Many people cringe when I talk about being vulnerable.

Well—that’s not a big surprise.

The word doesn’t have cheerful connotations for many of us.

I’ve been told by friends, clients and colleagues that being vulnerable means being weak.

Open to attack.

Unable to defend oneself.

So when I tell people they should bring more vulnerability into their lives?

–they look at me like I’m nuts.

But I’m sticking to my party line.

Let me tell you why being vulnerable can save your life.

But first let me tell you why it’s so hard for some of us to do it.

Our first lessons in vulnerability

We’ve all had our share of disappointments.

Wounds.

Heartache.

Sometimes, the hurt is really big.  And maybe you don’t have much support with it.  Perhaps you’re even criticized or shamed for your feelings.

If this happens, you learn it’s not safe to trust others.  (Maybe not even yourself.)

You learned that it’s not safe to be seen.

You learned to shape and mold yourself to meet other people’s expectations.

You learned that help isn’t available when needed.  Or it’s a crazy mix up—sometimes there, sometimes not.

You approach life braced perpetually for a crash landing.

Meanwhile, you look at other people.  People shiny with trust and good luck and confidence and love.  People who are able to risk bravely and find reward there.

You endlessly compare yourself with them, wondering at your lot in life.

You feel jealous and unworthy, passed over in the cosmic order.

Someone else is eating your just desserts, damn it, and you’re not happy about it.

Building Your Fortress of Solitude

If our families were strong and stable growing up, we learned to trust others.

We learned to be vulnerable in safety and comfort.

This is how it should be.

But it is not how things always turn out.

If things were chaotic.

Or distant.

Or on/off/on sometimes there, sometimes not.

If any of that happened while growing up, we didn’t get the same lessons on vulnerability.

Instead, we learned to hush.

We learned to guard our hearts and hold pieces of ourselves back.

And then we hurtle into adult life, hearing people talk all about how great and important vulnerability is, and we feel like we’re missing an important piece of the instruction manual for life.

It’s a painful, desperate place to be in.

To long for connection with others but not know if someone is going to be on the other end when we try.

To know what it feels like to be abandoned and engulfed, but have no idea what it feels like to peacefully exist in relation to another person.

So we dig moats.

We reinforce our walls.

We hunker down behind a façade of competence, achievement and skill.

We hide in our fortress of solitude.

And maybe sometimes, we take a big risk and swan dive into the moat in a display of hardcore vulnerability.

We think to ourselves, People say I should be more vulnerable.  Is this what they meant?

And then we remember we had imported crocodiles to hang out in the moat, to defend us from intruders. And we get eaten alive.  And then retreat back to our fortress.

Why vulnerability will save your life

For some of us, vulnerability comes naturally.

We had gentle lessons in life about safety and trustworthiness.  We learned that we ourselves are worthy of love and care.

But for those of us with harsher lessons, we have a bit of an uphill battle.

We must unlearn the hush of our childhoods and tune into our feelings.  We must find our voices.

We must learn to say no.  And yes.  And let me get back to you.  And I don’t know.

We are desperately hungry for connection, but we can only find that if we let down our drawbridges from time to time.

We must learn who to let in and who to keep out.

Vulnerability will absolutely save your life.  Why?

It gives you the right to be imperfect.

It inoculates you from shame– if done properly.

It lets you be known and loved as you truly are.

It permits you to pursue what you actually want in life.

If you find the topic of vulnerability as fascinating as I do, consider watching a Ted Talk by Brene Brown.  Or read one of her books.  She has tons more to say on the subject!

Thanks for reading– and welcome back!  I’m looking forward to connecting with you again.