

Three wishes for you

So, to review:

1.)    Be a gentle curator of the content in your life.

2.)    Take care of yourself first.

3.)    And then tend to those you love.

Take gentle care of yourself this week,

Ann