5 powerful cures for people pleasing
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Humans are social animals.
(Yes, even the introverts.)
What does this mean, exactly?
For our ancestors, it meant that if we didn’t bond,
didn’t belong,
we died.
Guilt and shame emerged as ways to keep us in the pack, on the proper path.
These “moral” feelings helped us to fit in. Being able to adapt this way was critical to our survival.
But among people pleasers, this system is overgrown and out-of-control.
Today, I’ll teach you some about how this system is out of whack.
I have also included a list of five, basic practices or “cures” that will bring you out of a people pleasing lifestyle and back into alignment with your integrity.
A bit about people pleasing
So, like I said earlier, we’re social animals.
We learn to tune into the people around us for important social and emotional information, to keep up with the herd, stay in the pack.
We learn from an early age to do this.
Even infants do it. It’s called “social referencing” – and you’ll see it when a baby encounters a new toy or object. They’ll look to a nearby caregiver for feedback, a reaction, before engaging with the new thing.
So, what does this have to do with people-pleasing?
People pleasers put this talent into overdrive. They are so preoccupied with what others think and feel that they are blind to their own needs and feelings.
People pleasers will even compromise on their own principles and integrity if it means keeping connection with loved ones.
People pleasers are approval junkies.
I’ve written at other times about what causes people pleasing, and about what people pleasing behaviors cost us in the long run.
The short-ish version of the story is that people pleasers were usually brought up in households where love, attention, and affection were offered inconsistently.
They likely had caregivers who were preoccupied with their own big feelings, too worried or sad or angry to tune into what their children might be thinking and feeling.
In many cases, the parents’ big feelings might even “spill” over onto the kiddos, as the parents talked to their children as confidantes and friends, rather than keeping a clear parent/child boundary.
As children, people pleasers got love and affection often enough to hunger for it, but not often enough to be sure of it.
So, they got really good at earning it. At doing their damnedest to have it be a good day by trying to be pleasing and kind and good to everyone—because if everyone else was happy, they could be happy, too.
As for the costs of people pleasing behavior, they are numerous.
So, how do we stop people pleasing?
Five cures for people pleasing behaviors
People pleasing is a method of relating to others that is deeply engrained. But, that doesn’t mean it can’t be changed.
Here are five things that may help.
1.) Be your own team captain.
Asking for other people’s approval means you are giving up your own power.
Oooh, power, conflict—ugh! Ack! Most people-pleasers hate conflict, and they’ll do anything to avoid it.
But avoiding conflict at any price has a very high price.
Stop putting other people in charge of your important decisions.
Tune in, take responsibility, and be the captain of your own ship.
2.) Check your vantage point.
Sanity check.
Are you standing on your head again? Is what you’re doing making sense?
Or are you doing it this way because it’s the way you’ve always done it.
Or it’s because that’s how your parents did it.
Or because it is the right way. (You sure about that?)
What would an outsider have to say about your way of doing things? What might they suggest?
Consider taking a different perspective, contemplate what might be worth changing.
3.) Why do you hate yourself?
Not to be blunt, but…
Looking for refuge in other people’s opinions of you usually comes back to the fact that you don’t think highly of yourself.
Low self-esteem is a hallmark feature of people pleasing.
This is because people pleasers have their worth tied up in what they do rather than who they are.
They think that love must be earned.
Look at improving your relationship with yourself rather than fighting so hard for the approval of others.
Metta practice (loving-kindness) can be a great way to grow this ability. Therapy can help, too.
4.) When in doubt, assume benevolence.
This is a great tip, not just for people pleasers, but everybody.
Because people pleasers are so reliant on what others think and feel, they become very, very good at tuning in to other people’s feelings.
But even so, they can misinterpret what someone else is thinking or feeling.
People pleasers are so eager to keep the peace, they get their feathers ruffled at the first-sign-of-maybe-conflict.
When in doubt, assume that everything’s fine.
Assume that someone else’s motives are kind.
Assume that it is not about you.
Let other people tell you there’s a problem, instead of trying to pre-emptively figure it out all the time.
5.) Leave your umbrella at home.
People pleasers often have contingency plans for their contingency plans.
They’re so concerned about avoiding conflict, they will pretzel themselves to preserve peace.
People pleasers learned to be vigilant growing up.
They learned to look for storm clouds early in relationships, eagerly seeking out a chance to help things blow over before the cloudburst.
But, all this vigilance has a huge price.
Quit carrying around the umbrella, the snowshoes, and the sunblock.
Quit doing more in your relationships than you are supposed to.
Stop trying to anticipate other people’s needs all the time.
Final thoughts
And how would you cure your people-pleasing tendencies? What has worked? What hasn’t?
