Back in January, I wrote 10 how-to’s for healthy boundaries.

But at the time, I didn’t offer you any kind of definition of boundaries or any explanation about why boundaries matter.

So let’s get down to business.

What are boundaries?

Why do boundaries matter?

What are some examples of boundaries in everyday life?

What are some signs and symptoms of poor boundaries?

Boundaries. Why should you care about ‘em?

bound·a·ry

ˈbound(ə)rē/

“a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line”

Simply put, boundaries are about where you end and the other person begins.

Interpersonal boundaries define what is acceptable or can be tolerated in a relationship; these vary by person based on their values, beliefs, identity, likes and dislikes, personal comfort, and past experiences.

Healthy boundaries enable us to be an active participant in our own lives, rather than a passive recipient or worse still, a martyr to other people’s demands and whims.

In essence, boundaries are like our psychological immune system.

Healthy boundaries act as a kind of filter, letting good people into your life and keeping not so good folks out.

Poor boundaries, on the other hand, lead to vulnerability, disorganization, chaos & stress.

Every day boundary battles

In preparation for writing this post, I asked some friends on Facebook for some feedback.

Because, you know, every good piece of research began with an informal poll from friends, right?

I asked friends to weigh in on their everyday boundary battles, the things they struggle with day to day, the boundaries that matter to them that crop up in everyday life.

I encouraged people to only share what they felt comfortable sharing in a public forum—supporting people in picking and choosing what to share, an important aspect of boundary-setting.

And then I got all kinds of wonderful feedback.

Here are some examples of everyday boundaries that people are setting and sometimes struggling with:

1.) How to say “no” to friends or loved ones who need your help, when you should really be focusing on and taking good care of yourself

2.) What to do when you don’t like being hugged, but this is commonly how friends or family greet you

3.) What to do when people comment on or touch your tattoos, your hair, your clothing, or anything else about you that they may find “exotic” or different from them

4.) How to set boundaries assertively and appropriately without feeling like you’re being mean

5.) For self-employed folks: what to do when a client arrives late for an appointment—do you stick to the hour or run over? How to convey you care about a client (friend) (spouse) (family member) while also setting firm limits

6.) How to keep from checking work emails or voicemail after work is done for the day

7.) How to deal with people pressuring you with their expectations, or assuming you’ll do things you never agreed to do

8.) What to do if you’ve had a painful or even traumatic experience in life that is incorporated into TV shows, movies, or video games as a form of entertainment, and you find you no longer enjoy those things– is that a healthy and appropriate reaction?

9.) How to set limits in social settings, such as having time to integrate into the group’s activities in a way that feels comfortable, or being able to leave a social engagement after a certain period of time without feeling pressured to stay

I can say that I’ve grappled with many of these topics, some of them ongoing. Take some time to think about it: what are your day to day boundary battles?

25 examples of poor boundaries

If you still aren’t sold on the importance of boundaries, here are 25 reasons why they matter.

These are examples of behaviors or situations that suggest poor boundaries.

Endorsing some of the examples below may not necessarily spell poor boundaries– look at the larger context and also realize that some boundaries are in the eye of the beholder.

And of course some of the examples point to poor boundaries no matter how you look at it.

Personal:

+ Feeling scattered and stressed because you have a million things to do and not enough time—and this partly has to do with your inability to say no or delegate tasks.

+ Staying in a romantic relationship longer than you wanted to, because you felt pressured, guilted, threatened, or cajoled into it. Or because you didn’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings.

+ Feeling that you cannot be happy if your partner is not happy, too.

+ Being in romantic relationships with people who are disrespectful or even abusive.

+ Putting your partner in charge of how you feel and making you feel better when you’re upset.

+ Frequently ignoring, numbing, or tuning out your intuition, “unpleasant” feelings, or bodily sensations or signals such as hunger or fatigue.

+ Letting others touch you when you don’t want to be touched and this bothers you greatly– and yet not speaking up about it. Or doing things sexually with a partner that you don’t want to do, because you’re uncomfortable speaking your mind.

+ Developing close, intense relationships very quickly, only to find that they go up in smoke (or flames) later.

+ Adopting a do-it-yourself attitude with most things, when it might be better to ask for help—and then having a blow up or meltdown when you burn yourself out.

Social & Family:

+ Feeling victimized or martyred because others don’t take as good care of you as you do for them.

+ Having lots of one-sided relationships, where people ask more of you than you do of them & you give way more than you get.

+ Being friends with anyone who wants to be friends with you, even if they don’t act like a good friend.

+ Getting roped into activities or obligations you know you didn’t want to do from the beginning

+ Buying something you don’t want or need because of a pushy salesman.

+ Having your ear talked off by someone at social gatherings because you don’t know how to extract yourself from the situation—or you just can’t bring yourself to do it.

+ Loaning or gifting money to friends & family out of feelings of pity, guilt, obligation, or threat.

+ Frequently stepping in to “rescue” friends when they are in a crisis.

+ Being an emergency contact for someone you consider an acquaintance.

+ Noticing you have a tendency to get sucked into other people’s drama. Or that you have lots of blow-ups, chaos, or drama in your own life.

Work:

+ Routinely working more hours than you are paid for at work.

+ Not advocating for yourself for a raise or change in title if your performance warrants one.

+ Covering someone else’s work or responsibilities as well as your own, for an undetermined amount of time, without additional compensation, title change, or recognition.

+ Frequently bringing work or work stress home with you.

+ Not speaking up when you have something important to share. Or when someone else takes credit for your idea.

+ Getting drawn into office gossip and drama.

If these sound familiar, consider taking a look at the boundary battles or struggles that cause you the most stress in your life currently. Is it time to make some changes?

Don’t give that mouse that cookie

Do you know the children’s book If you give a mouse a cookie?

If you give a mouse a cookie is all about this tyrant mouse that comes into this child’s house and stages a not-quite-hostile takeover of the home.

The mouse asks for a cookie.

And then a glass of milk to wash the cookie down.

Then he wants a napkin for the crumbs.

And then he wants to draw a picture.

And a pillow for a nap.

And…

And…

And…

The mouse and the child have quite a few adventures, as the mouse’s requests and demands lead them from one activity to the next.

The little boy seems to be a willing participant, but I sort of remember that he gets frustrated with the mouse at points. Understandably.

It’s a charming little book. But it’s also got an important message about boundaries.

The little boy never says no!

So don’t give that mouse a cookie, not necessarily.

Need some help wrangling the hungry mice in your life? Know you need to set better boundaries but you aren’t sure how?

If you’re looking for tips on how to set healthy boundaries, try reading…

10 how-tos for healthy boundaries

You can be firm without being mean

No is not a four letter word

Five tips to gracefully embrace your inner k(no)w

If you’d like more personalized support around setting healthy boundaries and improving self-esteem, please reach out to me for a consultation. These are topics I specialize in and I’d be glad to help.

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Two years ago:  Coping with post-graduate stress disorder

Three years ago:  Tucking yourself in