“You can’t make me!!” Toddlers & the wisdom of no

Do you know anyone who is good at saying no in your life?

A particularly outspoken or assertive friend may come to mind.  Or, perhaps you thought of a two year child.  Today, we will be talking about the origins of learning to say no, and where things may have gone wrong as we tried to appropriate this tool into our interpersonal arsenal.

At age two, toddlers are busily trying on egos.  They are beginning to develop a sense of self and can recognize themselves in the mirror.  Newly mobile and increasingly verbal, they have opinions about everything and seem to delight in saying no to anyone and everyone simply because they can.

A toddler’s newfound love of no is linked to their budding awareness of their separateness from mom and the world around them.  They are asserting their independence and falling in love with having a will of their own.  In other words, these toddlers are testing the physics of the interpersonal universe:  “I want stuff—now!!  This big person disagrees—if I say no, what happens?  Am I still loved?  Do I get my way?”

I don’t mean to suggest there’s a whole lot of premeditated thought going on for these little ones when they are having a “fit of no”—but, it is true that they begin establish cognitive and emotional memory around conflict, limitations, and rules.  These impressions can have lasting impact on how they handle these themes later in life.

So, one of the greatest gifts parents can give a child of this age is loads of patience, and loving but firm standards and rules.  A child in this environment will learn what is acceptable and what is not.  Ideally, it will be safe for this child to test limits without fear of retribution or withdrawal of love by a caregiver.

In a troubled family environment where a parent’s needs consistently come at the expense of the child’s needs, the child learns to adapt.  Even among very young children, there is an innate wisdom primed for survival.  Young children understand how dependent they are on their parents.  They understand, “If you sink, I sink, too.”  Thus, they do everything they can to establish and connect with their parents—often, this involves acting in a pleasing way contingent on the desires and needs of the caregiver.

In essence, when a parent’s needs trump the child’s needs, that child’s experience in asserting their will, trying on conflict, and developing a solid sense of self is put on hold indefinitely.  Over time, the child learns how to disappear their needs or wishes in order to secure love and approval.  This is where no-phobia can take root.

Unsurprisingly, a child who experiences frightening, capricious or punitive treatment by a caregiver adapts in the best way she knows how:  she may be pleasing, high-achieving, or conflict-avoidant so she can either stay in a parent’s good graces or safely fly under the radar.  Or, she may adapt by acting out defiantly and angrily, pitting her will against the will of her caregiver.  Whatever the method of adaptation, the bottom line is that what we learned about no growing up has a powerful influence on our no of today.

If you had less than ideal circumstances growing up, that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to embrace the power of “no” gracefully.  Next time, we will talk about some simple ways to practice no in everyday life.