As always, knowing which changes to make isn’t the hardest part of change. It’s actually doing it, and sustaining those changes over time, in spite of the resistance and backlash that may come.
Helping people pleasers is what I do! So, if you’re in Austin, Texas, and you’re looking for a counselor who helps with people-pleasing, drop me a line. I offer free, half hour consultations in person at the office, and I’d be glad to set one up for you.
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Last year: The Boston bombings: as the dust begins to settle
Two years ago: Getting lost, being found: the joy of being seen
Three years ago: No is not a four letter word
amazing blog
I found this very helpful, thanks!
I’m glad you found this post helpful, Darnell! Thanks for commenting.
Could i use some part of your awesome post in my assignment. Credit will be cleanly given. Thanks in advance.
Looking forward to your allowance.
Yes, Doha, you can reference this post for your assignment. Thanks for asking.
I found this very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to create this! I wish I could work with you but I am in New York. Do you know of anyone who specializes in this here, or of any support groups?
Hi, Erin. I’m glad you found this post helpful. In looking for a local therapist like me, I’d suggest you run a google search for a therapist specializing in one or more of the following: people-pleasing, codependency, anxious attachment. I’d also make sure that one of the ways they practice is from an interpersonal, relational, or attachment-oriented style. I’d also suggest meeting with a couple of people if you can afford to do so, to make sure it’s a good fit! For a group, you might try a CoDA group in your area (codependents anonymous)– it follows an AA model of recovery, so it is not a fit for everyone, but may be worth trying. Best of luck to you on your journey…
As a substance abuse Councelor I can appreciate the good work you do. Keep spreading the love. It helps us spread our wings.
Thanks for the feedback, Laurel. I’m glad you found the post helpful!
This was exactly what I was looking for! I started researching this condition an hour or two ago after a mild panic attack. I felt like I don’t even know what I want in life, or who I even am. I’m just a culmination of what the people around me want and need. I’ve had this problem my entire life and I feel like its going to be tough to break out of. I’m in your area and would love some more information on counseling!
Excellent advice, thank you
I need to understand what happened to make me this way in addition to how to overcome it. After reading your blog, now I thoroughly understand that my mother’s inconsistency created the constant need for approval, and that none of it was my fault. I was either the center of her world, or I was in trouble, often for no other reason than she felt that I was rejecting her in some way. I was just a child. Thank you so much for this. It helped tremendously!!
Thank you so much for this! I wish I were in Texas to visit you but PLEASE keep helping others! Very inspirational!
Really madam all information provided in this website about people pleasing is true and helpful to overcome it. thanks you.
You are a wonderful writer with a real handle on this behavior. Thank you!
I’ve really felt a bolt of hope from reading your posts on people pleasing. Wish I’d had this straight up non judgemental info years ago. My life is at the point where I must address this as everything seems to be affected by my validation junkie behaviour. My question is can you direct me to an article or write one on how not to repeat this pattern with my own children ? Of course they have learned by example and I see the traits I have very clearly coming through and I don’t want my kids growing up with this matter mindset! I will be attempting to carry out the advi e you’re giving and I know consistent practice and improvement will help them but is there anything more I can do ? I’m with a wonderful supportive partner after getting out of a long relationship with a narcissist and can’t wait to make changes in all our lives
Thanks
From New Zealand
If a person is a people pleaser and finds themselves in a codependent relationship, does one cause the other? Would working on the people pleasing help remove the codependency, or vice versa? Where to start?
What do you suggest to help with my 11 year old son being what you described. Who does he see and what can I do
Hi, Cindy. Therapy can be very helpful for addressing people pleasing. I can’t make specific recommendations on providers for your son as I don’t know where you are located and only know providers in the Austin area that I could refer to right now. But, I’ve listed some tips at the bottom of this page for finding a therapist who can help in your area: https://labyrinth1.wpengine.com/testimonials
For your part, you can educate yourself more on people pleasing. You can explore in your own therapy or self-inquiry how you may possibly be contributing to the dynamic, as this post describes: https://labyrinth1.wpengine.com/blog/what-makes-a-people-pleaser
Best wishes to you!
Is people pleasing synonymous with avoidant personality disorder?
This is great, would love to hear more about strategies you use with clients to help them commit to a new plan of action, rather than falling into default behavioral patterns of people pleasing. How can we hold ourselves accountable for sitting with the discomfort of possibly disappointing, and as you would suggest “leaving the umbrella at home.”
This article really resonated with me as I see this in my older sister and am really struggling with how to be around her. She takes on so much, mostly without anyone asking, and misjudges what people need or want, or takes on just too much. Then she totally explodes, and is really sensitive to any perceived slights or thinking people aren’t grateful. I’d love to read any advice you have about how to have a safe relationship with a highly sensitive people pleaser, please. Thanks again!